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Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

(720 Posts)
DoneWithItAllNow Thu 13-Dec-12 11:38:40

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

WhoremoaneeGrainger Thu 13-Dec-12 11:46:14

Please don't leave a man you obviously love so very much. The fact that you are prepared to leave so he can get some help shows your love. You need to tell him how you feel, and say you're sorry if you want to. But dont walk out on him. Nothing is insurmountable. Just take things a little bit at a time. Clean the inside of the microwave today. Tomorrow wash some pots up. Saturday empty and clean the inside of your fridge. Small steps, a little bit at a time.

Seeing it is a shock, and you sound angry at yourself. Dont be. Circumstances can get on top of us all at some time.

Have to run as working, but didnt want to leave your post unanswered.

aprilrain Thu 13-Dec-12 11:46:31

DoneWith, I am so sorry things are this hard for you at the moment. You are not to blame for this. Many have gone down the same path under difficult circumstances.

I seriously doubt your husband would be better off without you

You need real, practical help. What about the council?

Does your husband know you're planning to leave?

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake Thu 13-Dec-12 11:46:39

You don't need 'judgement' you need congratulating on working extremely hard to get mentally well smile

So, CONGRATULATIONS ! What you are doing is the most important thing.

Everything else is just incidental, it's just practicalities. When you feel well enough you can start small - with a bin bag that you start to throw stuff away in. If you live within an hour of me in Hertfordshire I would relish coming round to clean your microwave and kitchen so if you do PM me.

In the meantime (until you feel well enough- is there no friend you can call on to help?) keep going out, try very hard not to beat yourself up for the mess - it's only a symptom of how much distress you have been in and how well you have done to start recovery.


aprilrain Thu 13-Dec-12 11:49:21

Doing one small job a day is a great idea.

Or how about hiring a mini skip and chucking the unwashed pots out along with any other rubbish and clutter you can get rid of. As you're not using them you won't miss them. You can replace them as and when.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 13-Dec-12 11:49:57

Call Social Services.

Honestly, they can help you. They will carry out an assessment, send a cleaner, get help with cooking if you need it.

Once you've got it tidy, you'll probably need to go to the CAB. Tell them about the roof. It doesn't sound like your house is structurally sound, so they'll write to your landlord. They can also help you find somewhere else to live, if you do want to move. Otherwise, they'll make sure your landlord fixes it correctly, and in the right time scales.

Don't leave your husband. You clearly love him. He'll miss you, and no amount of other people helping him will make up for losing you.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Thu 13-Dec-12 11:51:59

Please dont leave. Many people have been in your situation and you have to start small to tackle the house.

If you live near Bucks I will come and help you - Im sure others will also pitch in. This can be fixed - you need help my lovely.

chrismissymoomoomee Thu 13-Dec-12 11:52:07

You have opened your eyes now and have taken steps to help yourself, you are doing brilliantly.

Where in the country are you, we can get googling to see what sort of services are in your area.

Could adult social services help you? (I don't know the nature of your husbands disability is so sorry if thats offensive)

Is there anyone in RL you can confide in?

FivesGoldNorks Thu 13-Dec-12 11:53:49

How has it got so bad (not a judgement, a genuine question). Is it down to your depression or was the flat uninhabitable when you moved in?
What does your Dh do to help?
Please do not leave and do NOT do anything drastic. I assume you do not have children?
I'm sorry I know this is hard. Grab a skip and just chuck everything. Do you literally have no friends. They will help and will not judge if you tell them how close to a breakdown you are, living in the conditions you do.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Thu 13-Dec-12 11:54:50

Instead of packing a bag roll up your sleeves, get into that kitchen and sort it out. You can do it. If you have a car, fill it with bin bags of rubbish and drive them to the tip. If no car, fill the binbags anyway and line them up outside next to your bin.
Just throw everything. Don't try scubbing it.
Once the room is empty use shit loads of cleaning chemicals everywhere until it is clean.
You are only a day it so away from it being absolutely 100% rectified. Don't give up smile

DoneWithItAllNow Thu 13-Dec-12 11:57:12

Now I'm sat here in floods of tears at all your kind words. I am in Bucks. My husband is severely partially sighted but he works and we don't receive any help. I work too - if you met me on the street you would probably think I seem so normal sad

I just don't know where to start at the moment. Christmas is going to be shit this year. I can't even cook a dinner and everybody is away this year so I have nobody we can go to.

