Funniest bit of childbirth(799 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
I didn't think labour was funny, as far as i'm concerned it was hellish.
However, i will never forget the look on the midwives face when, after telling me i was x amount of centimetres dilated, and that it would be a couple of hours before baby arrived, then 10 mnutes later i got this urge to push, and told her, she was saying "i don't think you do need to push, you probably just need a poo!". So she had a look and said "Oh my goodness you were right"
The guy who gave me my epidural commented that I had a strong back & then asked did I play much sport...through gritted teeth I managed to spit out.... "not at the moment"
Birth of ds1. Dh was fascinated with the machine measuring the heart rate and contractions. Without taking an eye off the monitor
dh "take gas now your having a big contraction"
Macca "I don't need a f*cking machine to tell me I'm having a contraction"
MW lost baby heartbeat and pressed the emergency alarm. Tea lady arrived saying "did you call for help!"
Finally, after 3 calls of the alarm the room suddenly filled with 8 people, one of which was a man standing very quietly in the corner, noting on a clip board. My overriding memory was me shouting why the fuck is that bloke looking at my bits taking notes
I took the homebirth route 2nd time round....
didn't want to know whether having boy or girl. During labour midwife went for a feel around and after went off to get a doctor muttering hmmm, I'm sure I felt testicles ......
So that'll be a boy then
And a breech
And a c-section
Crawling around on all fours in the day assessment unit at 08:00am, waiting for a midwife to start her shift and confirm that I was in labour, the place was deserted apart from a cleaner calmly mopping the floor.
The midwife having to remind me that I would need to remove my trousers and knickers to have the baby
Wolfing down a plate of lunch in between delivery my ds and the placenta!
In the relative still of the night at the Rosie Maternity Hospital in Addenbrookes, Cambridge whilst I was appreciating the calming effects of the epidural and the midwife was quietly checking out the proceedings with her clipboard and DH was dozing in the corner, there came an almighty crash, bang, smash. Midwife looked up at me, over her glasses, put down the clipboard and popped out of the room. for a few minutes. As she came back in, and the door slowly closed behind her, I caught sight of an unconscious man being wheeled past the doorway in a wheelchair by 2 paramedics. He was the DH of the woman next door and had decided it was all a bit too much for him. Poor love.
Apart from that bit of light relief it was 'orrible.
Our hospital has a maternity unit called the Coldra, which is the same name as the out of hours GP centre. The midwife asked me mid contraction where I would like to have the baby, here or at the Coldra and I shouted I'm having the baby right now here and there is no way you are making me go to the fecking coldra, do you understand?????
Not as funny as some on here, have been pmsl!
Also when I broke Dp's finger during another contraction and refused to let him go to Casualty to get it seen to
with ds i had had an ARM and was walking around the room.... every few mins when i had a contraction i had to stop and call the student mw to come over and mop up the huge gush of fluid that flooded out of me.... she gave me 2 huge pads every time and every time i just flooded straight through them, my bump was half the size befor i even started pushing!
Not childbirth per se but during the final antenatal appointment with the ob he turned round to DH and said 'you do know to offer only 2 fingers dont you?'
much mouthing of 'what?' and 'don't know!' behing Obs back
Then the Ob says 5 mins later 'because I've seen men have their fingers broken in the delivery room'
In the car park DH says 'Glad he sorted that out, not read it anywhere but I thought he was advocating fisting my wife'
Consultant to baby: Hello
Plibble to anaesthetist: Is it a girl?
Anaesthetist to Plibble: I don't know
Plibble: Did you miss that day of medical school?
(Only the head was out).
And believing that the nurse trying (and failing) to take blood was in fact... Gail Porter (on some kind of sabbatical from her tv work) and later saying to DH "Gail Porter is rubbish at taking blood, they should send her for special training." He just nodded wearily.
