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Funniest bit of childbirth

(819 Posts)
rachelhill Fri 12-Jan-07 15:53:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Hollanda40 Tue 02-Jul-19 21:25:02

Ooh I have a couple.

DS:Me asking MW if she can turn TV on.
MW: Er why hon?
Me: I'm missing Casualty.

Also DS: we got to hospital 4.30 pm when my waters broke. I realised in our haste to get to hospital (by bus!! Two buses away in established labour fgs) I had forgotten to bring the bag. Which had everything in it including notes. At 9.10pm DH had to rush back home on a Saturday night in October to get it. He walked back into the labour suite only to see me puke everywhere after far too much Entinox.


The Consultant Obstetric came to check me over. I thought he was "fit" (He actually IS!!). Cue much mirth when he said "Your cervix is behaving well." Happy on Entinox (no OD puking this time) and a shot of diamorphine, I quipped "Ooh that's jolly marvellous!" That was a running joke throughout labour.

After having DD (we didn't know sex of baby beforehand and she was CSection) asking DH what we have. DH: A baby...
Me: Oh. I was expecting a small elephant.

I amused the MW. And the.students when I started asking why loads of schoolkids were so interested in my muff...blush confused hmm

cocodash Thu 18-Apr-19 12:30:20

due to have baby no#1 in 10 weeks and by god did this thead make me laugh!! cant blv its been going for over 10 years

YouBetterWORK Thu 27-Sep-18 22:55:50

After I'd just finished a contraction DH arrived in delivery and I'd been given the gas and air. First thing out of my mouth was "hey honey, listen. Listen to this" (puffs on mouthpiece) "I sound like Darth Vader heehee" grin

Tara336 Wed 26-Sep-18 18:27:39

Waking up from a good sleep (I slept most of my labour) to hear a woman screaming I asked my midwife what her problem was as she had woken me up, midwife said “she’s in labour” I replied “so am I” and promptly went back to sleep

Eistigi Fri 24-Aug-18 20:53:44

I remember from birth of DS1, I was holding DH's hand during labour and when I squeezed it a bit too hard he said "ow, you're hurting me!", my response "if you think that fucking hurts ...... " let's just say, i wasn't too sympathetic!!!!

Borntobeamum Thu 23-Aug-18 11:59:54

Arriving home with 12 hour old DS and Dd4 and Dd2, all our visitors who were coming to see us in hospital descended on us as we got out of the car. My DM and DF, MIL, FIL and Midwife arrived as we unlocked the door. I went straight upstairs to feed ds leaving DH to deal with everyone.
Cue knock on the bedroom door.
It was my DM asking 'Born, where do you keep your wedding dinner service? I want to make the Midwife a cup of tea and I want your China cups. Oh and have you got any more milk, yours in the fridge is out of date'.
Hang on mother, I'll just sprint to the local coop for you!!

Nannyplumshairstyle Tue 21-Aug-18 12:50:19

When my baby had come out, I was having those lovely cuddles whilst the midwife did my stitches.
I carried on having gas and air which (while I was in the later stages of labour, felt like it wasn't doing much)
but because the worst pain was over, my husband says that I was as high as a kite, laughing, cracking jokes and being generally hilarious drunk but all he could see was loads of (my) blood gushing onto the midwife's crocs and it blew his mind that I was just taking it like a walk in the park as to him it looked like such a disturbing thing!

MamaMilkMachine Mon 20-Aug-18 22:33:16

Looking at classics and decided to comment on this one..... after I had given birth the midwife who delivered my daughter had finished her shift so swapped with some poor woman who was left to stitch up the aftermath blush I had tore but not in the usual way, I had shredded my labia (TMI sorry) the second midwife walked in looked between my legs which were in stirrups and said.... well that's a nasty gash shock myself my DP and another midwife burst out laughing. Don't think she quite understood the insult!

GrandTheftWalrus Wed 18-Jul-18 08:46:05

Apologies for old thread bumping but it's hilarious and scary the age of some of the babies now!

I only have one. The mw giving me and DP a funny look as inbetween contractions we were discussing finding out the sex of the next child!

And that was my first! Not had second one yet.

Alloftheboys Mon 12-Feb-18 19:41:45

DS1 was due on the Monday. Went to midwife appointment Thursday and was told was 3cm dilated. "Ooh how lovely you'll have a baby by midnight" the lying MW told me. Little sod didn't make an appearance till 9.10pm Friday.
Was in birthing pool at hospital all day, got out and put on drip as contractions had stopped. Went blind- lack of oxygen maybe? Trainee MW knocked over tray of instruments which clattered all over the floor. She was then told "no we can't use these now get some clean ones!" shock

With DS2 got to hospital at 10.30pm. Was in pool by midnight and had him at 2.10am. Was listening to Heart club classics on the radio as was Friday night into Saturday morning.

BeeThirtythree Tue 02-May-17 03:03:31

DD1- birth, over 2 hours to get epidural midwife fainted, I got pinned down to get epidural done. The buzzer goes off and everyone races heart rate dropped, asked what do you want to do by doctor...I want a sandwich and Diet Coke and I will come back early, do you want a EMCS...oh ok then! Having baby held up with "here's your baby" was all just funny afterwards...DD2 I was all prepped and ready in theatre and there was an emergency lady in with twins so I had to wait again, ended up throwing my glasses at the doctor, saying I was going home and being a pain...completely not like me! Was not funny at the time...

