Funniest bit of childbirth(810 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
DS1 was due on the Monday. Went to midwife appointment Thursday and was told was 3cm dilated. "Ooh how lovely you'll have a baby by midnight" the lying MW told me. Little sod didn't make an appearance till 9.10pm Friday.
Was in birthing pool at hospital all day, got out and put on drip as contractions had stopped. Went blind- lack of oxygen maybe? Trainee MW knocked over tray of instruments which clattered all over the floor. She was then told "no we can't use these now get some clean ones!"
With DS2 got to hospital at 10.30pm. Was in pool by midnight and had him at 2.10am. Was listening to Heart club classics on the radio as was Friday night into Saturday morning.
DD1- birth, over 2 hours to get epidural done...my midwife fainted, I got pinned down to get epidural done. The buzzer goes off and everyone races in...baby heart rate dropped, asked what do you want to do by doctor...I want a sandwich and Diet Coke and I will come back early tomorrow...no, do you want a EMCS...oh ok then! Having baby held up with "here's your baby" shouted...it was all just funny afterwards...DD2 I was all prepped and ready in theatre and there was an emergency lady in with twins so I had to wait again, ended up throwing my glasses at the doctor, saying I was going home and being a pain...completely not like me! Was not funny at the time...
Had planned on a low intervention natural birth (ha!). After having what felt like half the hospital having a look and poke around, but feeling pretty happy with life due to the awesome epidural drugs taking effect, DH very straight faced said to me "I don't think any of these people have read our birth plan".
DH can always make me laugh .
My husband being absolutely clueless when I was pushing and just repeating EVERYTHING the midwife was saying.. and then sneaking gas and air every time they left!
I laugh now when I think of the consultant with his finger in my arse, saying "well, you've still got your sphincter".
Saying I've changed my mind! I don't want a baby during labour with my first
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thinking I needed a number 2 when it was in fact the babies head!!😭
With DD1 screaming at DP to "STOP EATING THE FUCKING TOAST" mid contraction at the top of my lungs. We still giggle at each other when I hand him toast.
With DD2 shitting on the midwives shoe. Then the cannula fell out of my hand and I didn't realise and DP started shouting "it's fell out its fell out!!" Que everyone running in the room and me thinking I've popped the kid out. Nope!
I know it's an old thread but what the hell!
With DD2 I was expecting the same epic 3 day affair I'd had with DD1 so promised my DH a curry after we'd got sent home. Told him to leave the bags in the car as it couldn't be real yet (I was too calm). The midwives took one look at me and ordered me into the pool (DH had to run downstairs to get my case sharpish!)
He returned and I ordered him to get the iPod going, midwife asked "oh hypnobirthing?"
"Of a sort" I replied as Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out of the speakers, they admitted it was the first time they'd had a mother give birth to an audio book!
I got so hysterically giggly when I started on the gas and air that everyone had to leave the room. Apparently you could hear my giggles with the door shut and someone asked if I was actually in labour if I was able to laugh that much. Apparently I set myself off by doing darth vader impressions.
I have a few:
- me pushing with all my might and telling them I'm going to do a poo. Nurse: "don't worry love, it's supposed to feel like that". The look on her face when I indeed did do a poo was priceless!
- I was staying on a brand new labour and delivery suites, which meant no rushing from one to the other in the middle of things, but staying in the same room throughout. My placenta came out with quite some speed and they only just caught it in the bedpan, but it made an almighty splash. Blood high up on the new white curtains...
- Placenta carnage also ruined the Uggs the assistant midwife was wearing. I apologized profusely, but who wears Uggs on a labour ward?
- the machine that measures contractions only picked up about a third of mine, so they kept turning up the drip (I was induced). I'm sure they thought I was a wimp, as the contractions the machine did show, showed as not all that intense. At one point, my DH insisted they stayed in my room for a bit to actually see how many contractions I was having and how strong they were. They quickly turned the drip down a bit then!
Awww I didn't want this to end! .😥. More please
I revert back to being 15 in labour. All petulance and scowling and scoffing. I even shouted out once "I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN" and ran/waddled into the toilet crying, slamming the door behind me.
