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need your thoughts!

(14 Posts)
twins2cute Sat 18-Jun-05 01:42:05

Hi all. Some of you may know I have had problems with my in laws. we have been trying to sort them recently. Its the hardest thing I have ever done. Felt physically sick & extremely vulnerable but thats another post!

What I want to ask is how can I get my in laws to see that if they want to have my 3 year old ID twin boys on their own without my dh & I being around they need to agree that they won't smack them. i think my mil will agree but my FIL is adament that if he needed to he would smack my boys. Because of this I wont let them have them. My dh & I have never smacked or even taped our boys hands, bottoms etc... Distraction & to some extent reasoning works fine.
My Fil says that I am being inflexible and that it is my way or nothing else but I don't see why I should be expected to compromise on this. My dh is totally behind me on this one and has let his views known to but it is still falling on deaf ears. If anyone has any brain waves to help I would be most grateful.

twins2cute Sat 18-Jun-05 01:45:42

The other thing I wanted to ask was were you more relunctant to let other people babysit because there were 2 babies or more.
I have been very aware that I have chosen carefully for babysitting. This is another thing that I get moaned about although at the end of the day I am just wanting my boys to be happy.

jabberwocky Sat 18-Jun-05 01:50:05

Don't have twins but I agree that your wishes should be respected.
BTW ds is 22 months and has only been with his nanny or my parents for babysitting so I think reluctance is universal no matter if it is one baby or more.

TwoIfBySea Sun 19-Jun-05 20:52:51

It is your way or nothing else t2c, they are your children and good for your DH in supporting you on this. Perhaps he was smacked as a child as is remembering this?

My parents know that any discipline is done by DH and I and we use naughty corner etc. not spanking simply because I know it is distressing rather than distracting from bad behaviour. I would go ballistic if either of my parents took it upon themselves to smack dst.

Be inflexible, don't compromise! Your ILs need to know how important this is to you.

moondog Sun 19-Jun-05 20:55:00

twins2....if they can't comply,don't leave them
there. Your decision,nottheirs.

TwoIfBySea Sun 19-Jun-05 20:57:09

And to answer your second question - we have been very careful who babysat dst and have rarely used the services of those we would trust. Also I was mindful that I didn't want people to think I was using them as just a babysitter - SIL made me paranoid of that because she constantly dumped her ds on people all the time.

We have my parents, my DH's uncle and aunt who raised him for a while and are more like his parents anyway and one set of friends (married and with children similar ages.)

I was always reluctant to leave them but now they are 3 1/2 and at nursery for the afternoon I feel more relaxed about leaving them for a couple of hours with parents etc.

FrumpyGrumpy Mon 20-Jun-05 14:51:16

T2C, I am totally appalled that your fil thinks he has any say in how YOUR children are disciplined. It should be his privilege to have some time having fun with them. If he feels he gets to the point of needing to smack someone elses child then he must be under pressure and therefore should not be put in that situ. Does he want his grandchildren to have fun and think he's great or does he want them to be scared of him?

IMO anyone, anyone, anyone who looks after your children should be keeping them safe and happy and, if things got tricky, they should handle it by saying something like "oh I don't think your mummy would like that, that's a shame, lets do something else", and not get involved in serious disciplining issues. Your boys trust you and how confusing to be smacked when you have left them to have fun. And what a shock for them especially if its not something they have witnessed before! My mum always just said "we don't do that here, granny doesn't like it".

I have IL issues too and my MIL once said in front of me "oh I don't want to have to smack your little bottom" I said in a very clear, stern voice to my dd that she was only joking and that no one except mummy or daddy are allowed to do anything like that.

Its really hard to keep cool about these things when you will be touchy about the situation anyway but I do think that on this one they play your way or not at all and thank god your dh agrees. Maybe they should have a date in a public place? Or with you around a few times so you can observe how a tricky situation is handled and keep out of it for a while before showing the IL how you would verbally handle it. I direct my chat to my dd and say "what granny means is....". Its sad to have to teach both age groups!!!

I find it hard to be near my MIL but I can do it for a short while when I know that I'm doing it for my dd.

Keep it light but keep it firm. They are playing by your rules not their own. I wish you lots of luck. Keep us posted.

Sorry for the length of this message. I am an opinionated girl, esp about how kids are respected!! They are people, just small. Your fil would be mad as hell if someone punched him because they didn't like his behaviour.

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn but if you don't have confidence in the situ then bollocks to it. Your kids come first and they trust you.

FrumpyGrumpy Mon 20-Jun-05 14:58:43

Oh and yeah, I pick and choose my babysitters extremely carefully. I never leave my dts and my dd together because I find it hard enough. Also, my dd loves getting my mum and dad to herself when she's always having to share me. I only leave my kids with my parents and a lady who used to work at nursery who has grown up girls of her own and is used to juggling. She loves them and I can see that.

Guardianangel Mon 20-Jun-05 15:04:20

Can you just ask MIL to babysit and leave the old git at home?

twins2cute Tue 21-Jun-05 14:57:43

Thanks all for your comments. Sometimes gets hard when you keep being told you want it all your own way. Thing is it isnt for me at the end of the day its for my boys I just wish they could see that.

Wouldnt be so bad if we didnt live so close maybe we should move! Australia seems a good option!!

Mil wouldnt be able to do babysitting on her own its both or neither!

sandyballs Tue 21-Jun-05 15:12:34

It should be all your own way - they are YOUR children. It is entirely up to you how they are disciplined and your in-laws should respect this.
It is outrageous for them to even suggest smacking when they know it is something you are very much against.

Me and DH try our hardest not to smack our twin DDs (4) although we occasionally resort to a quick smack of the hand in extreme circumstances but if anyone else did this to them I would be livid

jambo1707 Tue 21-Jun-05 16:36:56

I have twins too, I am a bit more vulnerable to let them go(I also have a 3yr old) I think because its 2 babies others wont cope aswell bad I know

Its YOUR children and indeed if your inlaws wants to have them for they day they MUST go with your rules like it or lump it

FrumpyGrumpy Wed 22-Jun-05 13:50:31

T2C, you're not wanting it all your own way. You are being sure that your kids will feel safe and happy in an enviornment they are used to. Much too precious to accept anything less.

bettyp Thu 28-Jul-05 14:22:53

I have eight month old twin girls who are now starting to get difficult as they demand so much attention, yet I would rather plod on, on our own than ask for help of FIL, I think that mother's mostly only want help from their side of the family as they know what the time spent with them will be like as you were brought up there yourself!

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