Funniest bit of childbirth(808 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
When I was 3 months pg my sister went into labour with her dd. Dh and I went over to see her straight away as we had to look after her ds who was 18m.
She kept apologising for 'making noises' and 'scaring me'!
Funniest thing for me - is dh running out to the car at 6am, to put the car seat in the car as soon as my waters broke!
I was in the delivery room screaming and swearing very, very loudly. My dad stood outside the room trying to reassure the group of heavily pregnant and slightly alarmed women on a jolly tour of the birthing centre by saying 'don't let her put you off'. Also (only funny after the event) trying to get out of the wheelchair to push on all fours as the midwives tried to get me into a lift!
merryberry - think yourself lucky they were talking about career stuff - the team at my elective CS spent the whole time discussing their holiday plans - DH and I decided to take it as a good sign that everything was going smoothly
I love these
During the final stages of having ds1 I was feeling somewhat out of it from loads of gas and air, I was kneeling on the bed, draped over the haed board and suddenly realised someone was trying to take my watch off, I started fighting back, trying to wrestle the theif off and said something like "Feck off you mugger", it was only dh, he was worried I'd smash it as I was whacking my arms against the metal bedframe.
Having DS3, up to my chin in the birthing pool, jaws clamped on the gas and air, mw, student mw and dh all chatting away above me, across the top of my head, it really wound me up and I told them all to "F off and let me concentrate", I then did the loudest retchy belch and slipped under.
I rarely swear but during that transition stage I get really narked!!
I was given an epidural that didn't work, so told the anethistist (sp?) whilst completely high on gas and air that he had given me a placebo to see if having epidural was all in my head. When he said he had given a epi I screamed at him 'so why isn't it bloody working then'.
DH said he was pissing himself laughing so much he had to leave to room!!!!
It didn't actually happen in the delivery room, but it was still pretty funny!
I had been having contractions on and off all day on the Saturday, but it wasn't until 10pm that we thought maybe this was labour for real (I was only 36 weeks 2 days pregnant)! So we called the midwife and she advised us to come in.
By the time I had packed my bag, rung my friend to come look after our DS, and organised the taxi to take us to the hospital, I was in a LOT of pain and the contractions were coming on quick and fast. I had one on my way down to the taxi, and leaned over the garden fence to try to breathe through it. I thought the taxi driver would probably think I was drunk (it was 12.30am by this stage!) and luckily he let me in the taxi.
Later on he did actually say to my DH that he thought I was drunk!!!
All ended up well though, by the time I was examined in the delivery ward I was at 10cm dilated, and DS2 was born shortly afterwards...
The doctor giving me an epidural but taking ages to start the drip then asking if anyone in the room knew about machines!!
Shouting at my DH "Tell them bloody kids to stop letting those fireworks off" when it was actually the dripping noise of the epidural.
The doctor, midwife, student midwife all standing down there looking at my bits wondering what to do next.
Managing to lift my head slightly off the bed to see the very young doctor's head between my legs stitching me up and then asking for more cotton!!
None of it was funny at the time but looking back it doesn't seem so bad
During medicalised 2 day long birth was given another 15 minutes only of pushing before the forceps were whipped out. A crack team of additional consultants and neonatologist turned up, reviewed my notes for a minute and started chatting amongst themselves about career stuff.
So. Chat chat chat they go. And I suddenly said in a voice like the queen's venomous great auntie and penetrating but quiet:
'Do you mind? I am trying to concentrate here. If it isn't important be quiet you fools'.
And proceeded to give birth in glacial silence.
I don't remember any of this. This is dp's rendition of it. He said it was a like a bomb going off. Wish I could have seen it.
And that for our aftercare people tip toed around me.
When they plonked DS2 on my belly after he was born i thought awwww, he is lovely & warm, only to realise he was actually peeing all over me.
I get no respect from my children
Amiable- Very proud dad. He still likes to tell people that ds takes after him.
This thread is great.
This thread is cool and is (somewhat) dispelling my fears for birth of Ds2 come April...
Best moment of actually very good birth of DS1 was when I was in the bath at home. The midwife (independent, stroppy) had decided not to come yet as she said I was talking to much to be in late stage labour!
Me (in bath, grunting): something's coming out. Does it look like a bum to you? Because it feels like one.
