Funniest bit of childbirth(804 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
DH missing the birth then turning up as I was having stitches and saying "oh you had the baby? Why did'ent you wait?"
Havin DS I was told a couple of hours before it won't be long then nothing at one point I said to friend and DH get the midwife in here, when she walked in I said "either tell me this baby is coming out now or give me sum god damn drugs!" poor thing didn't know where to put herself lol wasn't that long afterwards he was born
Wasn't funny at the time, but now I think back it was!
Had already been sent home twice from the hospital as I wasn't in established labour (felt as though I'd failed an exam or something!) but on 3rd admittance was in agony, pains in my lower back and at the bottom of my uterus but no pain at the top. So MWs were not convinced I was in established labour yet. Advised me to have a bath and then said they would have to send me home after. In the bath, Dh was trying to persuade me to stay in as long as possible, I wasn't having it. "I have to get out NOW!!! I feel like I need to do a really big POO!!!", stood up and I think my waters were breaking as I could see gloopy liquid tricking between legs. So went to delivery suite and told MWs who were VERY sceptical. They decided to examine me again, the MW's face was a picture when she looked up at DH and said, "She's 9cm dilated!", she asked me to get up and then my waters just went completely - it went everywhere!!!! DS arrived 30 minutes later. MWs were covered in bodily fluids and I was so mortified I kept apologising to the midwives!! Plus much to my DH's amusement, I started trying to clean up after I had my shower cause I was so embarrassed about the mess I made
When i was having my ds 11 years ago i had to be induced. then had my waters broken. My late dh and I were watching a cricket match in the labour ward. I nearly drove the midwives to distraction, every time a wicket went i was shouting, the midwives would rush in and say are you ok Mrs Jenkins? I would say its ok it was another wicket! they couldnt wait to get me into the delivery room.!!
Was induced with dd1 and had ARM - continually insisted that I was peeing myself and I didnt like it so would someone please f*ckin let me off the bed to go to the toilet. Also high on gas and air and rambling some crap about Chris Tarrant coming back to see us - never seen him) cos we had won Who Wants to be a Millionaire (WTF?!). Swore like a trooper entire labour!
dd2 - another induction - frantically been flung in a wheelchair (with just a pj top and a housecoat flung on top to cover th exit) after realising i was fully dilated (prev didnt really know i was in labour) and being run along the corridor with all doors being held open then waters popping in the lift on the way to delivery. Then on arrival insisting i wasnt pushing baby out til my mum and dp arrived (despite major urge to push) then dp arrives and still no mum - and i did not push again til mum got was allowed in to the room
then after delivery telling my mum (who always calls midwifes nurses) that the mw was a f*ckin mw not a nurse - shes done an extra 18 months training mum - stop fu*kin calling her a nurse! MW didnt know where to look then added - you tell her hen i;m not a nurse - think i caused quite a bit of hilarity. Oh and Mears was in the room next door
Went to the toilet quite wasted on pethidine. The lightbulb was broken in there and I thought 'I'll just keep my hand down there in case the baby falls out' (ha ha). Mid crouch, somthing comes out and I can feel it on the palm of my hand.
I scream 'my baby!' midwife, mother and DH all come running in in time for my whole waters sac to crash onto the floor and cover them in amniotic fluid.
Then I stood there sobbing for a bit cos I couldn't figure out what had happened, it being pitch black n all.
Getting high on gas and air and exclaiming "Magic snails! I can see magic snails climbing the curtains!"
Also, I was looked after by a doctor who was called Dr Patient.
During first stage of labour at home, I decided to have a bath but it provided no pain relief whatever so I was screaming and swearing in a colourful manner with each contraction while dh looked after dd1 downstairs. After a while I realised that my Mum and Dad had arrived to look after dd1, and everyone had been able to hear all my swearing.
Later at the hospital, there were building works going on outside the room I was in and there were gaps in the slatted blinds so the builders could (presumably) see in. I was too far gone to care by that point, though.
DH had driven me to hospital, dropped me off at maternity unit entrance and went to park the car, I leant against the wall whilst having a contraction and waters were still flowing, breathing through the contraction - I was quite calm as felt no urge to push, and as I looked up I saw a heavily pregnant lady in her night clothes looking at me and pointing, saying to her partner, in a very panis stricken voice "see - that is what I do not want to happen to me! I am not leaving this hospital until I have had this baby!"
Then whilst I was in the delivery room, I grunted a few times and the MW said "Mrs X you can't push yet - you are not fully dialated" I said "I can't help it - my body is doing it not me" I got tearful and said what will happen, she said I am calling the consultant. Consultant came in mid contraction and I am breathing heavily through the contraction and consulant says " MRS X are you in any pain?" I looked at her with my eyes popping out, unable to talk as was breathing, but my look must have said are you F....... crazy woman of course I am in pain, the MW looked at me and said Dr means are you in any pain apart from the contractions - I just shook my head in utter disbeleif! DH says the look on my face said it all!
My body continued to push and I was grunting so they told me to get on the bed, as I lay down I said "are you sure that baby is not there because I can F>>>> feel something inbetween my legs!" Consultant looked and said to MW - there is no problem here - MW went into panic mode as head was crowning and she was not prepared for it!
Not ready to push my arse!
Just arrived in the delivery suite to hear an ungodly shrieking from the next room.
Without missing a beat MW said "Oh, ignore her, she's just stubbed her toe." AND I BELIEVED HER! (DH wisely kept his mouth shut).
