I pooed on my skirt at work today(370 Posts)
I am not a poo troll.
I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.
I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.
Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.
I got away with it.
I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.
Four months after I married DH, we went skiing with the best man plus his wife & two small DDs.
Youngest DD caught a tummy bug in the creche, followed by elder DD, then mum, then dad, then DH.
We arrived back, I was still fine at this point. It was horribly foggy, too foggy to drive home so we stayed overnight with our friends - they lived five minutes from the airport.
In the middle of the night, I was attacked by The Bug, ran in & out of the loo all night & in the morning, helping to make breakfast wearing just a dressing gown, farted & shat on my own ankle
I was 16 and 'seeing' my now OH. We were at his friends house and I hadn't changed my towel in a while to the point that it was saturated. I noticed this when I stood up from her (his friends) bed and noticed blood which I passed off as being from a cut on my foot. We then got in friends car and I bled on her front seat 😖 We went to a fairground and I also bled on the rides 😖😖😖 no idea why I didn't just detour to a shop I was young and embarrassed!
Second embarrassing moment: at Uni in halls, went to my friends room where we sat and chatted. Flow was heavy but was wearing a towel (or 'jam rag' as OH calls them!) and as I got up to leave noticed I had bled on her duvet 😳😳 was mortified especially as I knew I'd have to see her the next morning!
Are wee (not as in small 😂) stories also welcome?
So a couple of years ago 19 year old me is staying at my dads flat for the summer. I take my dog for a walk, get home and as I put my key in the lock realise I'm desperate for a wee. And then suddenly the floodgates open and I'm stood in a puddle 😂 I let the dog in and go back out to clean up the puddle as its in the communal enterance to the flat right at the bottom of the stairs to the next floor 😖 and the front door slams shut behind me. My keys, phone, money and dog are all locked in the flat! I'm literally just stood on the doorstep in a puddle, wearing nothing but a wet dress and sandals. I know my dad has a spare pair of keys but I have no way of contacting him so I decide to head for my mums house which is nearly an hour walk away through the town centre 😂
I was on holiday in a very remote bit of Britain. We'd walked several miles from our b and b. Suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to poo. I couldn't stop myself. We were on top of some cliffs. I squatted down..... Really hope no one ever do found it. Ew! I've never admitted that before.
I had been away visiting friends for a night out and arrived home in the morning to realise that I'd left my keys behind. I phoned my wife but best she could offer was to nip home at lunchtime to let me in. So I'm lounging around in my garden waiting and the urge to poo starts to grow. It grows to the point where waiting is no longer an option, and then it grows some more. Action is required urgently.
Our back garden is overlooked by a couple of houses so I decided the most discreet place for a tactical dump was behind the front garden wall. So there I am trousers at ankles, squatting behind the wall squeezing one out when the front gate swings open and a postman arrives on scene. He doesn't see me immediately because I'm in his blind spot but It's only going to take him a few seconds to walk to my front door and turn around.
There's clearly not enough time to sort myself out so I decide the only chance I have is to keep very still and hope he doesn't notice me. Of course that was never going to work. He turns around, clocks me immediately and we make direct eye contact. He's just stood there looking at me with a state of mild shock on his face and I realise he might think I'm an intruder or something so I blurt out "It's alright, I live here". He paused for a second to process this new information, and replied "I'm sure you do. I just don't understand why you think that makes any of this alright". Then he continued down the path and closed the gate behind him. I heard him howling with laughter further down the street a few seconds later.
OH!MY! GOD! I've just sat here since 12-10 reading this thread (not quite all of it) and am almost literally PMSL (not quite, or I'd have one to add to this).
I honestly don't think I have a shit story... although I'm probably jinxing it right there. However when I was a young teen (about 13) I had horrendously heavy periods and I remember one particular time I had 4 days of horrendously heavy changing every hour or so. It got to the point where I fainted but stupid me didn't think anything of it. On the 3rd day of this, our family got new couches which my parents still have to this day. And it was early, about 7am and I was about to head to school (I'd had 2 days off previously because of the fainting). I was stupid and went straight to the couch from bed for all of 30 seconds. I ran off upstairs without even checking and my mum followed me... and again for the millionth time in the couple of days she stated, "I can't believe how heavy your periods are. That... went on the couch". I felt so awful... we had only got them like 12 hours before this. Luckily they came with stain remover so my mum managed to get it out.... but when I'm sitting on them couches... I always sit on that seat, and think about it almost every time and that's a lot as I still live in the same house haha.
