Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving(717 Posts)
I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.
Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.
My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.
I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.
I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.
This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.
So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.
I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.
You are going to be absolutely fine. You won't know yourself when you've thrown all the crap out. Do keep coming back and let us know how you're getting on.
Once you have sorted it, I know you will keep on top of things. I am struggling with low-level depression, so nowhere near as bad as what you have been through. The one thing that helps me is keeping the house very tidy and relatively clean. It will make a huge difference to you and the feeling of achievement, knowing you have taken steps to tackle it, will be immense.
This is when MN is at it's best.
So glad you posted op and didn't just walk out.
I have nothing to add that hasn't been said already but take up the offers of help - i am too far away sadly or would come and pitch in.
All is not lost and today is the first day of the rest of your life
I have suffered from depression off and on for years so I have some idea of how you feel. Well done for recognising that your home needs sorting out. As everyone else has said do a bit at a time, dont beat yourself up. Your hubby may not be able to help you in practical ways but can he not support you emotionally, or is he depressed too ? Maybe you need different medication?
Im sure your hubby loves you . You can get through this together. If I lived nearer I would come and help you, Im great with a bottle of bleach! lol.
Clean up some of the kitchen maybe the microwave, sink and fridge. Then go spend those argos vouchers on kitchen stuff. Maybe have a meal out as a reward. Good luck and keep us posted.
I'm so glad there's someone close by who can help. There are reasons why it's got so bad and you need compassion and support to deal with the underlying reasons, not condemnation by anyone, most of all yourself. Please, please, please be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness.
Could you think about doing one little job for 15 mins at a time and then going out into the living room for a drink of water? Just opening a bin bag would be a huge start.
Flylady really helped me out too like movinggal when I was overwhelmed. There are so many people who have been in a similar position.
Coming on here instead of leaving = absolutely amazing.
Crying reading this, and I have never even been close to crying on mumsnet.
Seriously, people can be so lovely, can't they?
You'll be alright donewiththis, you will. Xxxx
Ikea is dead cheap for replacement stuff.
Whole dinner sets for under £20 and cheap bathroom and kitchen utensils.
Just get loads of bin bags.
Bin the lot.
Lots of bleach diluted with water.
Lots of J cloths you can throw away.
Some marigold gloves to protect your hands.
Damp dust surfaces with dilute bleach.
Mop and bucket for floors.
Get a replacement for the microwave - very cheap now for a basic one.
Turn fridge freezer off to defrost and clean it. With bleach.
Wipe all inside windows with vinegar and newspaper...really really works.
Bicarb is also good for fridges.
Get the radio on and dance as you clean!
Good luck x
I am feeling a bit more positive thanks to your lovely posts and offers of help that I have received. I think I may be able to do this and I reckon that if I can get it sorted once then I can keep it sorted. I just looked at it this morning and thought "oh my god" and felt myself plunging back into total despair over the whole thing.
I want to sort it. I want to move out of this damp hell hole and move on with life. I used to enjoy cooking. I'd give anything to be able to eat my home made shepherds pie again. I have some bin bags. I am going to fill a couple now!
Well done op! And don't get sucked into mm, but do come back in an hour or so to let us know how you've done
Right, must take own advice...
Oh you poor love! Let laurie help you, she has a kind heart!
I wish I was near too (and not ill), I am not scared of grime at all.
Now is the time to use your argos vouchers and reclaim your kitchen!
Well there you go, motivation! Clean the kitchen and reward yourself with that shepherds pie!
Do you have a local laundrette that does service washes? Could you sort out a bag or two of washing and pay them to wash and dry it.
You have come so far just by posting. I agree with others that the clutter is probably bringing your mood down further and clearing it will help.
If you do nothing else today, get a carrier bag, put that old chicken casserole (in the pot) in it and chuck it in the outside bin. Its clearly really bothering you and you will feel so much better when it is gone.
I have suffered from depression, and the thing that made it worse was when my home was in chaos.
I now pay a cleaner £120 a month to keep it sparkly, and because she comes every week I keep it really tidy. I consider it an investment in my mental health, and in my marriage because we are all so much happier!
Laurie you are lovely to offer, I can feel your keenness to get stuck in coming through the screen
Ah you poor woman. You have been suffering from depression which sucks you into your own little hole and often leads to shutting out the rest.
I am so everyone has told you to stay and you can do this because you can
Admitting the problem (as they say)is the first step.
Remember a New Year is coming up and we can all support you to make it the best one yet!
Take a couple of photos before you start. You will get to the point where you feel you haven't done anything constructive but if you look at the photos you can see how far you have come on.
Donewith you are amazingly strong. It takes a brave person to admit they need help let alone get up and do something about it. Good luck.
for you laurie you are very kind.
Yay for Laurie helping.
Well done OP for posting.
You can do this! And what a courageous person you are to come on an internet forum full of strangers and admit you're out of your depth. You're fighting anxiety and depression which is an illness that can make small tasks incredibly overwhelming.
Just a word of advice from personal experience: write a checklist of what you want to achieve and give yourself a time frame. Start off small or you may end up overwhelmed, and disheartened and back at square one.
So, for example, 1pm-2pm - clear area between cooker and fridge into bin bags. Then fifteen mins MNing or catching a show on tv.
You will get past this. All the best.
Just wanted to offer my support too.
I suffer from ostrich syndrome too sometimes and it can be a relief to be proactive when you pull your head out of the sand.
I hope you let LauriesFairy help you op.
And I really hope you get sorted. WITH your DP. You clearly love him.
I have been in a similar situation before and you CAN do it. As said above, admitting it is a good first step.
Feel free to PM me. I'm happy to tell you how it was for me.
one bin liner at a time.
You can do this.
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