Been in labour for approx 14 hours when waters finally fully went in big gush all over DH's feet I was a bit spaced out on gas and air and all I could say was it's okay you can borrow my socks.
Once dd finally born mw inspecting placenta when artery in cord burst covered both mw's, floor and wall behind mw in blood just missed dh. I couldn't stop laughing
When the placenta was delivered I was still in a G & A stupor. I was utterly convinced it was so big it took 2 men with yellow wellies to get it into the wheelbarrow they had so handily brought with them! Infact I beleived that had actually happenned for a few days unti DP cleverly pointed out that I had been carrying said placenta round on my own for past 9 months so therefore it did NOT need 2 men in wellies to carry it for me.
I was sent for a bath after delivery and remember being so embarrassed about how bloody the bath was that I actually found some cleaning stuff and cleaned it until it was sparkling. I was so tired I could barely see but I remember thinking the midwives would think I was a dirty person if I didn't leave it clean. WTF
Saying Jesus Christ over and over again whilst the midwife fingered her cross and looked at me disapprovingly - should have just said Twunt over and over but didn't want DS hearing that as his first word in the world.
Oh and off my face on gas and air begging for more drugs and being yelled at that I had already had DS!
Again the laughter comes from the gas and air - I got paranoid we were going to run out so I told my hubby to go and get a few more bottles - as if he was off to the off licence....... then I became like a silly school girl and thought in my head that I would not stop taking the gas and air in between as advised because then I would always feel sooo good and there would be no more pain still seem logical!!......hmmmmm a good spew later and I ordered the epidural
I was in labour on my birthday. After dicussing the fact that LO would arrive on my birthday she said. " Its a lovely Birthday presents, aren't you glad he's not boxed and gift wrapped".
Tears running down my face with this thread.
DS2 had just crowned, and the midwife asked if I wanted to see the babies head. My reply through gritted teeth was
" I don't F***ing need to see the F***ing head, I can F****ing feel it. DH nearly missed the actual birth because he was hiding behind the curtain trying not to laugh out loud.
I though the red eyes were from me squeezing his hand so hard, no, it was from crying tears of laughter.
this is making me cry with laughter too.
after 30 hrs of my longed for homebirth, my big fat stuck boy wasn't budging so off to hospital for the whole epidural/epispinal/forceps affair. i didn't care at that point.
the senior midwife refused to examine me on all fours, said she could only do it if i lay on my back and there was no way i was doing that. dp muttered: just turn your diagram upside down.
unfortunately she didn't hear him.
then after a few hours of whacking more drugs into me than i had happily and illegally taken for a decade before pregnancy, the baby was dragged out. when i raised my tired head to peer at the tricky shouting bugger before they raced him off i cracked: look! its not yours! its got dark hair! (like my ex boyfriend. it was actually my blood.)
then dp called into the distance where they had taken our baby: "is he all alright?"
and the midwife yelled back: "yes, he has all his fingers, all 5 of them!"
"5? im sorry, its meant to be 10?" joked dp.
we were the only ones who thought we were funny.
On gas and air, I was wrigling through the fruit from 'The Hungry Caterpillar'.
After the emergency and traumatic C Section, when they slide you off the table onto a bed I whooped and said "Cool, that's the best thing that's happened to me all day! Oh, except having a baby!"
Oh, how we laughed... 2 weeks later!
I said to very small lady doctor "are you sure that you are not 12 years old" She spat at me "I will be consultant in 2 years" and then got me back by performing a fetal blood check with little care for my pain.
nearly fully dilated and mw bent down to check if she could see head (I was kneeling up, resting arms and head on bed) and there was a REALLY loud bang and waters exploded all over her glasses! poor woman! she was totally unfazed!!! God love her!
After 4 days of trying to induce me with that gel, the decision was made to break my waters, mainly because I wouldn't stop swearing and complaining and they were desperate to get rid of me.
The doctor was gorgeous. I developed an instant and huge crush. This was unfortunate not only because I am married and was in there with my husband, having our baby, but also because my first view of him (and he of me) is through my stirruped legs as he approached me with what appeared to be a gigantic crochet hook.
The sight of him approaching me with that hook made me panic and they gave me the gas and air, which I really went to town on. So I peeked between my legs at Doctor Slipstitch and he suddenly looked just like Little Bo Peep. So I asked him where his sheep were and then I laughed for about 10 minutes. All he said was "I think it's [the G&A] working.
I had taken a box of chocs and a BOOK into the del suite - showing my total ignorance! The books remained in the bag and the midwives enjoyed the chocs - every midwife on duty came into the room every ten minutes to ask how I was feeling and collect a caramel swirl.
It was all rather surreal, really!
ha ha - Hecate, pmsl!
hey, I took a box of the Trivial Pursuit questions with me with my first labour PMSL
Oh, I also vomited...I was facing the right, dh was on my left. I suddenly felt sick so I turned around to face him, and vomited all over him.
I don't know why I did that, it felt oddly right at the time.
DH having to peel my fingers 1 by 1 from around his fingers then placing them on the grab rails because his fingers had gone blue.
being high on G&A when having stiches deciding to talk about bottom sex with the midwife when she stuck her finger up my bum to check she hadn't stitched all the way through
or having a contraction to "don't stop me now" by queen
A very nice consultant was about to deliver DS1 vy vontouse ans said with a very thick Asian accent
"When I say pant, pant" I asked,
What do you mean- "pont"?
DH couldn't contain himself.
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