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Care to join me in my "Great TV shows they should make, but won't" thread? I'll start.

(218 Posts)
lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 15:28:34

"Escape to Cakes in the Attic".

<property porn - tick: baking - tick; antiques - tick>

TalcAndTurnips Mon 12-Nov-12 19:14:38

Smelly - why oh why does the hammer have to be made of foam?

I'd much prefer to see repeated, forceful use of a meat tenderiser.

Peace and love, man thanks

SmellyFartado Mon 12-Nov-12 19:17:04

I did think of that - perhaps there could be a late night version with a selection of hammers and mallets.

Sorry Eammon, blush your gaffes and jokes amuse me really.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 12-Nov-12 19:21:06

Celebrity Chef Come Dine With Me. Does what it says in the title.

999: What's your leggings emergency? A crack team of fashion police answer 999 calls from the public who spot women wearing see-through leggings with not much else on. The FP then swoop in, advise the leggings wearer then force them into an arse and camel toe coverer.

TalcAndTurnips Mon 12-Nov-12 21:38:28

Glandstand - explicit all-nude version of the popular Saturday afternoon sports programme. Parental advisory - contains scenes of naked horses racing and Gary Lineker.

In The Fight Garden - Cute fluffy characters, with a penchant for farting, knock ten bells of shit out of each other in a leafy wood somewhere for the enjoyment of kiddies. First rule of Fight Garden is you do not talk about Fight Garden.

SmellyFartado Tue 13-Nov-12 12:43:52

Tanorama - a topical show debating how orange can one really go. Caution - visors or welding masks may be required for viewing episodes featuring our favourite Klaxon one.

TalcAndTurnips Tue 13-Nov-12 15:05:25

One Is Royal - Get One Ite Of Hyar - A full-scale replica of Buck Pal is built in the Amazonian Rain Forest. The entire royal family, including hangers-on, is incarcerated there for the duration, with full staff and facilities.
Week Three: HM finally realises that she is not in London any more. Phil is sent out to have a 'sensitive' chat with the local Yawalapiti people - and is lucky to escape with his life. The Duchess of Cornwall is selected by viewers for the Bush Tucker trial; she has to eat game terrine and smoked trout that has not come from Fortnum's.

Hairstyles of the Rich and Famous - A fascinating look at some of the more ridiculous and ill-conceived barnet choices of slebs around the world.
Episode 6: Donald Trump attempts to explain what exactly is going on 'up there' - and why he doesn't think he looks like a twat, when everyone else does.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 13-Nov-12 15:13:54

MTV Crabs - Famous rappers show you their gold-plated crotch nits.

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 15:23:35

Come Be Nude With Me starring Tom Hardy who comes to your house and is naked the whole time. I'd watch that. I'd enter to be on it

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 15:26:41

Alex Reid in Stuck In The Closet

Psammead Tue 13-Nov-12 15:32:36

You crack me up, Talc.

My suggestion is serious

You know that game, Scotland Yard, with the big map of London and searching for the criminal? That, in actual London. Maybe not with actual crims, though. There would be a team of detectives linked up by iPhone or whatever, and a lone criminal.


SilverSixpence Tue 13-Nov-12 15:50:12

I came on to post that they should make Georgette Heyer into a series too! Maybe we can start a Mumsnet petition!

TalcAndTurnips Tue 13-Nov-12 16:08:50

SP - did Alex Reid ever get out of the closet?

I like the Scotland Yard idea, Psamm - definitely real crims, though. Lots of helicopter infra-red cameras - and chaps hiding in wheelie bins and skips etc.

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 16:10:44

Turn in next week to see talc grin

It would be a 6 week half hour slot about Alex been stuck in the closet. People can vote in and decide how many air holes to cover and what to put in the closet with him

TalcAndTurnips Tue 13-Nov-12 16:26:06


At the end of the six week run, Alex discovers that the closet wasn't even locked - he could have just opened the door at any time.

The moment of realisation

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 16:29:17

what he wears when he thinks the camera isn't on

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 16:30:55

Week 2 in the Reid Closet.

Peter Andre is put in the closet with Reid. The closet is so bright due to the glow they both let off it is impossible to see them

CSI: Balamory

PC Plum has to stop dicking about with wildlife after he receives a call about a double homicide.

TheCrackFox Tue 13-Nov-12 16:54:05

Top Gear

James May is parachuted into west side LA and has 48hrs to sell 3 kilos of cocaine. Will he cut it with talc to maximise his profits? Gloria Hunniford does the voice over.

MardyBra Tue 13-Nov-12 17:19:55

I've just found this thread and you had me with the first couple of posts. Shameful place marking to come back to later.

TalcAndTurnips Tue 13-Nov-12 17:35:29

Celebrity Swears - Nine slebs sitting in a 3x3 square box affair, shouting repeated profanities at pensioners for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

NicholasTeakozy Tue 13-Nov-12 17:53:25

Tom's Cruise. A short film about a short man on a boat. Or maybe a tour of the town's public toilets.

Topiary Gear. A show for those who like to sculpt their undergrowth.

TalcAndTurnips Tue 13-Nov-12 18:19:41

Urban Survivor - Professional tramp Ray Mears lives for six months just off the A1081 in the outskirts of Luton, by scraping dead stuff off the tarmac and rummaging through bins.
Episode 4 - Feast Night: Ray is in for a slap-up banquet when he finds two thirds of a badger decomposing in the gutter - which he roasts in a burning lorry tyre and enjoys with a cheeky cup of pond water.

Paris Hilton In Space - Gormless socialite Hilton has the trip of a lifetime when she is blasted into space in a one-man capsule. However, not all goes to plan when she discovers that the craft - funded by her family, friends and fans - is not equipped with any food, water or oxygen. Or any means to return to Earth.

Ready Steady Get out of here

Contestants include Claire Sweeny.

TalcAndTurnips Tue 13-Nov-12 18:31:08

What happens, Bitter? I'm intrigued.

I haven't really thought it through, but it would definitely involve man traps and packs of rabid dogs.

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