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I pooed on my skirt at work today

(379 Posts)
silverbay Thu 29-Mar-12 23:06:39

Namechange

I am not a poo troll.

I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.

Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it. blush

I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.

leftwiththedognow Thu 14-Dec-17 22:56:09

Its December. Fuck off.

JustAnIdiot Thu 14-Dec-17 22:54:54

Perhaps it's shit

grin

imablackstarnotapopstar Tue 12-Dec-17 20:56:57

You what?????

anthonyfantano Tue 12-Dec-17 00:21:34

hey everyone. if you get a chance, check out the new daft punk single, 'get lucky.' its the sound of the summer smile

Sienna333 Fri 29-Sep-17 17:52:35

Howling with laughter here, made me feel better about my own embarrassing experiences. Today, I went back into work thinking I was over the worst of a stomach bug. I was wrong.
Had an official meeting with lots of senior management and felt that familar cramp in my belly. Tried to hold it in but knew it wouldn't work and sharted loudly. I quickly got up mumbling something about being ill and went to the toilet. I removed my knickers but had to keep the trousers on and also felt I needed to excuse myself so I popped my head round the door and said I had to go home. The smell was Satan itself and some of my colleagues were looking at me in real disgust. sad I am hoping I see the funny side soon.

Another one, when I was 14 I had a boyfriend over. I had drank a lot of diet coke and he made me laugh with a joke I told. I laughed so hard I farted! His face was so shocked that I ended up rolling around on the floor farting in time with my laughter!

Yesterday my sister popped round and was laid out on the sofa, foot propped up on the arm rest. She said "So, Sienna, hows the stomach bug? Are you still farting?" And then let out a ripper of a fart herself! She swore blind it wasn't on purpose but was very funny!

fannydaggerz Thu 24-Aug-17 21:29:10

I'm crying with laughter at these.

Mollypolly2610 Thu 17-Aug-17 02:15:12

My worst one ever! I worked in a ME country and was the only "white" woman in the office. Please note I do not want to be called racist in this. I was very ill and had a terrible virus that they wanted to admit me to hospital as I had a terrible cough and breathing difficulties. I still went to work as I do and also had terrible bowel problems. One day I had eaten lunch in my friends office and felt a horrible need to poo. If I had went back into her office she would have been horrified if I had farted. I looked for an escape but there was none the toilets were miles away and my boss who had a nearby office where I could have escaped and farted was on holiday and his office was locked. My Asian boss was having a meeting In his office with around 7 Asian men and I coughed and did the longest loudest ever for about 5 minute fart I have ever heard I was mortified! It echoed off the walls. I just stood in the corridor and cringed. He (the Asian boss who hated me because he was racist) called me into his office and asked me to send an employee to his office and the said he suggested I went home. I have never forgotten this humiliation.

Trustmeimadoggroomer17 Thu 27-Jul-17 22:20:41

Just found this thread trying to read them to my DP through snorts tears and cramps from laughing to hard haha.

bebesidetheseaside Fri 21-Jul-17 08:51:05

Oh my god. Why haven't I seen this thread before? My cheeks are aching from laughing!!

I've got poo stories but I'm struggling to type from chuckling, will have to return at a later point!

FurryLittleTwerp Wed 10-May-17 23:06:05

Four months after I married DH, we went skiing with the best man plus his wife & two small DDs.

Youngest DD caught a tummy bug in the creche, followed by elder DD, then mum, then dad, then DH.

We arrived back, I was still fine at this point. It was horribly foggy, too foggy to drive home so we stayed overnight with our friends - they lived five minutes from the airport.

In the middle of the night, I was attacked by The Bug, ran in & out of the loo all night & in the morning, helping to make breakfast wearing just a dressing gown, farted & shat on my own ankle confused blush

lucyandpoppy123 Sun 07-May-17 23:07:05

Period story:
I was 16 and 'seeing' my now OH. We were at his friends house and I hadn't changed my towel in a while to the point that it was saturated. I noticed this when I stood up from her (his friends) bed and noticed blood which I passed off as being from a cut on my foot. We then got in friends car and I bled on her front seat πŸ˜– We went to a fairground and I also bled on the rides πŸ˜–πŸ˜–πŸ˜– no idea why I didn't just detour to a shop I was young and embarrassed!

Second embarrassing moment: at Uni in halls, went to my friends room where we sat and chatted. Flow was heavy but was wearing a towel (or 'jam rag' as OH calls them!) and as I got up to leave noticed I had bled on her duvet 😳😳 was mortified especially as I knew I'd have to see her the next morning!

lucyandpoppy123 Sun 07-May-17 23:02:01

Are wee (not as in small πŸ˜‚) stories also welcome?