In fact it was the top of DS1's baldy head- the skin was a bit scrunched up.....
Convinced he is about to officiate at an unassisted breech birth, DH flees to call midwife who jumps 2 red lights to arrive in time for DS1's head to be born....
Being slightly disorientated on gas and air and thinking my friend was in the room cos I could hear him talking only to realise that he was. He was DJing a weekend show on the radio!
I love this thread, keep coming back for more
cannot name check you all but my dh has had to listen to me lol
I want to redress the balance a bit an tell an amusing snip story. After child 4 my friend and his wife decided that the snip was the only option - they live in the states.
He is lying in the bed, bits out and feet in stirups (SP), when the nurse comes in and picks up his.... notes.
She said "Hi im your nurse Martha. ohhhhh you live 1234 martin luther street - I live on that street... must be 200 yards from you. You know, Ive done all the guys on our street, I did Dave at number 2345, Mike - you must know mike.. etc, etc" Medical confidentiality assured then!
Best bit is he has since been to parties and had other men who found out he has the snip come up to him. "Did Martha do you? Yeah, she did all of us, me Mike, Dave, Colin...."
Was 14 days overdue then induced, labour for 2 days and finally emergency c-section....
after a day of labour being told by the MW it wasnt pain i was feeling but discomfort!
DH asking me not to shout at the MW (after hearing my response to her discomfort comment)
whilst having all drips etc set up in my hand my DH stepped on one of the tubes and it came out of my hand resulting in what looked like a fountain of my blood pouring all over the bed....DH staggers back to the corner of the room having turned ghost white saying i'm so sorry i'm so sorry, the antheastist (sp?) then turned to my DH and said oh my god look what youve done....then started laughing his head off saying it was all liquid mixed with a tiny amount of my bood....my DH didnt find it as funny as we did
AFter walking to theatre for my elective c/s, holding dh's hand, my bed following us down the corridor like an awkward bridesmaid, realising at the theatre door I'd forgotten to remove my pants!! Mw was all in a dither about my modesty - I didn't like to tell her that in my experience, there was no such thing as modesty on labour ward!!!
I was in labour on Christmas Eve, when a bloke wanders into my delivery room and announces that he's the vicar. "Oh, lovely", I say.
"We've got some carol singers on the ward, can they sing you a couple of carols?"
Well, you'd have to be churlish to refuse, wouldn't you?
"we'll sing 'away in a manger', then have one verse of 'silent night', for luck" he said with a
It was all rather surreal..
Oh, and Dh ate my mince pie while I was otherwise occupied having his child.(I've not let him forget that).
pistachio - I refused to go into hospital with ds1 until I'd shaved my legs. He was 4 weeks early, and I actually asked the mw on the phone if it was ok to go and shave my legs before I came in ....
With DD1 and pethidine puking EVERYWHERE and then offering to help clean up the room. In between contractions, obviously.
With DD2 DH says the look on my face when the midwife was unpacking the baby bag and pulled out a newborn size babygro and said "this won't fit your baby, love. Have you got a bigger one?" DD2 was a bit of a lard a*se, bless her. Can still remember the labour - best contraception is the memory of a nearly 10 lb baby.
Not funny at time, but obs consultant who earlier had told me that I was definitely NOT having a large child (he'd just done a scan at 35 weeks) had to hand over to his strapping 6'5" colleague when he couldn't pull dd out using ventouse. He then took 5 mighty heaves to extract my huge dd.
My friend was being given an internal examination by the mw and found it painful so CLAMPED her legs shut, trapping the midwife, who desperately tried to reach the 'call for help' button with the other hand but couldn't. Apparently she kept saying "You HAVE to open your legs and let me get my hand out" ha ha ha ha
Opened this thread thinking hey childbirth isn't remotely amusing but first 2 posts have made me laugh.
Also my sister was being ordered to expel her placenta by independent mw who'd refuded even gas and air and she managed to shoot it across the room into mw's handbag. She said she thinks of it as her revenge placenta
This thread has had me crying with laughter.
My favourite was the DH who ate the toast intended for his DW!
While on pethadine, I emerged from a drug-induced stupor to announce:
"Isn't it lucky we're not on an aeroplane."
Well, yes, I guess it was...
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