Now I'm gonna do something more productive with my life.
She stood there long enough for 'it to go back up'
I was wearing a dressing gown and a thong which made its passage to the floor that little bit easier.
The rears are streaming here!
I will never forget the face of the yak looking back at me
I can't read any more, I'll be sick I'm laughing so much.
Omg Sat waiting for school to kick out in the car on my own crying with laughter!! I once let rip on a plastic chair in the M and S cafe and it kind of amplified the noise....I blamed it on my six yo DS. He indignantly replied loudly 'Mummy, that was you!!'
my mum let a small poo out, just outside Lidl last year.
luckily she was wearing knickers and pants, and she lives close by.
As we moved round to the front of the house, he let off what had to be the longest fart I ever heard. He walked and farted. Where anyone kept so much fart is beyond me.
Dh never let on he heard it.
I had to go inside and lay on the floor crying and laughing. They came in to the house, ignored me and he farted going up each step.
I took hysterics then.
this gave me the best laugh so far this year.
When I was a student I got horribly drunk in the student union bar (Comic Relief Night 1989!) and after vomiting in the toilets decided I urgently needed to go home. I staggered down the road and there was a path through a row of vairy posh houses which students were FORBIDDEN to use following complaints from the residents.
Off I went down the private path and realised I urgently needed a mahoosive poo and finding myself on the manicured front lawn of one of the houses, pulled my jeans and knickers down, squatted and did the biggest poo a human has ever produced! I wiped my bum on a leaf and staggered back to my student bedsit where I spent the next 3 days in bed.
I've spent the last 28 years tittering to myself at the owners discovering my huge poo and wondering how the hell a Great Dane managed to get out alone at night!
I once had a tummy bug that I thought had cleared up a few days later.
One of my friends invited me to her home for a coffee and a chat. I sat on her new couch which was a cream coloured material.
She popped back into the kitchen and I leant forward to pick my coffee up from the low table in front of me. As I leant forward I inadvertently let out a massive fart and followed through at the same time, just as my friend walked back in.
I jumped up and saw that the follow through had done just that.......followed through my knickers and trousers and left a large streak of shit on the cushion.
It was like a game of musical statues, my friend stood frozen in shock with her mouth doing goldfish impressions while I was frozen with horror while repeatedly apologising and saying stupid things like I don't know where it came from and it will come out
We kind of drifted apart after that, I can't think why.
I was lounging in bed while my ex bf was up feeding the rabbits. I rolled over and farted and felt a dribble of poo down my bum and onto the bed. (no dicky tummy no warning. FREAK accident. Am at HIS HOUSE on his WHITE sheets and he's next door and could return at any moment.
In fact he did return. I through the duvet over the stain and got rid of him out the room again asap. Ripped off the sheet and washed it in his ensuite sink, vanished it. and did a load of washing and changed the sheets (had JUST changed them so he was a bit confused when a sheet turned up again on the line).
Get secret pleasure from the fact that him an the bitch of a friend who is now his gf sleep in those bed sheets even now. HA
I've been laughing so much at these!
I shit myself on a bus when I was about 18. I ate a whole packet of sugar free sweets at work and didn't know about the effects of sorbitol. After being in the only loo on our whole floor, that was in reception for about half an hour I had to confess to my boss I was ill and needed to go home. Unfortunately this was an hour bus ride away and the stomach cramps got the better of me. I just had nowhere to go - couldn't get off the bus in the middle of nowhere, just stayed on it praying no one would sit next to me. I remember getting home and phoning my mum and crying my eyes out lying on the landing, exhausted from all the shitting
My first job post-uni. Went to the loo with tummy ache, and not tummy upset but honestly did the absolute biggest poo ever. I don't know how I even passed it. And completely solid- so solid in fact that it actually blocked the toilet.
Tried to poke it down with loo brush- brush got covered. I still cringe when I think about it! So was desperately trying to wash the loo brush in the sink, almost in tears.
I ran to the kitchen and begged the staff member in there to offer me some advice, who gave me a bowl of hot washing up water
and also came with me for some reason and TRIED TO LOOK IN THE TOILET WHY
God knows what I'd eaten the day before. Cringe.
