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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!! I have LITERALLY twatted a spider to death

(245 Posts)
Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 17:45:12

I have just been to the loo, had a wee and saw something rather large and dark on the loo paper. Looked and it was a spider, a squished, slightly warm very dead spider.

I have suffocated a spider with my fanjo. Worse I have had a spider residing in my pants and not known.

I couldn't even scream as the entire family are asleep in various parts of the house with the vomity fluy thing.

<sits in corner rocking>

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:31:10

Dame I am wearing DrMooncup now, clearly DrMooncup is fucking useless grin

GreenEyesandNiceHam Fri 18-Nov-11 18:32:18

Little Miss Honey
Sat on the dunny
Enjoying her afternoon pee
On the tissue to wipe her
She saw a dead spider
And wailed 'oh why the fuck me'

BananaChoc Fri 18-Nov-11 18:32:31

Please see my profile. There was an article in the paper recently. You may have given birth to a spider.

DameEdnaBeverage Fri 18-Nov-11 18:33:09

Honey at least it stopped it climbing too far - maybe it has a rubber allergy and that's what killed it....

Psammead Fri 18-Nov-11 18:33:22

Or was it, you know, inside a while? Scuttling and so forth?

SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 18:35:31

Spider baby. Body of a baby - mind of a spider grin

Did you hear the pitter-patter-pitter-patter-pitter-patter-pitter-patter of tiny feet at all?

FreakoidOrganisoid Fri 18-Nov-11 18:36:46

Oh dear god. You do know they come in pairs...

Fiderer Fri 18-Nov-11 18:37:45


Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:43:17

<still sniggering at ped-curios>

<remains clenched>

spiderlight Fri 18-Nov-11 18:56:54

I am going to have nightmares for WEEKS! <shudder>

SkinnyMuffin Fri 18-Nov-11 19:02:16

Holy Shit shock

Are you absolutely definitely positive honey?

Could it not have been a clump of pubes or something??

<<clutching at straws>>

AhCheeses Fri 18-Nov-11 19:21:10

Just the funniest thing I've read all day! Really cheered me up!

(gave my pjs a thorough shake before putting them on just now...) <shudders>

SarahStratton Fri 18-Nov-11 19:25:15

Did it have boxing gloves on? Boy spiders wear boxing gloves according to DD1

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 20:05:09

it was definitely a spider it had eight eyeballs and eight hobnailed boots and had been wedged in my fanj for a as yet unconfirmed time period.

I have had a bath and am happy to report no spider legs or babies surfaced.

but did you check thoroughly?

oh god this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. And I also openes the thread because I wanted to see how anyone could possibly LITERALLY twat a spider to death...

HopeEternal Fri 18-Nov-11 20:13:56

Honeydragon you will never know how much I needed a bit of light relief today. Thank you.

I do hope the bath was enough...

<chortles emoticon>

Honeydragon - This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone anywhere ever. shock shock shock shock shock shock

This is worse than the half naked running hobnob lady and has replaced that to become my new biggest-fear-that-isn't-likely-to-happen-to-me-but-still-scares-the-bejesus-out-of-me-just-in-case-it-does.

How is it possible that you are not still in the shower, screaming with horror and drinking a large amount of gin to help you forget?

shock shock shock shock shock shock

Stropzilla Fri 18-Nov-11 20:17:42

OMG that's horrible, you poor thing. I remember when I rolled over in bed and squished a spider with my naked shoulder. Didn't find out til morning and caught sight of it in the mirror. Didn't scream, but did move the bedroom around and haven't slept next to an open window since!

tigerdriverII Fri 18-Nov-11 20:22:02

Can't get past Sue's conker comment, am crying with laughter and only came on the thread to tut at your use of "literally" (a bug bear of mine, although I think you have more of a bug bear, literally) or is that bug beaver?

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 20:29:44

I think the bath helped

I am wearing my tightest knickers now though and may possibly seal the edges with glue


Fiderer Fri 18-Nov-11 20:33:58

<passes duct tape>
<bloomers with extra-strong elastic>
<sleeping bag with reinforced zip>
<hermetically-sealed flotation tank, emptied of water and filled with gin>

JarethTheGoblinKing Fri 18-Nov-11 20:35:15

Oh god, I can't breathe.. this is THE funniest thing I have ever read. FACT.

BUT - I will now forever check the entire bathroom for the Fucking Bastard Arachnids every time I wee.

JarethTheGoblinKing Fri 18-Nov-11 20:35:57

Maybe the spider was dwelling in the crapper and came up to bite meet you?

thousandDenier Fri 18-Nov-11 20:45:17

this makes me feel better about the spider that got squashed by my baps.

It clearly thought it had found a delightful haven in my brassiere but ended up looking like it had been steamrollered.

groak Fri 18-Nov-11 20:47:39

Dh has just read this and asked:

Was it a funnel spider?

Was it after the flies?


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