Episiotomy..ahh such fond memories of that too.
I actually remember this so well even though I was out of it. Episiotomy was mentioned, I asked what it was and instead of dressing it up..midwife told me they are going to cut between your butt and your ladygarden (yes she used those words ) to help DD out. I immediately took this to mean TOTALLY cut between the two and spent 5 minutes so worried that I would forever have a butthole/vagina hole rather than both.
Wasn't so funny attempting to heal from it though.
After narrowly avoiding a c-section the surgeon comes up and explains that an episiotomy was needed (thank God for spinal blocks, I didn't feel a thing) but not to worry because he did an amazing job on the stitches. In fact he was so pleased he's shown the nine other staff in the theatre, regardless of whether they asked/wanted to see or not. They were all encouraged to admire his neat handy work on my fanjo.
Oh and going to see the consultant for a sweep. It was the first day of a new trainee Dr working with her. Cue the consultant asking the Dr questions while she had her hand inside me and the Dr, who was clearly terrified of the consultant, having no idea what the correct answers were. It was very awkward, especially as the consultant left her hand where it was until she got an answer!
After an epidural and copious amounts of other drugs, I was happily chatting away to the midwives and Dh about random day to day stuff, absolutely thrilled to finally be out of pain after a 36 hour labour...when I felt a really weird feeling like a balloon blowing up between my legs. It felt so relaxing and was the weirdest feeling ever. I shit you not. Cue me announcing to the room that it felt like a balloon had just been blown up between my legs. Everyone just laughed at me with a 'shes so off her tits' type look. 25 minutes or so passed then something seemed to click with one of the midwives, who decided to check my progress again with a bit of an 'oh shit' look on her face..saying 'maybe that balloon thing was...'.
Well it turned out the 'balloon' feeling was actually DD moving swiftly downwards and her head was actually partly out of me and I assume it had been there since the feeling came on. I was rather out of it at this time but again I found it all so hilarious. Afterwards though I began to think that maybe...the midwives instead of pissing themselves laughing at me and assuming I was just high, should have maybe clicked on a lot sooner what this feeling just may be
Less detail, but it was also quite fun falling out of bed while taking a particularly large mouthful of G&A. Seconds after I (apparently) went on a bit of a rant about how I didn't need the sides up like a child and was perfectly capable of staying on the bed without rails...
I've joined MN just to bump this thread, funniest tread
DS came very very fast at the end - 4cm to birth within an hour. The MWs didn't believe me and weren't even looking when he shot out - DH said he nearly shot off the bed! Then no one saw when the placenta came out. It pretty much fell out, tbh. The MWs had their backs to me discussing office politics (!) so I asked
"what do I do with this?"
"Feed it?" [didn't look round]
"No, I mean this. The placenta"
"What the hell?! When did that come out?!"
I distinctly recall shouting "fucking hypnobirthing bollocks!" Several times. The MWs found this quite amusing, possibly because they knew me and how I planned to train to be a hypnobirthing consultant
When I was in early labour with DS mum came round to help with DD(3). She ran up two flights of stairs to the bedroom when she arrived because she could hear me and DD yelling at each other. I was actually mid contraction andDD was copying me - mooing and counting and bouncing (me on birth ball, she'd found a football). The look on her face!
G&A was fab! I kept offering DH and the MWs a go. It was a homebirth and I had this fixed idea that I had to be a good hostess!
have loved reading this thread. i read it over 5 days going home on the train. laughing like a loon and making a spectacle of myself!
ok so funniest bits for natural birth of DS:
1. waters going at 4am. jump out of bed (which had the expensive mattress protector on it should waters go in bed) run into the hall and have waters explode all over the carpet!
2. puffing around tesco having contractions in the chiller isle
3. sending DH and BP out everytime i had to have an internal. the student midwife who attended half way thru thought i meant i didnt want them back. DH sat out side for 2 hours not knowing what was going on.
4. letting DH back into the room, ordering him to the top end of the bed, on pain of death was he look at the fanjo end!
