Overheard on the bus

[AdventuringAbout]

Man to partner: It's a lovely day for a walk in the park...
Woman: It is, but there are lots of other things we must do today.

Man: like what?
Woman: well, for one thing, I need to check all the use-by dates of things in the fridge.

Suddenly my day of nappy changes and playing trains seemed much less dull

Any good eaves-dropping round your way?

[popcornpaws]

On the bus, two neds sitting behind me, first one says to his pal, "i need a pish" second one says, "just roll up your jacket and pish into that"
I got up and moved seat...

[GoofyIsACow]

[WorraLiberty]

In KFC the other day

"So how's Trevor doing anyway?"

"They buried him last Monday"

"Really??"

"Yes. He died"

[AdventuringAbout]

Seems reasonable then Worra!

[WaitingForMe]

I nipped into the Co-op on Christmas Eve and two women were debating bottles of fizz. Their problem centred on every time they bought a "nice" bottle it was horribly dry and you'd think it'd be nicer for the money it cost.

I was itching to tell them to just buy the Lambrini and be happy that they liked lower price bracket wine.

[Only1scoop]

Blimey they Must have a humongous fridge

[Cubee]

Two teenage boys.

1: "Mate, i'm telling yoi, you're wrong"

2: "how can i be? A duck is not a bird mate. It's like a bird, but not a bird".

1: "its like a bird cos it is a bird!"

2: "but it swims. Birds don't swim, they fly"

1: "'it swims'??!! Well, it's not a fucking fish is it?!"

2: " no. But it's not a bird either".

Made my week.

[WorraLiberty]

AdventuringAbout That would all depend on the order of things

[trinity0097]

Hen I was doing the big Xmas food shop in Tescos before Christmas, I was in the cider aisle, and a lady 'no not apple cider i want proper cider' - what does she think traditional cider is made from?!

[mwalimu]

I once saw 2 women having a drunken argument outside a nightclub. As they were being dragged apart, one spat over her shoulder 'and don't think you'll be borrowing my henry-hoover again!'

[SeaUnicorns]

It's a year ago now but i still remember the conversation and it came up in my time hop recently
Middle aged mother and 20 something daughter, obvously been having conversation with bus driver before I got on

Daughter; you can't live without red meat
Mother: well vegetarians seem to manage
daughter: they eat meat
Mother: no they just eat vegetables (then to the bus driver) don't you
Driver: well and Quorn
Daughter: that's meat
Driver: no it's mushrooms.
Daughter: but you can't live without meat!

[Dwerf]

Students in the pound shop

student 1: What day is Halloween?
student 2: Thursday
student 1: yes, but what date?
student 2: 31st.
student 3: really? wasn't it on the 31st last year too?
student 2: it's on the 31st every year!
student 1: oh? I thought it moved?

[GnomeDePlume]

On holiday in south of France, we are at a viewing point looking over a lake. It's a big lake but you can still see all sides of it. An American Harley Davidson motorcycle tour group pulls up into the viewing point. One rider says to the other:

'Is that that Mediterranean sea?'

[fluffyraggies]

Overheard by a volunteer at a lunch club:

Elderly Lady 1: ''Did you hear? Doris has died!''

Elderly Lady 2: ''No! Poor Doris. Was she at home?''

EL 1: ''Yes. Her daughter found her. Very sad.''

EL 2 ''Was the doctor called?''

EL1 ''Yes, - but he said there was nothing he could do ... because, apparently all her blood had turned to milk!!''.

EL 2: ''Good gawd!''

[AdventuringAbout]

Some of these have made my day. I especially like the duck/bird conundrum!

[alltoomuchrightnow]

this is a few years ago, and have shared it on here before but it cracks me up so much.
In the tea room where I was working and two women sat down with their coffees, one flicking through her phone showing the other her photos -

'and this is one of all the stuff that Our Debbie had sucked out of her'

[alltoomuchrightnow]

(yes, she photographed Debbie's lipo)

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

Man: "I do like her she's just stiff"

Woman: "what do you mean she's stiff?"

Man: "when she walks she looks really stiff so I couldn't walk next to her"

Eh?!

[Tealady1983]

Loving this

[CaptainAnkles]

'All her blood turned to milk' Brilliant

[calzone]

2 vair vair posh ladies in Aldi

'Oh Muriel, look.....a chorizo sausage with it's own board.....£4! That is definitely going into Hugo's hamper.....'

[SoonToBeSix]

Love the Henry Hoover lady.

[PoppySausage]

Years ago my mum eaves dropped two elderly ladies talking about Christmas

'You going out Boxing Day?!' One shouted at the other while sitting legs akimbo flashing everything

We now use 'going out boxing day' as code for someone who is flashing their knickers!!

[Comingfoccacia]

Pissed off man declaring loudly to his wife "i told you the best thing to do was puree it!" whilst walking through the market.

[Trills]

A group of men on the tube were singing Islands in the Stream yesterday.