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So, we're getting married, best ways to irritate all our guests here please

(502 Posts)
Madascheese Sat 18-Sep-10 06:02:37

Well DP pitched up with a very pretty bit of jewellery yesterday and proposed! How excited am I?

echt Sat 18-Sep-10 08:51:03

I forgot.


Pancakeflipper Sat 18-Sep-10 08:56:08

Do not have food options for the Wedding breakfast. Ignore all dietary requirments for whatever reasons. Serve a hog roast to all including the vegetarians and ensure no one gets any drinks unless they pay for them. This includes water - ensure no tap water allowed in jugs - only £6 bottles of water to match your table décor.

Have a massive gift list but nothing under £40.00

wingandprayer Sat 18-Sep-10 08:58:43

Ensure you have a really 'creative' menu choice.

Sushi to start, steak tartare for main, dorian fruit cheesecake for pudding should do it.

No veggie options or dietary requirements catered for.

Congrats btw grin

maryz Sat 18-Sep-10 09:01:42

Save the gigantic falling out for about 3 days beforehand to make sure there is no chance of making up before the big day.

The cupboard was, I think, for breast-feeding in hmm.

Tell all your guests you will definitely be exactly on time and then be an hour and a half late.

Have a two tier list, so you send invites a month in advance, and then if anyone refuses, invite the next on the list, and this is most important make sure you tell those next on the list that they are on a waiting list, so that they aren't under any illusion that they are actually friends, just there to make up the numbers if others can't come [bitter emoticon].


NonnoMum Sat 18-Sep-10 09:07:00


Write your own vows. Make them as sub-A Level and arse-clenching as possible...

Bumperlicious Sat 18-Sep-10 09:09:10

Get married at 1pm. To early to eat lunch before hand. Don't let guests sit down for dinner till 4pm.


NonnoMum Sat 18-Sep-10 09:09:36

Oh - and serve a 'relaxed' buffet/fish n chips/hog roast as above, so when Nana (who has travelled miles through the night to be there) feels a bit peckish, she has to queue for hours behind all the designer high heels with nothing but her walking stick to chat to...

LadyBiscuit Sat 18-Sep-10 09:13:58

Change your mind three times about whether children are allowed or not.

Don't allow people to take their own photos.

Insist that if people are staying, they must stay in the wedding venue where rooms are £250/night

Don't have anything under £75 on your wedding list.


blackteaplease Sat 18-Sep-10 09:16:38

Congratulations on your engagement.

If it is a sunny day, have lots of photos taken at the church of every possible combination of guests whilst providing no drinks for anybody. Then repeat at the reception venue.

Oh, and if you are having evening guests, only serve bacon rolls at night as they will have driven straight from work to get to your reception and will appreciate the extra room in their stomachs for alcohol.

StealthPolarBear Sat 18-Sep-10 10:12:48

ooh yes a staged dance! Maybe thriller, complete with zombie actions. Make your guests sign a contract to say they'll participate and be filmed for youtube

warthog Sat 18-Sep-10 10:18:42

ask lots of lo's to be flower girls but then ban them from the reception.

allow children of mothers with big mouths to make sure that the banned ones are aware of the deal.

hold the wedding in the carribean at christmas and insist that everyone must go.

dejavuaswell Sat 18-Sep-10 10:20:39

Have a very long religious service, ideally ultra-evangelical followed by a vegan "meal" about three hours later. Don't bother speaking to any guests but do distribute the guests randomly between tables in a room with pillars so most folk cannot see you.

Madascheese Sat 18-Sep-10 10:21:35

These are really marvellous, thanks so much, it's VERY important to me that I get this event just right

gruber Sat 18-Sep-10 10:21:43

Have a very expensive bar that doesn't take cards or give change.

Hire an annoying magician to bore your guests for all those hours you are busy with photos. Ensure he leaves nobody in peace to discuss the wedding.

Have your reception 100 miles away from church in a shit hotel.

Spend hours messing about with a poncey fire lantern while your guests wait to see you.

Don't cut the cake until your guests are about to go home- they don't deserve to have a piece of cake.

Forget to announce the cutting if the cake.

That should do it...

gruber Sat 18-Sep-10 10:23:49

Oh, congratulations madascheese!

maryz Sat 18-Sep-10 10:24:49

A fire lantern gruber confused?

sooz28 Sat 18-Sep-10 10:26:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 10:30:12

To be honest, the best way to irritate your guests is to invite them in first place.
Everybody is really just happier if you and groom eloped.

Oh yes, 'reserve the date', how cryptic is that?
I mean, what the HELL is that all about, am I being invited to a wedding or not?

If I am, just send an invite with a message like, oh, I don't know, 'Please come to our wedding on this date' or, how's this for radical-ability, don't send ANYTHING at all.

ChippingIn Sat 18-Sep-10 10:31:08

Congratulations!!! Do you think he was reading our convo yesterday?????? grin

How happy is LittleMad - has he stopped pinging off of the walls yet??

<can't believe you didn't tell us last night>

Really, really excited for you!!

Now what can you do to annoy your guests... have a theme/colour - change it a fortnight before the wedding!!

sooz28 Sat 18-Sep-10 10:31:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsgordonfreeman Sat 18-Sep-10 10:34:13

It was my 5 month old dd who got relegated to a cupboard, because I forgot to drop her off at the cattery on the way to the airport.

Sugared almonds and a free bar should give your guests enough to be going on with.

ethelina Sat 18-Sep-10 10:34:36


Have your ceremony at midday and the reception at 6 with buffet only, leaving guests with nothing to do and nothing to eat for hours.

Use pretentious menu cards with scrolly writing and list all food in French/Italian so no-ones sure what they're eating.

Demand full morning dress for the men with top hats etc.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 10:35:48

Ooh, congratulations!

I have some excellent tried-and-tested tips right here:

1) ensure your venue is obscure, and send detailed directions, causing irritation to your out-of-town guests six months in advance.

2) Three weeks in advance, have the venue cancel and send out new directions, thus confusing everyone.

3) Go for a really annoying religious requirement, such as that all guests must stand for the duration of the service.

4) Ensure the officiating person tells the congregation this, and insults those who sit down/faint/can't get up in the first place. It will go down well.

5) Even better, ask the priest to make several comments during the service about babies. Everyone will think you're pregnant and start sizing up your stomach, including your very proper elderly relatives.

6) Load up a family member with rude questions to ask those guests who don't know anyone else - it will make them feel pleasantly included.

7) If any of your recently-married, traditional in-laws address you as 'Mrs X', snigger and say loudly that you're not changing your name.

8) Have your MIL wear cream. Actually, your guests genuinely will love this one, and it is a fantastic icebreaker. MIL should ideally be stone deaf or unable to speak English, so she won't understand the increasingly hostile comments.

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 10:36:15

maryz Yes, fire lanterns. Bizarre, isn't it?

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 10:37:37

(All these are from my wedding, btw. And I forgot the best one - make sure something everyone expects to happen, like the exchange of rings, doesn't happen. It'll piss everyone off a treat because they'll assume you haven't invited them to a 'proper' wedding.)

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