Well, I did think I was the bee's knees while on the G&A with ds1. Move over Billy Connolly! Cracking jokes, telling stories, reciting poems - and then glancing over at dh and the midwife, who were sitting by my bed, totally po-faced.
Yelling at people (mostly poor old dh) when they did or said the wrong thing mid-contraction, then following it up when the contraction had ended wwith a quiet, polite, "Please".
my best friend, drunk, laying on the side of teh birthing pool, waving a glass of champagne at me saying 'come ON come ON Enid get on with it then you can have THIS!'
with dd1 head came out (VB) then contraction finishes with her still half in me. She started wailing, we're all waiting for next contraction for me to give further push to get the rest of her out, seemed like eternity, midwife says "it's like buses, when you want one it doesn't come along"...
all the time baby's head sticking out of me!
Poo, is what springs to mind. The birthing pool was full of it after I'd been in there - except for the bits that the midwife had kindly scooped out with a colander which my DH told me about later. Then i shat again in theatre when they did the ventouse. Dignity out of window, but amazed and chuffed they my DH didn't piss himself laughing till we got home...
DH offering me 2 paracetamol prior to going to hospital "to take the edge off"
DD was born 40 minutes later
DH chatting away to lady in labour, having carefully made sure the door and curtsins round it were closed. Me, showing my bits off to all and sundry? Not me, missus! The indignity of it...the look of total horror on DH's face when he came in and told me he'd been checking the notes of said grunting lady and realised it wasn't me. Had a quick shufty at the business end, decided it wasn't mine and left quickly.
After a little to much gas and air (to DH)..
"Am I having a pedicure?"
Collapsing into hysterical giggles at the idea that the poor consultant stitching up by fango was "doing macrame" ... ahhhh, gas and air...
Being induced with DS1
Midwife: you might like to get changed into some nightclothes for when you deliver the baby.
MrsDarcy: no thank you very much, I'll leave my clothes and underwear on.
I realised after a while that there was no way I could avoid having to take my pants off.
Just as I was about to start pushing DS2 out, DH rolled his sleeves up past his elbows in the manner of a vet delivering a calf. The midwife asked him what the hell he thought he was doing so he kept out of the way after that.
Funny in retrospect: being given some toast v shortly after delivering DS2. DH thought it was for him and ate it gratefully commenting on how badly he needed it.
not so much in labour but...
my waters broke all over our bed at 930 am on a saturday morning,
dp: er i think u need to go the loo cos uv wet urself
ei: ok go back to sleep il go in a min... oh s**t my waters have broken!!
iv never seen a man move so fast!! it was like superman he was round my side of the bed in the blink of an eye to have a look!!
stupid unobservant mw: what makes u think ur waters have broken??
ei: erm well i dont routinely walk around peeing myself in plain veiw of the general public so thats a big effin clue i reckon!! also look at this big shiny puddle around my feet... can i have a wet- floor sign please??!! anyone??...
also... i asked the mw an the maternity ward ( i was kept in cos i had polyhydramnios) for pain relief and she promptly told me all i could have was paracetamol cos i wasnt in that much pain!! cheeky effer how the f does she know how much pain i was in grrr at this point i was panting and puffing my way through contractions every minute or so...
at mrsdarcy and her dh eating the toast, my dh was very glad of a nice cup of tea after my labour with dd, I was in too much shock to eat or drink
ds labour was good, neighbours were out in the garden telling other neighbours I was having hb, the mws were eating lunch out there too, the shocked neighbours looked at them and said "and she has GOT visitors?"
I was half way up the stairs( to give birth in 20 mins) my mum arrived, because I had forgot to give her a dress for my dd to go to a party - I was standing on the landing, serious contraction and my dd had party in 15 mins, I wasn't exactly pleased to see her
after labour, lying in bed, with beautiful son, dh on phone to MIL "it was so much easier this time"
when i told dh to fish my black scrunchie out of the pool as it kept floating past my face and the look of horror on the mw's face as dh did as with the dimmed lights she thought it was a turd! lol
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