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jealous of those with singleton

(8 Posts)
notveryproudofmyself Sat 26-Sep-09 17:56:27

Have name changed for this and feel such a cow, but wanted to share and ask for opinions.

Several years ago I gave birth to twins...gorgeous things who I love along with DS like nothing else. But, as a direct result of twins, who I had a very hard time with both pre and post birth, I had to give up my career.

Now my sister had recently had a DD, had an exceedingly easy time through pregnancy and birth, baby is sleeping and feeding beautifully, and her career hasn't had to stop, indeed it's only going from strength to strength.

Whilst I genuinely really really happy for how she is doing, i also can't help but feel seriously jealous, and I don't like myself for feeling this way. But I really can't help it.

My mum has definitely picked up on this, but she has a tendency to play us of against each other anyway, so she is no great help. The other factor stoking my jealousy is that suddenly sister's PFB is major favourite.

God, I hate myself. Please tell me to sort myself out!!

claired21 Sat 26-Sep-09 18:17:23

Are you in a position now to look into getting back to your own career, or something else now that your children are a bit older? Even doing something like studying through the Open University or an evening class at college might boost your own self esteem enough that you don't feel jealous of others?

Everybody feels jealous from time to time so don't feel too bad.

katedan Sun 27-Sep-09 17:05:57

Don't feel bad for the way you feel. I feel exactly the same about my carear. I had to give up work as I could not afford childcare fro DT's and older DS. If only either set of parents had offered to help one day a week to reduce my childcare costs I could have continued PT but my mum still works herslf PT and In laws hep now I am a sahm (although they look after SIL's PFB so she can work!) I loved my job and feel very lost now I am at home and it is hard as it was because we had twins the second time that meant I could not continue to work.

I try to reason that it was fate I had twins and I was obviously not meant to be a working mum and have totally thrown myself into the world of twins by helping at my local twinsclub etc.

I echo the idea of you doing a college course or maybe voluntary work which fits round school etc so you can keep busy and also have the pleasure of being a sahm.

kathryn2804 Sun 27-Sep-09 19:21:46

It's quite normal I think. Have a look at ways to motivate yourself, for instance I did a breastfeeding perr support course and volunteered at the breastfeeding drop-in a couple of times a week. Plus I took over the local twins club baby and toddler group and became a member of the comittee.

you might find you can afford childcare when the government subsidy kicks in the Sept after they're 3. Make sure you are well prepared for then and keep up to date with your job etc.

Or, as someone else said, good time for a career change. you can do all sorts pf training to gain further qualitfications.

1stMrsF Sun 27-Sep-09 22:01:43

Oh god. I have 5mo twins and almost every day I am jealous of singleton mums/resentful that I have twins/bemoan the loss of a yummy mummy lifestyle swanning around in coffee shops with a singleton.

However, 2 things keep me going:

1)Every day I also am speechless/breathless/overwhelmed by the beauty of my gorgeous girls - twins over!
2) a comment my sister made, which keeps me going often: 1stMrsF, one baby wouldn't have been enough of a challenge for you, you'd have been bored rigid.

We twin mums are super mums! Don't feel bad at all, it's quite normal. Do feel proud and lucky when you can. And in between, do what we twin mums do best: we do whatever we need to do to get through the day...

1stMrsF Sun 27-Sep-09 22:03:10

sorry, obviously should read twice over

glamourbadger Sat 03-Oct-09 11:11:28

I completely strung myself out for a long time with jealousy over mums with singletons. It's hard when you see others that sail through their pregnancy and post birth, it took me a good two years to get any semblance of normal life together after my twins.

Mine also had lots of complications which meant I couldn't go back to my old job. I had worked so hard to climb the ladder, put in the hours and have a good degree, I felt like it had all gone to waste!

When mine were 3 and childcare a bit more affordable I set up my own little company and started working as a freelancer. This really gave me the confidence boost I needed. Even though it was only 4 mornings a week it made me feel like a grownup again rather than just a mum. I'm now working in-house again 3 days a week which is a fantastic balance and feel like I've got a bit of me back.

Now I'm a few years down the line I am overjoyed I had twins. It's fantastic to have two little people at the same stage in development. They are so beautiful they take my breath away.

Firstly I'd say try to stop comparing yourself to others. Easier said than done but it is such a pointless exercise and just makes you feel bad about yourself. Second do something for yourself, whether it's a part time job, some study or something that interests you and isn't kid related. If you get a bit of head space all to yourself you might see things differently

TheShockoftheTwo Mon 05-Oct-09 22:28:46

My boys are 5 months and recently had a wobble about going back to work as it was all exciting in the office and I was concerned that I was missing out, despite loving my boys and spending time with them at home.

I went to visit my workplace and realised that it's really the same old, same old, whereas parenting (twins or otherwise!) is a totally unique experience. I appreciate I am 6 months out of the work environment and you have had more time out, but am sure that you will be able to get back out there in your own time and on your own terms. I feel hopeful that I will, when the time is right.

I guess the thing is that parenthood is an unknown quantity, and that we can't control every element of it, but that's really half the fun too!
www.theshockofthetwo.blogspot.com

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