I bought a bag of dried apricots! I now know my stomach does not like dried apricots!! I was alone in my basement flat and the farts started erupting - the stench was like nothing I'd ever smelt before EVER!! My ex DP came home from work looking alarmed. He said " I can smell you DOWN THE ROAD!" Eventually the farts stopped after a huge poo. My ex was gagging from the smell.
The next day a plumber knocked on the door to check out drain. He'd been called by the block manager as there had been complaints of very bad drain smells the day before he told us! 😂😂😳😳. My ex had to hold in his laughter whilst pretending we knew nothing about it!
Just clicked on this thread and read your story JustHere OH. MY. GOD!!! Crying here, what a mortifying, but hilarious, story! Poor you! but . Thank you so much, still laughing!
I'm the children's nursery coordinator at my church, and this morning before any of the golden had come in it was only myself and my two 16 year-old helpers in the room. I had just turned on a cd of children's songs when I spontaneously choked on my own saliva, coughing so violently that I farted with a mighty thunderclap.
Those poor girls faces. It was as if I'd suddenly pulled a cracker under their noses. They were so startled!!
Once I'd stopped choking and farting, one of the girls said "yep. That's my life, right there."
I'm not proud of this.
Years and years ago, I started my first job in an office housed in a very old, listed building. The plumbing was terrible. My (shared) office was in the attic and there was a small, unisex WC, shared by the entire floor.
During my first week, I developed terrible stomach cramps and knew I had to poo urgently. Not wanting to risk creating a smell that could be linked to me, I ran downstairs to find that toilet out of order. The one on the ground floor was near reception so couldn't risk getting caught walking out by visiting clients. So I went back to the attic, accepting my fate.
I sat and crimped one out. It was horrific. I made a poo that resembled King Kong's finger and smelled like one of his farts. I decided to make a quick get-away so nobody would see me leave.
I pressed the flusher handle. Nothing.
Pressed again. Small amount of water but nowhere near enough to shift this brown behemoth.
Third time, not even a gurgle of water.
At this stage, I was starting to sweat. I grabbed the wicker bathroom bin and fruitlessly tried to fill it with enough water to pour into the toilet. All that achieved was to drench my clothes.
By now, I was in a flap. I couldn't risk walking out and leaving it there as, at this stage, I'd been gone for over 20 minutes and it would be obvious it was me.
I looked around and, like McGyver, grabbed the only thing within arm's reach- a well-chewed plastic pen that someone had abandoned on the window ledge. Using the pen as a crude chopstick, I managed to spear the shit, and lifted it up out of the pan. I swear, it wriggled and put up a struggle.
At this stage, I didn't know what to do. Sweat was pouring down my brow, and I was standing there in my now wet suit with Moby Shit firmly stuck to a biro. I opened the window, stood on the bowl of the toilet and looked out, thinking I could lob the jobbie out. After a quick look, I realised that, below the window, was the heavily-used staff smoking area with a few colleagues standing around. There was no way I could fling my filth.
At this stage, a few people had tried to toilet door and moved away, seeing it was occupied. The pressure was mounting. Surely someone would realise I'd now been away from my desk for over half an hour and then link that to the locked bathroom?
In desperation, I looked around and there, like a beacon, was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen; a sanitary bin. Like a basketball player, I graceful opened the lid, arched the poo in and shut the bin as fast as I could.
Relieved, I slipped out of the toilet, heading back to my desk loudly complaining about a visiting client overstaying their welcome.
6 weeks later, an e-mail came around from the Office Manager. Addressed to all the ladies in the office, it explained that, as someone had taken to shitting in the sanitary bins, the bathroom supplies company had refused to service our office any longer. There would be no more sanitary bins.
Everyone was disgusted. At first, there were murmurs of "but..but...but we need sanitary bins!". Then it changed to "hang on, someone shat in a pad bin?".
I even heard one colleague ask "but how would someone be able to aim their arse into the little bin flap?!"
JustDance Your mother sounds the understanding type!