5. DS arriving and me apparently looking shocked and like i had lost somehting.
6. DH looking at the fanjo end just as placenta is delivered! never seen him look so green!
7. after all day and night in labour. DH goes home for a nap coz hes tired!!!
had only G and A for pain relief, DH asking how im feeling. me keep saying "stoned, so stoned. dont tell the MW"
DS1 - Had just moved to a new area and meeting new MW at new doctors. Was around 38 weeks gone, bent over to put shoes on (9am appointment) and waters break.
Go back upstairs to change trousers/underwear/socks and wake up ExP, telling him I'd either peed myself, or my waters broke and make the 10 minute walk to the doctors.
Told MW that I thought I was in labour, she checked and told me to get to the hospital (possibly boggling over the fact I was calm and not screaming blue murder with the couple of contractions I had while with her). Walk back home and pack up the few bits I was talking to the hospital while phoning DM (who asked ExP "who's coming?" - I blame it on being early).
ExP and DM were birth partners, as I refused to let her out of the room. Most of the time I didn't notice the contractions and made more noise when I felt DS1's NOSE passing through my fanjo than any other time.
DS2 - Can't remember how labour started, but once again phoned DM up to get me to the hospital (neither myself or ExP drive), dropped DS1 at ExMIL's. This time we also remembered to tell DF that DS2 was on his way. DF picked up ExP and cracked a joke about the other women in the birthing center sounded like a CD to make new mothers nervous. DM, me and MW gave him a death glare.
Still wasn't screaming blue murder with contractions, but were coming close together (I honestly kept thinking they were BH, my period pains were worse than contractions!). MW told us that my Iron was low so had to be transferred to another hospital - cue ambulance and blue lights - and even more people staring at me like I'd grown two heads when I calmly told them when a contraction started and ended.
Once again refused to let DM out of the room so she and ExP were birth partners...
tough as old boots me
HUGE Pushing contraction , Bearing down HARD, MW says "The head is crowning I can see the head!" Me Bearing Down Harder with another massive contraction, MW standing to one side near my knee so the trainee MW can see One more HUGE Push and........The amniotic sac explodes all over the MW, trainee mw & the wall behind them, without missing a beat the MW grabs a towel, wipes her face, drops the towel & mops the floor with her feet while catching the babies shoulders as DD#2 is slipping out, trainee is just standing there in shock with amniotic fluid dripping off her chin and running down the front of her scrubs.
I spent a good while in the birthing pool clinging to the gas and air pipe like it was the only thing keeping me alive. When they took it away so I could start pushing I found myself with my face part in the water; every time I breathed out I blew bubbles and probably sounded like I was drowning. Poor MW had to keep checking whether the water level was too high. I was so out of it I was convinced I needed my face in the water because it "helped" me deal with the contractions (which, thanks to the gas and air, had taken on physical properties. One was a big house and another a credit card).
No wonder I can't bloody remember what the contractions actually felt like, that gas and air is incredible stuff.
Oh, and not funny as such, but the relief I felt when I realised the MW really didn't care if she had to deal with bodily fluids. I was knelt against a birthing ball and really couldn't hold my wee the professionalism with which the MW calmly slid a mat beneath me was a real credit to her!
After being told I wasn't in labour and put onto a maternity ward thinking that I needed a really big fart, but not wanting to as the lady in the bed across from me would hear.
Writhing in pain I eventually thought 'fuck it, if I fart now I might ease some of this pressure, which could actually be trapped wind (since I'm told I'm not actually in labour anyway)'
So I try and ease out said fart and as I do, my waters POP and soak me, my pyjamas and the bed. Oh the relief! As I turn around to reach for my buzzer to call the nurse the overwhelming urge to push another 'fart' comes and DD2's head crowns!
Meanwhile, my (now ex) H is waiting for a taxi outside to take him home and realises he's lost his wallet. He comes back inside and the midwives all start congratulating him and telling him what a surprise that was. 'No no' he tells them 'I'm just in to look for my wallet, you must have the wrong person'
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