WildKiwi Fri 14-Apr-17 09:41:11

Had planned on a low intervention natural birth (ha!). After having what felt like half the hospital having a look and poke around, but feeling pretty happy with life due to the awesome epidural drugs taking effect, DH very straight faced said to me "I don't think any of these people have read our birth plan".

DH can always make me laugh smile.

mlkxo Thu 13-Apr-17 16:48:30

My husband being absolutely clueless when I was pushing and just repeating EVERYTHING the midwife was saying.. and then sneaking gas and air every time they left!

Tweedledee3Tweedledum Thu 06-Apr-17 14:14:07

I laugh now when I think of the consultant with his finger in my arse, saying "well, you've still got your sphincter".

Welshmamma Sat 01-Apr-17 08:37:28

Saying I've changed my mind! I don't want a baby during labour with my first wink

Longwalkoffashortpier Mon 27-Mar-17 21:36:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spencerreidswife Mon 27-Mar-17 21:31:24

Thinking I needed a number 2 when it was in fact the babies head!!😭

moosechops Mon 27-Mar-17 21:20:29

With DD1 screaming at DP to "STOP EATING THE FUCKING TOAST" mid contraction at the top of my lungs. We still giggle at each other when I hand him toast.

With DD2 shitting on the midwives shoe. Then the cannula fell out of my hand and I didn't realise and DP started shouting "it's fell out its fell out!!" Que everyone running in the room and me thinking I've popped the kid out. Nope!

QueenieGoldstein Mon 27-Mar-17 21:11:13

I know it's an old thread but what the hell!

With DD2 I was expecting the same epic 3 day affair I'd had with DD1 so promised my DH a curry after we'd got sent home. Told him to leave the bags in the car as it couldn't be real yet (I was too calm). The midwives took one look at me and ordered me into the pool (DH had to run downstairs to get my case sharpish!)

He returned and I ordered him to get the iPod going, midwife asked "oh hypnobirthing?"
"Of a sort" I replied as Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out of the speakers, they admitted it was the first time they'd had a mother give birth to an audio book!

Sephipops Mon 27-Mar-17 20:34:56

I got so hysterically giggly when I started on the gas and air that everyone had to leave the room. Apparently you could hear my giggles with the door shut and someone asked if I was actually in labour if I was able to laugh that much. Apparently I set myself off by doing darth vader impressions.

Fattycowagain Sat 31-Dec-16 09:13:36

I have a few:
- me pushing with all my might and telling them I'm going to do a poo. Nurse: "don't worry love, it's supposed to feel like that". The look on her face when I indeed did do a poo was priceless!
- I was staying on a brand new labour and delivery suites, which meant no rushing from one to the other in the middle of things, but staying in the same room throughout. My placenta came out with quite some speed and they only just caught it in the bedpan, but it made an almighty splash. Blood high up on the new white curtains...
- Placenta carnage also ruined the Uggs the assistant midwife was wearing. I apologized profusely, but who wears Uggs on a labour ward?
- the machine that measures contractions only picked up about a third of mine, so they kept turning up the drip (I was induced). I'm sure they thought I was a wimp, as the contractions the machine did show, showed as not all that intense. At one point, my DH insisted they stayed in my room for a bit to actually see how many contractions I was having and how strong they were. They quickly turned the drip down a bit then!

Twatternatter Sun 18-Dec-16 23:12:13

Awww I didn't want this to end! .😥. More please

WetsTheFinger Sun 11-Dec-16 17:47:33

I revert back to being 15 in labour. All petulance and scowling and scoffing. I even shouted out once "I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN" and ran/waddled into the toilet crying, slamming the door behind me.

HornyTortoise Mon 22-Aug-16 18:59:00

Episiotomy..ahh such fond memories of that too.

I actually remember this so well even though I was out of it. Episiotomy was mentioned, I asked what it was and instead of dressing it up..midwife told me they are going to cut between your butt and your ladygarden (yes she used those words grin) to help DD out. I immediately took this to mean TOTALLY cut between the two and spent 5 minutes so worried that I would forever have a butthole/vagina hole rather than both.

Wasn't so funny attempting to heal from it though.

SmallBee Sun 21-Aug-16 03:59:37

After narrowly avoiding a c-section the surgeon comes up and explains that an episiotomy was needed (thank God for spinal blocks, I didn't feel a thing) but not to worry because he did an amazing job on the stitches. In fact he was so pleased he's shown the nine other staff in the theatre, regardless of whether they asked/wanted to see or not. They were all encouraged to admire his neat handy work on my fanjo.

Oh and going to see the consultant for a sweep. It was the first day of a new trainee Dr working with her. Cue the consultant asking the Dr questions while she had her hand inside me and the Dr, who was clearly terrified of the consultant, having no idea what the correct answers were. It was very awkward, especially as the consultant left her hand where it was until she got an answer!

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