I haven't been active on mn for a while, but I find myself with no-one IRL to ask. Which is fucking ridiculous, I know. It's not that I don't have some good friends. But I feel stupid for being so uncertain about this. Also, like they might judge me for thinking about this so soon. (I was widowed 16 months ago. We were together for 18 years, right from Uni, married for 15. 3 kids who are amazing but still broken hearted. FUCK CANCER.)
Anyway, deep breath. I've become close to someone over the past 6 weeks while emailing about a project we're both involved with in different ways. (Both freelancers in creative fields who work on several projects at a time - this is the only one where our involvement overlaps.) This particular project is very personal to me, as it touches on loss and grief, and our e-conversations became quite deep and I felt like we clicked, and would perhaps become friends. I didn't think about him romantically before we met - mainly I think, because I'm too busy to think about anything much beyond my kids and my work.
On Friday evening we met for the first time, at the official launch of the project. There were a lot of people there, and I'm not gregarious (especially as this was the first big event I've gone along to since everything, and am still receiving some awkward condolences) and he clearly is outgoing. But we ended up chatting in a corner for nearly an hour, couldn't stop talking. I fell for him hard - massive, instant crush 
. He's so tall, and his eyes are so blue, and I'd forgotten how nice it is to smell an attractive man, and listen to a deep voice... stupid stuff. Then we were interrupted and chatted to other people, though I kept looking over and seeing him smiling at me. I don't think I've smiled so much in ages. I had to leave to catch last train home while event was in full swing, and was too shy to go over and say goodbye.
I haven't heard from him in the few days since (though wouldn't have expected to). But my friend, who is heavily involved with this project and got me the gig, phoned me last night to say that he got her aside, after I left, and said that we had a connection that had come across in our emails and even more in person, and asked her if I had started dating. She told him that I haven't. That I'm not over my husband, and that my kids need a lot of my time. I guess that's all just about accurate. (I've been to a few dinner parties where I've been sat next to flirtatious single men who have not interested me at all.) Or has been, until now. She said she felt bad at discussing me behind my back, and also at speaking for me, but she didn't act like she thought she was materially wrong in what she'd said. I was too embarrassed/tongue tied to correct her. She's right. But also... he feels this connection too? He wants to know if I'm dating?
I've done no work since the school run this morning, just written a list of all the reasons why pursuing this would be a bad idea. (He doesn't have kids, and is I think a few years younger than me. I'm not having any more kids - couldn't do that to mine.)
Also, I have no time! I have a fucking spreadsheet rather than a diary, so full is my time. (My parents come and stay to have the kids one weekend a month, but that's it. One weekend a month for me, which I usually spend in a B&B on the coast, reading and running.)
And another also. He thinks I'm not dating, and I don't know how I'd let him know that I might be interested in dating (him). Should I call back my friend? Correct her, and she could tell him? Or would that look unprofessional, with this project? Shall I wait until it's over (at least 6 months)? Could I in the meantime at least ask her if he's as nice as he seems?
Lots of questions. Even writing this has helped clear my mind a bit. Thanks if you've read it. Any advice much appreciated.
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Dating again (gulp) after being widowed
Somerville · 07/03/2016 14:48
I never have any time (I work abroad 5/14 nights, single parent all but one of the days I'm home) yet funnily enough, when I found the right man, time seemed to appear 
I'm so sorry for your loss 
The right man I mentioned lost his wife to cancer 4 years ago - hence I noticed a thread with 'widowed' in the title. I can't imagine how hard it was for him, or you.
I think sometimes people realise slowly that they're ready for something (my boyfriend did) and other people get a huge nudge in that direction that helps them along unexpectedly.
I would drop the friend as a middle man.
I would sort out in your own mind whether you would date anyone with the professional complication.
I think I'd email him and say that you have really enjoyed working with him, and the night out took you by surprise that you could feel an interest for someone again. Maybe tell him that you haven't thought about dating and that even without any other issues you would be concerned about the professional situation. And that life is really busy - but you wondered if he wanted to meet for a drink? Tell him that you haven't dated yet and have no idea how you feel about doing so, so you're suggesting a drink rather than a date - and just see how it goes.
Without wanting to piss on your bonfire, I would be a little wary of your feelings - this project may by it's nature have created a false intimacy as it encouraged you to open up on painful things.
Good luck!
Thanks, both of you.
