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What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

(268 Posts)
makemineamalibuandpineapple Wed 14-Aug-13 22:34:01

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

TinyDiamond Wed 14-Aug-13 23:09:46

I suppose I better add one but I don't have one so here's one that I said to a bloke who tells me it was the funniest thing a girl ever said to him.

it was in my younger days, I think I was 19, living in Camden, partying all the time. I was working in a music venue and had accidentally started sleeping with my manager. It was all very lighthearted but it was HOT. It was on and off for a couple of years and generally involved us heading home together when the sun came up after finishing at 4am and drinking until 6.

One time, at my place, it was Sunday morning and a friend had just text to say let's meet for brunch and she'd be there in 5. We'd just finished some pretty epic shagging and worried my friend would catch us I apparently looked at my watch and said "you may as well fuck off now"

Who the hell WAS I?

KinNora Wed 14-Aug-13 23:10:40

'Drink from my fountain' - bloody hell, I'm crying.

I was seeing a man earlier this year who was in the habit of saying 'clever girl !' when I came.

FrankSpenser Wed 14-Aug-13 23:13:49

I remember a guy who thought he was the shnizzle, tell me in between ickle pecks on the lips how the had strength, peck, stamina, peck...then lasted all of a minute.

Bizarrely, as it was during a holiday fling (back in the days of my younger yoof) I had a picture taken with stamina stan almost immediately afterwards. His face: beaming. My face: like thunder.

omaoma Wed 14-Aug-13 23:14:28

[with heartfelt look]'Thank you.' and then 'I'm not sure what we do now - I've never had a one night stand before'...

er, I hadn't realised that was only going to be a one night stand, man-i-thought-would-be-the-love-of-my-life angry

FrankSpenser Wed 14-Aug-13 23:15:28

Can't stop giggling at Fountain! !

tallwivglasses Wed 14-Aug-13 23:19:32

"So what's the plan - are we going round to Jackie's?"


Thisvehicleisreversing Wed 14-Aug-13 23:26:13

"ooh here we go" every time he came. Like me he was only 16 yet he sounded like an old man grin

Or "you are pilling it aren't you?" The most gorgeous lad in the pub who every girl fancied. Yet he came after about 20 seconds and still thought he was god's gift. Most dissapointing.

Ninehoursahead Wed 14-Aug-13 23:26:24

When I first got with DH, he worked in catering so worked long unsociable hours and we hardly ever saw each other. We managed to get a Saturday afternoon together, so spent it in bed, eating, snoozing and having sex. We had one last session before he had to dash off and then he got out of bed and said "thanks, that was nice"

Apparently he meant the whole afternoon, not the hot sex we'd just had! hmm

IneedAyoniNickname Wed 14-Aug-13 23:28:30

The first guy I slept with after ex and I split, so 2nd guy ever, said
"bet you've never had a Dick that big before have you? " that's the best sex you've ever had isn't it?"
He kept on in a similar vein for about half an hour. To my shame I did keep seeing him for a while blush In my defence I was still hurting from the breakup, vulnerable and lacking in confidence. He was the first guy to pay me attention.

Incidentally, the sex was shit and he was no bigger than average.

maras2 Wed 14-Aug-13 23:28:37

I'm gonna give DH a BJ tonight and make him say 'Drink from my fountain' just to see how close to biting his knob off I get.

AdmiralCLingus Wed 14-Aug-13 23:29:06

"that'll do donkey! that'll do!"

Yes said in the shrek voice.

And, yes, I'm still with this man... blush

maras2 Wed 14-Aug-13 23:30:51

Purely for research.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 14-Aug-13 23:31:57

shock @ admiral!! he called you a donkey?

CrazyHamsterdisguisedasatree Wed 14-Aug-13 23:37:46

An ex always used to say 'Good Girl' !

Ermm gee thanks do I get a fucking gold star <wonders off mumbling>

TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff Wed 14-Aug-13 23:37:57

'This is how I feel when Chelsea scores a goal.'

Um. hmm

So sex is just a football match then?

ExH once complained that second helpings (because first time lasted all of 30 seconds, he never got much better) was 'like fucking a yoghurt pot!' shock angry Better than fucking a complete dickhead like him.

SouthernComforts Wed 14-Aug-13 23:50:40

The ONS who got up, mid shag, to feed the baby he conveniently forgot to mention.

(We'd met on a night out and he lived with his parents who were babysitting)


SneakyNuts Thu 15-Aug-13 00:01:50

"I do not believe a BABY came out of THERE"

Straight after, pointing at my vagine in an almost accusing manner.

Sunnysummer Thu 15-Aug-13 00:24:48

We lived next door to a couple who were fairly noisy... But the worst bit was that on completion he would shout 'MY SEED'.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 15-Aug-13 00:36:23

An ex from half my lifetime ago...not after, but before..'I'm as randy as a ram, I am'.... hmm He was MASSIVE in that department..i couldn't handle it (quite literally!) so he didn't last long. Burst every condom within seconds. Oh and 'during'.. 'you're not leaving this room till i give you an orgasm' hmm (yep, nothing like pressure!) He was only my 2nd..and 20 yrs older. I've since compared notes with someone he's DTD with in recent years.. she couldn't 'handle' him either and said he used to pace the room before sex, puffing and grunting! shock Oh and he broke her rib during. He's now a sex therapist who looks like ET!! grin

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 15-Aug-13 00:37:15

and he is still positively rampant. He'll be bending her over the zimmer frame when they're 100, I'm sure..

Mynewmoniker Thu 15-Aug-13 00:39:18

My friend's ex-husband always used to end with "Take THAT!"

(Oops! No I wasn't sleeping with friend told me blush)

She said it was OK 'cos she always pretended he was Gary Barlow anyway. grin

Iamnormalish Thu 15-Aug-13 00:41:36

OMFG!!! Some of these are hilarious and damn awful.

None of my own to report however I have a mate who told me one bloke she was seeing for a while always used to call out" Yee Haar, hole in one" everytime he came.

Apparently it was an in joke with her friends at the time (I met her years later) but if they were in the oub and he was also there instead of saying hi they all used to day "Yee Haar". She said she does not think he put tow and two together and realised they were all taking the piss out of him.

IneedAyoniNickname Thu 15-Aug-13 00:44:08

Sneaky that reminds me of another gem from the guy I mentioned up thread.
The first time he saw my naked norks he said "wow,.I can tell you've never breastfed"
I was confused as i fed ds1 for 20months, stopped when I was 3 months pg.
Then I fed ds2 for 3 years

TheMagicToyshop Thu 15-Aug-13 00:49:36

Wow some of these are impressive.

Mine would definitely be 'um... where's the condom gone?'

I imagine you can guess the answer blush

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