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What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

(268 Posts)
makemineamalibuandpineapple Wed 14-Aug-13 22:34:01

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

Dontlookbehindyou Sat 17-Aug-13 21:27:46

No fair mumsnet! Putting the admittedly brill thread into classics means my admittance of slut tendencies won't be deleted in 90days! blush

BoffinMum Sat 17-Aug-13 23:27:42

Yikes, not classics, please!

ZingWantsCake Sun 18-Aug-13 01:17:43


I'd thought this might happen, so was very careful with my posting! wink

time for a NC? grin

SybilRamkin Sun 18-Aug-13 19:24:27

Not after sex, but during sex DH and I somehow managed to develop the hiccups simultaneously. You can't imagine how hilarious it is to hear "oh...hic...yes, ugh...hic..." etc. We had to stop in the end because we couldn't stop pissing ourselves laughing.

SisterMonicaJoan Sun 18-Aug-13 20:52:58

With an ex-p. Half way through sex, without stopping he said "did you hear that Joe Strummer is dead".

He was pretty rubbish in bed anyway (had watched too much porn) but at least that time I managed to catch up on what was in news hmm

flummoxedlummox Mon 19-Aug-13 01:10:42

poster SisterMonicaJoan at least that time I managed to catch up on what was in the news for some reason that made me think of Reggie Bosanquet and the ten o'cock bongs.

flummoxedlummox Mon 19-Aug-13 01:17:26

ffs o'clock, freudian slip. Actually could you imagine a different headline every few seconds and the a "and finally". grin

Dontlookbehindyou Mon 19-Aug-13 07:06:40

zing I only just name changed after venturing too close to aibu I'll just stay with it lol

SisterMonicaJoan Mon 19-Aug-13 15:40:53

o'cock grin freudian slip indeed!!

Tbh, he could have read out the shipping forecast as well, boring as it was!

PedantMarina Mon 19-Aug-13 16:18:21

OK, who's going to be the first of us to namechange to "DrinkFromMyFountain"?....

NachoAddict Mon 19-Aug-13 20:31:56

I have to admit that I was mega disappointed that after my fellatio efforts last night dp failed to say drink from my fountain.

That was the only reason I bothered!

DIddled Wed 28-Aug-13 22:07:26

Please think up some more, I need cheering up!!! 'Dance for me' has particularly amused me!!!

MamaMary Wed 28-Aug-13 22:36:43

Love the 'surprise' of the tiger mask grin

Kendodd Wed 28-Aug-13 23:40:50

H once leaned over and threw up straight afterwards.

A friend of mine, about 25 years ago, had crabs, he was meeting this bloke he really liked, brought him home for sex and told me he had handed this poor man a bottle of lotion straight afterwards with the advice "rub it on all over, leave it on for 24 hours and you should be ok". So he said anyway.

TwoStepsBeyond Thu 29-Aug-13 10:38:08

Nacho, I asked DP to say "drink from my fountain" the other night, we both ended up in fits of giggles, but he couldn't bring himself to say it! One day...

BogStandardOldWoman Thu 29-Aug-13 15:55:18

'Yes! Squeeze my balls!' Squeeze?!

moanymandy Thu 29-Aug-13 16:08:49

I was once giving now dh a bj, just at the crucial moment as he came I gagged and puked in my mouth! shock I had to run to the bathroom!
dh was a little wtf but we had a good laugh about it! we have been together too long to worry about things like thay!grin

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 04:30:37

'Drink from my fountain!' Holy cow! That's the best/worst!

Nothing too bad after, but one BF, the first time we slept together, he was going down there and said 'Eyes down for a full house'! Luckily I didn't hear/register it, but he later confessed, in absolute shame and disgust at himself, that he'd said it. One of those weird moments of awkwardness where your mouth takes on a mind of its own!

ForwardSheCried Sat 26-Oct-13 05:46:17

One bloke I went out with, years before I met my fiance, used to scream ''ORGASM!!!!'' at me at regular intervals when we were at it. This was not a good way of getting me there on command, or at all, really.

Needless to say, that relationship didn't last long at all.

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 15:42:33

Loving reading through all these. Have just remembered my own classic. I was 18 & had just DTD for the first time. He finished & I actually said 'was that it?' ROFL! We were together for 9 years & it never got any better either!

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 15:48:24

Oh, and another one. Same ex said, after the 3rd or 4th time, 'That was better, I actually imagined I was doing it with you that time.'


ilovemybum Thu 31-Oct-13 23:47:49

Not me but my best mate.

She had liked this older man for ages and they were always flirting with each other. This went on for years until she finally got the opportunity to take him home. They were DTD and he proudly says 'my penis is in you right now' grin she never looked at him in the same way!

Anothermrssmith Fri 01-Nov-13 20:25:40

I have literally just choked with laughter! Actually a bit gutted I have nothing to add (though did once get 'condoms still up there' but that's nothing compared to some of these!)

Stellarpunk Sat 02-Nov-13 19:25:58

I was told this one by an old boss who ran a pub who was renowned for his practical jokes.

One night whilst him and his long married DW was in bed he started scratching himself before loudly proclaiming 'Gladys! Gladys! I think I've got crabs'. Before she could utter a word, she found a (thankfully) dead crab sailing towards her.

Made me laugh. She was a good sport.

LittleAprilShowers Sun 10-Nov-13 20:42:55

Not after sex but regarding sex.

A few weeks ago I went down to the living room in the morning with DD, and switched TV on. babestation had been on (weird channel where naked women thrust at the camera while apparently speaking on the phone to dirty pervs). DH sometimes watches it on a night time, which I don't really mind as it means he isn't bothering me for sex lol and I have been known to like alone time too.

However on this occasion I asked him to change the channel before he came up to bed as I don't want DD seeing it in the morning.

We talked about it for a bit and he said he doesn't really wank to it but he likes to "watch it so he can get in a horny mood before he comes to have sex with me". His face dropped when he realised what he said, apparently he didn't mean it like that he just worded it wrong.

Twat is still paying for this mistake.

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