Ooh, remember one more. I had just given birth to DD and the hospital put me on iron tablets which played havoc with my digestive system. My cousin had come round to help me with the baby, and as I was sitting there with her I felt an urgent need for the loo, followed by what I thought would be a fart, but before I could excuse myself I realised I had started! Luckily I don'tthink she noticed and I ran upstairs to sort myself out (and took no more pills!). Another one was when I was 15 and had a really bad stomach bug. My parents called the GP out as in those days they did house calls. As the Dr was examining my stomach it made me want to poo again (obv) and i couldn't help but let rip lying on the sofa! When he'd I legged it to the loo and found some lovely poo in my knickers. My mum said 'I hope you didn't do that when the Dr was here.' I lied & said I didn't!!
I am literally crying here & I'll add my two-Penneth too!
Period - I had some gynae issues in my 20s which meant I could literally start bleeding whenever. I was at work, wearing beige trousers and yes, my body decided to randomly expel some uterine blood! . I went to my boss at the time so mortified, but I had to get help from somewhere. She shoed out the rest of the office and went to find someone with spare knickers (they happened to be going to a conference after work!) and I tied my friend's fleece round my waist once I'd washed my trousers the best I could.
I also once leaked on the floor of the needlework room at school - managed to wipe it off with the sole of my shoe & quickly asked to be excused!!
Once I had a party and because my friends weren't all local, a lot stayed over. In the morning one of the boys kindly pounted out to my friend that she'd leaked during the night. She was mortified, and I still take the piss now!
I recently leakeda bit on my PIL's holiday home light-coloured sofa. It wasn't too bad so I just turned the cushion over!!
Was on holiday with DH before we got married. We were in a country known for tummy bugs & I succumbed. Luckily we had an en suite as I was on & off the bog all night proclaiming I was 'dying'. The loo obviously gave up the ghost after all the shite that had been poured into it and it got rather badly blocked so DH had to wade in & manually extract my diahhorrea from the loo with random plastic bags we must have had lying around!!
I was in a department store toilet with my mum & I had just done a rather smelly poo. When I emerged from the cubicle she said - rather loudly 'JustDance Was that you?' Thanks for that mum & yes, it was. Hope she was proud!!
This whole thread has had me in stitches!
I have quite a few awful stories, 2 of which involve being very drunk.
Wee - I was still living at home. I had been at the pub with some friends and drank far too much. The pub closed and I stumbled the 5 minutes home.I needed to pee but thought I could hold it. I got in, closed the door, tried to lock it, couldn't because I was so drunk so just pissed all over the mat in my mums hallway.
Sick -My 21st birthday I was challenged to do the 21 shot challenge. 21 shots down and I was incredibly drunk. A friends mum gave me and DP a lift home, the whole journey I was feeling worse and worse. She pulled up outside my house, I ran out of the car, through the front door, up the stairs, couldn't open the bathroom door and threw up all over it. I locked myself in there to clean up and was sick for hours. DP who was also quite drunk was incredibly worried about me (we'd only been together 6 weeks) so called his mum crying at 4am because I wouldn't let him in to help me. (We are now married!)
Poo- for some reason my body always seems to want to go for a poo the moment dh steps in the shower. He always locks the door and takes very long showers. Usually I was force it back until he gets out. One time I just couldn't and ended up pooing into one of DDs nappies over a carrier bag in our bedroom and cleaning up with some wipes. Luckily it was a solid one.
I'm very glad I'm not alone in these things!
When DS was toilet training it took him ages to poo in the toilet and so we had loads of accidents and poo filled underpants.
2 of the most memorable are these
One day I had to go to a government office and I brought him with him. There was a long queue and we were there for ages and he inevetibly had an accident. There was a toilet there. The door to it opened right into the very small waiting room. So I brought him in a tried to clean him up but there was no bin so I wrapped his dirty underpants in some toilet paper and put them into my handbag. I laugh now but I was so upset and it was such a stressful day.
The second was worse. We went to eat in Spur. DS went off to play in the playroom and minutes later all the kids started running out of the playroom shouting and crying about 'poo' and 'someone pooed' etc. I went to investigate and it was DS. He had pooed his pants and it had fallen out and was smeared all over the place.
I went to get some tissue and met a several parents in the toilets trying to clean their children up. One mother was giving instructions to her husband to go to Penney's and get some new clothes for their child.
We cleaned DS up as well as we could and left. Luckily we hadn't ordered anything.
I have never been more mortified. It was years before we returned to Spur.
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