Raven - That's very insightful of you (re time). I feel like I have no time because of the DC. They have complicated schedules (each at a different school, counselling sessions on alternate days, and a plethora of sports at weekends), which I have no way of simplifying without causing them more upheaval and upset. Keeping them busy is helping them - unfortunately as an introvert I find this massively draining. But the reality is, as I think about your question, that I could take people up on offers to help out with lifts and things like that. But fulfilling the roles of both dad and mum to them (DH instigated all the sports, and each of them being at a different school) has helped me to feel a little more control, right from when DH was diagnosed. Food for thought...
Cabrinha - Funny how time appears when it's really needed . I don't know if your boyfriend would agree, but at a young widow/ers group I attended a few times, we discussed how in some ways it is easier to think about finding love again, having been widowed rather than divorced. Some people there had lost their second spouse, having been divorced from the first. And they expressed how a divorce affected their confidence in a way that being widowed didn't. None of my memories have been undermined by being cheated on, or by falling out of love. And I know I can build, and sustain, a strong relationship. (Though this is definitely shittier for the DC than if DH and I were divorced and they still spent half their time with him, which is probably why I feel guilt when doing anything for me that doesn't directly benefit them.)
And I get what you mean - that the project could have created false intimacy. I should be wary about that. I think I would have been when we were just emailing, had I thought it through. But meeting him the other night, it felt like when I first met DH. Which makes me feel like opening a bottle of wine, but it's a Monday. GOD.
I am thinking about writing him an email along the lines you both suggest. It's the advice I'd give anyone else. Just not sure if I'm brave enough to follow through.
I am probably approaching this from a different the wrong angle but...
My husband left me and moved in with somebody whose husband's funeral had taken place only 4.5 months before after he was killed in an RTA. THAT caused raised eyebrows and they are and continue to be widely judged. I really don't think that 16 months after your husband's tragic death (am so sorry), is too soon for you to dip your toe into the water. What have you got to lose? It could possibly do wonderful things for your confidence, the man involved is clearly interested, you don't have to involve your children at all. It could be the start of something wonderful for you (I have to say that I have almost fallen in love with him from your description 
).
I would most definitely contact him and say something along the lines of those suggested above..."sorry I missed you, would love to meet again". I am sure he will bite your hand off!
Without doubt, your lovely DH would be so pleased to see you rebuilding your life..you have been through an horrific ordeal. There is no harm in enjoying the company of an interested man and seeing how things develop!
I shall watch with interest I love a romance. Good luck OP
Just email him and ask if he would like to meet for a drink. It sounds like he is not going to say no!
I was a MofH this weekend for my widowed friend who married a widower - it was a very emotional day but watching them made me even more certain we have to cease the moment.
But he way, have you heard of WAY? It's a group for the widowed and young. Two of my friends have said its been their lifeline - for online and RL support. In fact it's how she met her DH.
Good luck OP. 
That's really interesting Somerville - and yes, my boyfriend is far more positive about finding lasting love again than I am! (unpleasant marriage ending in divorce)
I approach it as "I suppose it might work, may as well try" whereas he is all "why wouldn't it work?!"
He knows that he can still be happy and in love 20 years down the line, and sees no reason why he can't be again.
I'm quite excited by being with someone who has succeeded in marriage, unlike me (though I'm not taking the blame for that 😉)
It's been nearly 4 years now and he pops up to the cemetery every week to take flowers and have a chat, fill her in on what their kids are up to... He's ready to date, but obviously she's still very important to him. Which makes me happy that I've found a man who wants love, and believes he can sustain it.
Good luck with this man! Mine also said he felt the way he had with his wife, when he met me. I hope you find love.
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Cabrinha, I agree with your boyfriend. He sounds lovely. And every week at the cemetery - I'm under a year and a half on and only go on special occasions. Still find it quite hard, there. Though DD2 would go more if I agreed, but she mainly takes grave-side selfies to show her friends 
. I do find myself talking to DH a lot in my head. Not about this today though, guess I feel a bit guilty. (Not that I think I, or anyone else moving on after loss, has anything to be guilty about.)
Those with hopeful stories, either your own or of others you know, thank you. OneBiscuit - how wonderful that you've worked hard to incorporate your DH's late wife's family into yours. There are so many disaster stories about blended families that the whole thing terrifies me. But I know from my own extended family that it is possible.
Earlier I texted my (much younger than me) sister saying I'd met someone and was considering asking him out for a drink. She's just replied. No comment, just a link to an article about how to "wax one's lady garden". Boak.
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