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fecking animals are driving me nuts and i am going to kill them all

(219 Posts)
TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 08:39:12

cat. In and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and food food food food food.

BigDog. Follow cat and breathe and pant and herd and pant and bark and herd and breathe and bark.

SmallDog. When not shagging the cat wilk not leave BigDog alone. Nose up arse and lick and lick and yap and yap snd lick snd sniff and luck and sniff.

All. The. Fucking. Time. Round. And. Round. And. Round. In. Circles.

I no longer love them. In fact I hate them all.

FeckOffCup Sun 07-Apr-13 16:59:06

Oh I was planning to do the sneaking round behind him and locking the catflap thing next time big stinky tomcat from next door comes in and bullies my cat so I can corner him to admininster a beating soaking but after poppets post maybe not.

Poppetspinkpants Mon 01-Apr-13 18:05:44

In our old house we had a visiting ginger tom that used to come in and bully our cats.
I was getting more and more wound up.Eventually he came through the cat flap one day while I was home,sauntered into the lounge, and I snuck in and locked the cat flap.
Grabbed orange juice and filled the soaker with it.

So I ran up to the tom, shouting and waving the hairbrush,intending to corner him at the (locked) flap for a soaking.
Or that was the intention.
Cat streaked to the door and took the entire catflap and fitting out. He managed a 90°turn and shot down the garden, still wearing the catflap.
Cost me £12 to replace the flap.

SecretLindtBunny Mon 01-Apr-13 13:53:01

Mine forced me to go to bed for half an hour about an hour ago. He wanted to lie on my back purring and drooling.

Like an idiot I complied. Why the hell did I do it? He's a cat!

2kidsintow Mon 01-Apr-13 13:45:49

Senile cat's main misdemeanors include

Jumping on our faces as a kitten to wake us up to play - ceased doing it after was once catapulted off the bed accidentally when trying that particular trick.

Drinking out of the toilet.

Costing us a fortune in blood tests, tablets and treats within which to hide said tablets to medicate his overactive thyroid.

Refusing to go outside now it isn't balmy and warm.,

Refusing to use the litter tray if it is places anywhere other than the hallway - where every visitor can smell see it when they come in.

Mind you - not going out means he can no longer bring in parts of mice for me to tread on in my bare feet - or live mice that run up my trouser leg when I kneel down to try and humanely catch them and release them.


Poppetspinkpants Sun 31-Mar-13 21:59:16

On the subject of hamsters
my nan bought me a pair of gloves for Xmas and I foolishly left them on top of Hammy's cage.
Got up next morning and absently noticed that hamster bedding was the same colour as the gloves.
Thirty seconds later The light dawned...

Poppetspinkpants Sun 31-Mar-13 21:53:33

We were selling our house a few years back. Estate agent had the back door key and was due to show a buyer round while we were away for the night.
Arrived back the next morning to a large pile of cat sick just in front of the door.

OhChristHasRisenFENTON Thu 28-Mar-13 18:20:58

'tis true greenhill, - every time I empty the vacuum there's enough fur/hair in there to stuff a life-sized model of my dog.

greenhill Thu 28-Mar-13 18:18:44

I could knit a new cat with the amount of long black hair my cat moults daily.

brickiemum Thu 28-Mar-13 15:26:46

Oldgitcat...suddenly develops ninja like skills at 5am every morning as he creeps into my bedroom, up on to my bed, purring all the time in a reassuring fashion. Then POW, claws go into the scalp of a sleeping brickiemum who can now be found swinging from the lampshade. Bastard.

Stupiddog....quivers with excitement if we so much as glance at our shoes. He's bloody huge and sits on the sofa next to you with his nose on yours peering into your eyes. No sense of personal space that dog. Came home last night with a cut paw pad and bounded about the whole house splatteting blood on everything. Shits his own body weight daily in tiny balls whilst continuing to shuffle along and spread it out. Sheds small ninja like white hairs that cannot physically be removed from jumpers. NASA needs to know about the sticking power of these babies, it'll revolutionalise space travel or something for sure....

PacificDogwood Thu 28-Mar-13 10:31:20

Oh gawd, I've killed a classic thread shockblush

<<attempts resuscitation>>

PacificDogwood Wed 27-Mar-13 21:53:42 Link fail due to wheezing

PacificDogwood Wed 27-Mar-13 21:53:06

]] Is this your BastardCat??]]


