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50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

(474 Posts)
TiggyD Fri 29-Jun-12 21:05:56

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

NunOnTheRun Thu 05-Jul-12 19:46:08

"I want you to tie me down for 18 months and treat me like dirt," she said. The man from Vodafone got the contract out... "#IrishShadesOfGrey grin @ Mollydoggerson

all4u Thu 05-Jul-12 20:43:45

I am crying with laughter! wine

MumTumWanted Fri 06-Jul-12 11:55:40

Oh my !

love this thread soo much better than the book .... well done ladies ... keep it coming so to speak oh er

though perhaps the
keeping still so you dont spill it
numerous nights having kinky fuckery in swanky hotels......
random wetness and manfully powerful powerfulness overcoming in elevators
and barefeet and ripped jeans could do with a mention or two as they were in the book ......wink

ThisLittleTeddyBear Fri 06-Jul-12 12:47:30

I got half way through this thread then had to stop reading- peeing yourself laughing is not a good look!

Until now I had no desire to read the book, but I might just go and borrow them (from my mum- yes mum, I do know you have a copy...)

A Bernard is now Boris Johnson in my head I think barefeet and ripped jeans would be replaced with socked feet and ripped y-fronts grin

TheLazyGirlBlog Fri 06-Jul-12 16:26:11

Bev was waiting patiently in the red shed of Kinkery Fuckery weird shit, reflecting on the L-O-N-G drawn out process of waiting for Bernard to come back from his twice daily Greggs Sausage Roll runs, and as her Inner Goddess (who had developed a voice like Rusty Lee) yawned at the tediousness of it all, she couldn't help wonder why he'd picked her? She also concluded that she needed to buy Lipsil, her lip was bloody killing her from all that pseudo suggestive biting. Either that or ask one of her blagging blogger mates to hook her up a sponsorship with a chapstick company.

She ran to her closet and removed the nylon Primarni she was wearing as she heard Bernard back earlier than usual. "Shit! she thought, they must have been out of Sausage rolls", as her backside throbbed with the knowledge of his hand being primed and ready. She felt the wetness in her cheap cotton Bucket Knickers, and rolled her eyes. Or maybe she bit her lip. Either or. Her Inner Goddess winked and laughed as she rustled up a hearty Jerk Chicken.

Imagine her surprise when it was Boris, Bernard's foppish Tory loving brother on one of his bloody bikes, standing in the doorway, catching her bent over in readiness for Bernard's hand on her sex.

"Phwaor, erm, Crickey and cripes" said Boris "Bit of jiggery pokery eh, what ho!" Boris was not possessed of the good looks of his slim hipped buy royally fucked up bro and quite frankly apart from the Tory thing, Bev found his normality pretty boring. I mean, why have vanilla when you can be beaten and taken hard by a slim hipped, chiseled jawed man with more issues than the Greek Economy? Not to mention his ginger love ladder.

Just then Bernard appeared sweaty and with his trousers barely staying at hip height as he had removed his belt ready for fun in the shed.
He sneered at his brother and asked why he was at the house, and Boris simply flipped his foppish hair, mounting his bike with difficulty and rode off into the distance. Bernard saw her then, waiting so patiently, and ripping the Pom Bears from his pocket, he could barely contain his red hot pulsing desire.

To eat his sausage roll whilst watching Gardeners World.

dublindee Fri 06-Jul-12 16:35:11

Oh I loved this thread. Thank you ladies!!!

dublindee Fri 06-Jul-12 16:35:51

And as for the Irish shades of grey grin grin grin

spongebrainfatpants Fri 06-Jul-12 17:38:13

Ha ha ha haaaa!
Ive not read 50 shades of shite but this was excellent!
It's taken me all day to read this thread.

kids are starving

Barristerdirect Fri 06-Jul-12 20:16:04

He came through the door. Stepping over the resulting puddle, he entered the room. "he is so handsome" she thought .... With his jeans hanging off his hip bones. Her inner goddess suppressed the disloyal thought that, in fact, his jeans were straining off his paunch. Her sex suppressed its current bout of cystitis. The goat, which had eaten the paddle and two rolls of duct tape, suppressed a belch.

BoffinMum Sat 07-Jul-12 08:26:51

Ginger love ladder! gringringrin ROFL

Migsy1 Sat 07-Jul-12 18:04:38

"I fancy a bit of crumpet." Beverley said.
Bernard remembered he had a nifty poker that would satisfy the job. He picked up the moist crumpets and pushed the poker right inside. He held them over the burner until they were just right.
Dripping with margarine Beverley and Bernard passionately consumed the hot crumpet. Once satisfied they both fell into a deep sleep.
Unfortunately, they had forgotten to turn off the stove which was warming them gently inside the taught canvas of the love tent.

Migsy1 Sat 07-Jul-12 18:06:27

Oh, I should have made sure I was on the right effing page!

TheLazyGirlBlog Sat 07-Jul-12 19:15:16

I don't know Migsy1 I thought it fitted fine. The book skips from one daft place to another and forgets whole plotlines so no one will notice!

Teansympathy Sun 08-Jul-12 19:27:21

OMG what a brillant thread I must admit I have just bought the book on Amazon the girls at work and everyone seems to be talking about it , some say it is rubbish but others that you just have to keep reading bring it on I say !

necklaceofraindrops Mon 09-Jul-12 20:08:49

I've just finished 50SOG and was very disappointed there was no goat in it! This version is so much better grin

yummytummy Mon 09-Jul-12 21:47:25

oh my. this is the funniest thing i have ever read on here. mumsnet hq could we print it as a book and send it to e.l. james? that would be hilarious, kind of like a fanfic of fanfic?

MrsScotchegg Tue 10-Jul-12 10:21:06

Excellent get it published, i read all of this unlike the third book of Fifty Shades!

TheSpoiler Wed 11-Jul-12 18:39:29

This one is horribly credible.

TheSpoiler Wed 11-Jul-12 20:03:04

Ban this sick filth!

NonAstemia Wed 11-Jul-12 20:54:24

The Spoiler grin grin grin

PigletJohn Thu 12-Jul-12 00:32:58

an illustration!

Aladdinsania Mon 16-Jul-12 01:32:27

this too

6o6o842 Thu 18-Jun-15 13:11:56

Please tell me someone mentioned a penis beaker...

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