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Things you never hear a toddler say

(320 Posts)
Kasterborous Sat 22-Feb-14 16:44:54

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

PrettyPictures92 Sat 20-Sep-14 14:32:45

Of course I won't attempt to stand up and poo mummy, I remember how horribly wrong that went this morning and I know you don't appreciate having to clean the toilet, floor and side of the wall with disinfectant yet again today.

I'm not going to stand on the window sill and give the old lady across the road another heart attack causing her to race over and knock frantically on the door while you're in the toilet mummy, even though the window is closed I know how dangerous it is. There's absolutely no chance of that happening again.

Yes I understand the wall is wet with paint and it would be ridiculous to touch it and make pink hand prints all over the new carpet that don't come out.

(This all happened today, how do I get through the next five hours without someone being killed?!?)

Kasterborous Mon 03-Mar-14 20:28:54

'Your right mummy I can't carry my four big dinosaurs and four cars upstairs on my own. Can you help me please'.

vladthedisorganised Thu 27-Feb-14 19:23:30

You take your time, Mum. No rush whatsoever.

YarnyStasher Thu 27-Feb-14 18:33:38

As I'm not feeling well, I'll just curl up on the sofa watching a movie this afternoon. Then, an early bedtime would be lovely because I know sleep is the best medicine.

couldthisbeit Thu 27-Feb-14 18:11:23

I have been thinking mum, I completely understand that as you enter your 13th hour of looking after me as I potty train, and weaning my teething baby brother, you are at your lowest energy level and I won't therefore become even louder and more bouncy for the next hour until bedtime.....

Kasterborous Thu 27-Feb-14 14:35:49

'Of course I will get off the swing without making any fuss at all, after all that other little girl wants a turn and I have been hogging it'

bellini1 Thu 27-Feb-14 07:10:04

Oh thank you mummy , I love having my nose/face cleaned. It's pure joy.

An biscuit? No mummy that's unhealthy . I would prefer a super healthy vegan snack that you've spent ages making and bought lots of fancy ingredients for.

You are so right. Unplugging everything electrical is naughty and annoying .

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 27-Feb-14 00:00:43

It's OK, I'll eat the broken biscuit. After all it tastes the same and it will be missing a corner anyway once I start to munch it. And that banana with a tiny bit of black in it is fine too.

ZingSweetMango Wed 26-Feb-14 14:52:53

ok, I get it, bits of tissue paper up my nose is not a good game.

Kasterborous Wed 26-Feb-14 14:31:40

'Of course I won't throw myself on the pavement because I can't get on the bus that has just gone past, especially when we aren't even waiting for a bus'

tumbletumble Wed 26-Feb-14 13:50:28

I see that my big sister has a friend over to play. It would be nice if I left them to play together without interfering. I wouldn't want to spoil things for them.

Bumpsadaisie Wed 26-Feb-14 13:14:19

"D'you know what, Mum, I thought something major was wrong - I was going to start wailing and screaming, but actually, I realise I'm just a little bit tired, that's all. A little lie down and I will be right as rain again. Night!"

beancounting Wed 26-Feb-14 12:48:26

Hmm, I'm a bit thirsty but as it's the middle of the night I think I'll just help myself to this sippy cup someone thoughtfully placed by my bed. No need to wake the whole household when I can do it myself.

I find Disney princesses a bit too pink and sparkly tbh, I think I'd like to dress up as a pirate today instead.

Mummy, I can see the baby is tired and hungry so I think it would be a good idea if you fed her and put her to bed, while Daddy gives me a bath and cleans my teeth. After all, I haven't seen him all day so it would be nice to catch up.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 26-Feb-14 11:58:28

Of course im not going to stand in the potty, that would be stupid! Especially as I would then have to cry for half an hour as my feet Would be wet

weebarra Wed 26-Feb-14 11:34:16

Yes, I understand that having cleaned the toilet with my toothbrush I really should dispose of said toothbrush.

nobodysawmedoit Wed 26-Feb-14 09:41:11

Put your phone in the toilet? What a ridiculous idea. I wouldn't dream of it.

How mortifying to think I might have inadvertently embarrassed you in public. I absolutely will never do THAT again.

nobodysawmedoit Wed 26-Feb-14 09:38:21

Look Mummy, I made lunch for both of us. Sorry for tucking in already, it's just that I don't want to be late for my nap. You know how I get terribly tired and cross.

In a hurry? Why didn't you say so? Here, let me get in the pushchair and put on my shoes and coat while you get the keys. I found them down the sofa so I put them right back on the hall table for you.

Thank you.

YarnyStasher Wed 26-Feb-14 09:17:39

I don't want to talk about trains today. And I certainly won't cry for 30 minutes if you don't let me watch Thomas.

ZingSweetMango Wed 26-Feb-14 09:14:39

no hugs while you are pouring boiling water?
ok, that's quite sensible actually

LaTrucha Wed 26-Feb-14 08:37:02

Mummy, I do understand that you won't want to spend your hard-earned money at the petting zoo that you promised to take me to today quite as much if I tantrum about thirty things this morning. I'll just let you get everything ready, and then we'll go.

YarnyStasher Wed 26-Feb-14 07:37:10

I see DSis is waiting in the buggy for us to go out. Do not worry, mother, I shall get my shoes on speedily without a fuss because I wouldn't want my sister to be waiting there for too long.

tumbletumble Wed 26-Feb-14 06:43:03

You're right Mummy, it's better if important items are left where they belong. I certainly wouldn't dream of putting your mobile in the washing machine. Or the home phone in the microwave. Or your purse in the kitchen bin. Or your credit card in my toy box...

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 26-Feb-14 00:21:17

Actually, could you do this task for me? It'll be so much faster that way.

I expect dinner will be delicious. I'll save these crackers for afterwards so as not to ruin my appetite.

Patchouli Tue 25-Feb-14 21:40:24

Daddy do it

I'd best not stamp in that- these aren't my Wellies

Could you put my hat back on please

Kasterborous Tue 25-Feb-14 21:08:14

'Yes you can finish making your cup of tea before you read me this book, I don't need you to read it RIGHT NOW'

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