I am crying and weeing myself with laughter at this thread!!
'good tight'
'eats cat shit vomit'

kiwigirl42 Wed 27-Mar-13 21:18:43

fat choc lab discovered a long dead fish one day when I 'd taken DS and his two cousins for a walk round the lake and appeared with fish guts draped all over her. The smell was gangrenous. Drove home retching out the window with kids squealing while dog sat proudly in middle of back seat wrapped in newspaper.
Had to bath her 3 times to get rid of smell - once outside, once in DH's shower with tomato sauce (supposed to work for skunks and boy, this can't have been far off) and once in full bath. She still ponged for wks.

dirty, dirty fecker.

WildThong Wed 27-Mar-13 20:58:36

My dsis had a great dog, Roy. Bastard kept biting me.
One day he ate my tights. Ha ha did he have a sore bum, looked like biscuit
She had to pull from one end..
Didn't even ladder, good tights.

scratchandsniff Wed 27-Mar-13 20:48:19

Actually who am I kidding, I did bloody cry, anyone would have. Seriously debated getting in my car and going home and pretending I hadn't seen it. Thought better of it as would have been a 'shit' end to parents weekend away.

Ohhhh god, scratchandsniff - that sounds vile! envy<- boak face!

scratchandsniff Wed 27-Mar-13 17:39:40

I was dog sitting for my parents a few years ago. Took the two dogs for a lovely long walk and the fuckers decided to do their usual trick of running off. I swear they communicate telepathically "quick she's not looking 1, 2, 3, gooooooo". After searching through the undergrowth and sliding down a steep bank on my arse I found them tucking into a rotting deer carcass, big dog also had a roll in it, dead things and other animal shite seems to be like Chanel perfume to her. I got them home and a few hours later fed them and let them out for wee/poo. I was out that night and didn't get home until late and went straight to bed. I got up early to let them out. Well when I opened that kitchen door the stench hit me first then I took in the scene, it looked like someone had gone nuts with a bottle of Daddies sauce. Doggy diarrhoea everywhere. It's a large kitchen. I was retching and trying hard not to cry. I had to put Vicks under my nose to cope with it and carrier bags wrapped round my hands as I couldn't find gloves. The most disgusting thing I've ever had to do. Safe to say rotting deer didn't agree with their delicate stomachs. I couldn't be angry as they must have poorly. Good job I love the smelly things, the dogs that is.

soontobeslendergirl Wed 27-Mar-13 17:14:03

it's called Sureflap if you want a google - not cheap, but complete peace of mind - now if they could invent one that stopped her bringing in other assorted dead and live animals then I'd be first in the queue.

QuackQuackChicken Wed 27-Mar-13 16:39:27

That's an exciting cat flap soontobe. DH has always resisted chipping them so far but you never know! Maybe this will be the catalyst grin

soontobeslendergirl Wed 27-Mar-13 15:58:01

For those with intruder cats....we have a catflap that operates with the cat's microchip - no intuders smile Lots of big cat faces pressed up at the door though - 'tis quite amusing as obviously they can't read and don't know what kind of flap it is grin

Abby - I once went to pick up what I thought was the back end of a mouse - the tail was hanging down behind the radiator in the hall. I was a bit confused as to how the cats had actually managed to stuff a mouse's hindquarters up the radiator, but even so, it was a bit of a surprise when I touched the tail, and it moved!!

I went and sat on the dining table (in case it came after me, and could jump), and thought about what to do for a while, and then got the kitchen tongs and used them to extract the mouse, which I dumped into an empty waste paper basket. Then, in case the mouse could not only jump but was freakishly strong too, I put a tray on top of the bin, with a dictionary to weigh it down - and left it in the middle of the hall for dh to deal with when he came home!

abbyfromoz Wed 27-Mar-13 15:00:12

Me- 11 years old
Aunts house
Picture the scene-
Beloved Mooks
<s>tortured <\s> adored by all my cousins
In slinks Mookie
"What's that I see Mookie? Hey Mookie Moo? What's that in your mouth? A bit of wool..string maybe... Will just give it a tug... Don't worry mookie just getting the wool out of your- OH MY GOD IT'S A MOUSE!"
Queue screaming....

abbyfromoz Wed 27-Mar-13 14:52:41

'What's that in your mouth Mookie? Hey Mookie Mooks! Silly moo! You have some woo

QuackQuackChicken Wed 27-Mar-13 14:10:26

We've been trying that with intruder cat but it's just too quick! At the moment, we're picking up the bowls so there's nothing left lying around but it's tricky because we don't always remember and when we do remember, results in more moaning from cat1 and cat2!

FeckOffCup Wed 27-Mar-13 13:42:07

I've just been to the pound shop and bought one of those water bottle squirters in case I find next door cat making itself at home again.

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