There doesn't seem to be a way of fixing this anymore.

milk Thu 13-Dec-12 11:57:22

DoneWithItAllNow - Please stay on this thread and chat with us!

WinklyVersusTheZombies Thu 13-Dec-12 11:58:55

You can do this. Binbags and dettol. The whole damn lot, out. Plates and all. You can buy a 12 piece set in Argos for £4.50. Once the kitchen is clear, reassess and come back to us.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie Thu 13-Dec-12 11:59:43

Bin the lot, including the dishes. If you have the get up and go to pack and leave you have the energy to get the kitchen sorted.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Thu 13-Dec-12 12:00:55

I swear you can do this. Can you go to the shop and buy bin liners? 24hrs and you can turn this around.

missmartha Thu 13-Dec-12 12:01:05

I agree, don't clean stuff in the kitchen, chuck it. I assume you have black bags. Fling the whole lot away. It's just rubbish now, you need to start afresh.

You don't need to do it all at once, but if you have the energy to pack a bag, you have the energy to fill a rubbish bag with kitchen crap.

Don't quit, get in there and start to get a handle on it.

Ringing Social Services would be good too.

FivesGoldNorks Thu 13-Dec-12 12:01:24

right so money not a huge issue?
Plan a meal out for Christmas. Even just the local pub.
And seriously, hire a skip or load up your car with crap. It seems a huge unsurmountable job but stick the radio on, get yourself a coffee and make a start. See how much you can get done in an hour. Then take stuff to tip if car full and reward yourself with a slice of cake. Just get it done! Any dithering over "should I keep..." - get rid!

DoneWithItAllNow Thu 13-Dec-12 12:01:33

I don't know how it got so bad - it wasn't like this when we moved in. I used to have a lovely home. I think one day when I was feeling really bad I just thought "I'll leave doing the kitchen until tomorrow." then 'tomorrow' just never happened. The same with everything else blush

My DH would help but from a practical round the house point of view he is quite limited in what he is capable of.

I can't get a skip as the management company wouldn't let me have one in the carpark. If I could have one and I could afford it I would probably just throw everything in this flat in it abd start again.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie Thu 13-Dec-12 12:01:58

And when your kitchen is done, make sure you only replace with small sets to prevent getting overwhelmed again.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake Thu 13-Dec-12 12:04:02

If you're in Bucks and I'm in West Herts then I really will come round and help you. I have one appointment tomorrow which finishes at 10.30 and have cock all else to do.

Seriously, PM me - there is nothing in your house that I haven't seen before and if you want to check out my posting history I've been here since 2006 and I promise I'm not a serial killer grin but am eminently practical and have a stockpile of cleaning products and bin bags.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Thu 13-Dec-12 12:04:06

Bin it all, even if you have to use a pound packet of paper plates until you can start getting new stuff it doesn't matter. It may feel refreshing to throw it all away too. Well done on getting yourself onto the road of recovery, don't leave, you can do this grin Look at it one thing at a time & it will get done & you will be so very proud of yourself.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Thu 13-Dec-12 12:04:49

One step at the time
1) Book Xmas lunch in a nice pub so you don't have to worry about that.
2) Buy some black bags, rubber gloves, disinfectant etc.
3) Pick one thing to clear e.g. draining board
4) Check if there is anything on the draining board that matters to you and put it to one side
5)Chuck the rest into a black bag.
6)Put the black bag in the outside bin
7) Give yourself a huge pat on the back for making a start.

peasabovesticks Thu 13-Dec-12 12:06:04

I also think you should phone Social Services.
Do you have children?

Bullincathkidston Thu 13-Dec-12 12:06:18

A bin bag at a time fill one today. You home now? Got some?

Awwww love x

FivesGoldNorks Thu 13-Dec-12 12:06:48

does your idiot landlord not do inspections?
You had a lovely home once, you can again.

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