So a couple of years ago 19 year old me is staying at my dads flat for the summer. I take my dog for a walk, get home and as I put my key in the lock realise I'm desperate for a wee. And then suddenly the floodgates open and I'm stood in a puddle πŸ˜‚ I let the dog in and go back out to clean up the puddle as its in the communal enterance to the flat right at the bottom of the stairs to the next floor πŸ˜– and the front door slams shut behind me. My keys, phone, money and dog are all locked in the flat! I'm literally just stood on the doorstep in a puddle, wearing nothing but a wet dress and sandals. I know my dad has a spare pair of keys but I have no way of contacting him so I decide to head for my mums house which is nearly an hour walk away through the town centre πŸ˜‚

Screamifuwant2gofaster Fri 05-May-17 11:19:34

I was on holiday in a very remote bit of Britain. We'd walked several miles from our b and b. Suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to poo. I couldn't stop myself. We were on top of some cliffs. I squatted down..... Really hope no one ever do found it. Ew! I've never admitted that before.

HerOtherHalf Fri 05-May-17 10:59:35

I had been away visiting friends for a night out and arrived home in the morning to realise that I'd left my keys behind. I phoned my wife but best she could offer was to nip home at lunchtime to let me in. So I'm lounging around in my garden waiting and the urge to poo starts to grow. It grows to the point where waiting is no longer an option, and then it grows some more. Action is required urgently.

Our back garden is overlooked by a couple of houses so I decided the most discreet place for a tactical dump was behind the front garden wall. So there I am trousers at ankles, squatting behind the wall squeezing one out when the front gate swings open and a postman arrives on scene. He doesn't see me immediately because I'm in his blind spot but It's only going to take him a few seconds to walk to my front door and turn around.

There's clearly not enough time to sort myself out so I decide the only chance I have is to keep very still and hope he doesn't notice me. Of course that was never going to work. He turns around, clocks me immediately and we make direct eye contact. He's just stood there looking at me with a state of mild shock on his face and I realise he might think I'm an intruder or something so I blurt out "It's alright, I live here". He paused for a second to process this new information, and replied "I'm sure you do. I just don't understand why you think that makes any of this alright". Then he continued down the path and closed the gate behind him. I heard him howling with laughter further down the street a few seconds later.

womanwhowantstohelp Sun 02-Apr-17 15:21:17

OH!MY! GOD! I've just sat here since 12-10 reading this thread (not quite all of it) and am almost literally PMSL (not quite, or I'd have one to add to this).

I honestly don't think I have a shit story... although I'm probably jinxing it right there. However when I was a young teen (about 13) I had horrendously heavy periods and I remember one particular time I had 4 days of horrendously heavy changing every hour or so. It got to the point where I fainted but stupid me didn't think anything of it. On the 3rd day of this, our family got new couches which my parents still have to this day. And it was early, about 7am and I was about to head to school (I'd had 2 days off previously because of the fainting). I was stupid and went straight to the couch from bed for all of 30 seconds. I ran off upstairs without even checking and my mum followed me... and again for the millionth time in the couple of days she stated, "I can't believe how heavy your periods are. That... went on the couch". I felt so awful... we had only got them like 12 hours before this. Luckily they came with stain remover so my mum managed to get it out.... but when I'm sitting on them couches... I always sit on that seat, and think about it almost every time and that's a lot as I still live in the same house haha.

Now I'm gonna do something more productive with my life.

SapphireStrange Thu 23-Mar-17 15:25:48

Tommy Squealers

She stood there long enough for 'it to go back up'

I was wearing a dressing gown and a thong which made its passage to the floor that little bit easier.

The rears are streaming here!

I will never forget the face of the yak looking back at me

grin grin grin grin grin

I can't read any more, I'll be sick I'm laughing so much.

Jojobythesea Thu 23-Mar-17 15:09:38

Omg grin Sat waiting for school to kick out in the car on my own crying with laughter!! I once let rip on a plastic chair in the M and S cafe and it kind of amplified the noise....I blamed it on my six yo DS. He indignantly replied loudly 'Mummy, that was you!!' blush

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Thu 23-Mar-17 14:56:55

my mum let a small poo out, just outside Lidl last year.
luckily she was wearing knickers and pants, and she lives close by.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Thu 23-Mar-17 14:55:05

As we moved round to the front of the house, he let off what had to be the longest fart I ever heard. He walked and farted. Where anyone kept so much fart is beyond me.
Dh never let on he heard it.

I had to go inside and lay on the floor crying and laughing. They came in to the house, ignored me and he farted going up each step.

I took hysterics then.

grin this gave me the best laugh so far this year.

theoracleofdelphi Wed 22-Mar-17 16:48:39

When I was a student I got horribly drunk in the student union bar (Comic Relief Night 1989!) and after vomiting in the toilets decided I urgently needed to go home. I staggered down the road and there was a path through a row of vairy posh houses which students were FORBIDDEN to use following complaints from the residents.

Off I went down the private path and realised I urgently needed a mahoosive poo and finding myself on the manicured front lawn of one of the houses, pulled my jeans and knickers down, squatted and did the biggest poo a human has ever produced! I wiped my bum on a leaf and staggered back to my student bedsit where I spent the next 3 days in bed.

I've spent the last 28 years tittering to myself at the owners discovering my huge poo and wondering how the hell a Great Dane managed to get out alone at night! gringringringrin

Teutonic Tue 21-Mar-17 10:43:51

I once had a tummy bug that I thought had cleared up a few days later.
One of my friends invited me to her home for a coffee and a chat. I sat on her new couch which was a cream coloured material.
She popped back into the kitchen and I leant forward to pick my coffee up from the low table in front of me. As I leant forward I inadvertently let out a massive fart and followed through at the same time, just as my friend walked back in.
I jumped up and saw that the follow through had done just that.......followed through my knickers and trousers and left a large streak of shit on the cushion.
It was like a game of musical statues, my friend stood frozen in shock with her mouth doing goldfish impressions while I was frozen with horror while repeatedly apologising and saying stupid things like I don't know where it came from and it will come out
We kind of drifted apart after that, I can't think why. blush

GeorgiePeachie Fri 23-Dec-16 11:31:53

I was lounging in bed while my ex bf was up feeding the rabbits. I rolled over and farted and felt a dribble of poo down my bum and onto the bed. (no dicky tummy no warning. FREAK accident. Am at HIS HOUSE on his WHITE sheets and he's next door and could return at any moment.

In fact he did return. I through the duvet over the stain and got rid of him out the room again asap. Ripped off the sheet and washed it in his ensuite sink, vanished it. and did a load of washing and changed the sheets (had JUST changed them so he was a bit confused when a sheet turned up again on the line).

Get secret pleasure from the fact that him an the bitch of a friend who is now his gf sleep in those bed sheets even now. HA

Myusernameismyusername Sat 26-Nov-16 19:03:55

I've been laughing so much at these!

I shit myself on a bus when I was about 18. I ate a whole packet of sugar free sweets at work and didn't know about the effects of sorbitol. After being in the only loo on our whole floor, that was in reception for about half an hour I had to confess to my boss I was ill and needed to go home. Unfortunately this was an hour bus ride away and the stomach cramps got the better of me. I just had nowhere to go - couldn't get off the bus in the middle of nowhere, just stayed on it praying no one would sit next to me. I remember getting home and phoning my mum and crying my eyes out lying on the landing, exhausted from all the shitting

breezeharbour Mon 04-Jan-16 19:46:02

I'll bite.

My first job post-uni. Went to the loo with tummy ache, and not tummy upset but honestly did the absolute biggest poo ever. I don't know how I even passed it. And completely solid- so solid in fact that it actually blocked the toilet.

Tried to poke it down with loo brush- brush got covered. I still cringe when I think about it! So was desperately trying to wash the loo brush in the sink, almost in tears.

I ran to the kitchen and begged the staff member in there to offer me some advice, who gave me a bowl of hot washing up water and also came with me for some reason and TRIED TO LOOK IN THE TOILET WHY

God knows what I'd eaten the day before. Cringe.

Leigh1980 Mon 04-Jan-16 19:36:14

I bought a bag of dried apricots! I now know my stomach does not like dried apricots!! I was alone in my basement flat and the farts started erupting - the stench was like nothing I'd ever smelt before EVER!! My ex DP came home from work looking alarmed. He said " I can smell you DOWN THE ROAD!" Eventually the farts stopped after a huge poo. My ex was gagging from the smell.

The next day a plumber knocked on the door to check out drain. He'd been called by the block manager as there had been complaints of very bad drain smells the day before he told us! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜³πŸ˜³. My ex had to hold in his laughter whilst pretending we knew nothing about it!

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