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Twins moving into their cots

(26 Posts)
plj Mon 20-Oct-08 08:17:01

Am I a terrible mum?

My 6 mthd old twins are/were still sleeping in my room. My DD has just started sleeping through the night so I moved her into her cot and she is fine. My DS was not so happy and was constantly waking up screaming which he had never done before. I was all set to persevere with him, but he got gastroenteritis during the week, so I moved him back into my room. Can't bear to have him in another room when he isn't well. Now the MIL is furious with me and giving me such a hard time. I think she is wearing me down, and I am almost ready to give in and move him to his cot

Have I done the wrong thing? Is the MIL right?

ilove Mon 20-Oct-08 08:19:39

What in blazes has it got to do with MIL?? Tell her to keep her nose out!

throckenholt Mon 20-Oct-08 08:27:44

you have twins - the rule with twins is you do what you need to do to survive the first year - and stuff anyone elses rules !

If it suits you to have him with you - then fine - have him with you - when you are ready you will move him to his own cot - and that is nothing to do with anyone except you and maybe DH - if he takes part in the nighttime care.

Jojay Mon 20-Oct-08 08:30:35

Tell MIL to bog off.

you do what you want to do.

You're hardly going to scar him for life - quite the opposite. Don't let your MIL blow this out of all proportion, it makes perfect sense to me to wait until he's better and I'd do exactly what you're doing grin

plj Mon 20-Oct-08 08:33:23

DP works away on rigs, so MIL thinks this is the green light to take over. I am trying to stick to my guns, but PND and general exhaustion make it hard to keep up the battle

throckenholt Mon 20-Oct-08 08:37:52

PND and new born twins on your own must be a nightmare - but with a bolshy MIL that is enough to push you over the edge.

Does she need to know where he sleeps at night ? If it will shut her up tell him he is in his own cot - and then do whatever you want to do. Does it mean moving his cot to a different room - or do you have a spare in your room ?

plj Mon 20-Oct-08 08:38:18

One of her comments was about splitting the twins up, which has me worried. She said they will have anxiety issues about being apart. Is that true?

bellabelly Mon 20-Oct-08 08:42:36

Of COURSE you are not a terrible mum!

For what it's worth, when we moved our twins to their own cots in their own room, they both went together. But if one or both of them had been upset, we'd have moved them back in with us and waited until later. There are no absolute "rights and wrongs" about any of this stuff - you just need to do what feels right to you, which is exactly what you are doing.

If you want to have one or both of them sleeping in your room, it has NOTHING to do with anyone but you and your DH!

FourArms Mon 20-Oct-08 08:44:05

No, I'm sure he won't because he is still with his mum. Now if you'd said that you'd put one twin in her cot, and sent the other to your MIL I'd be worried wink

bellabelly Mon 20-Oct-08 08:44:14

plj, does your dd seem anxious? or is she sleeping quite happily without her twin there?

You could always move her back in with you too until you feel they're both ready but at 6 months old, plenty of singleton babies sleep in a room on their own just fine, don't they?

plj Mon 20-Oct-08 08:45:09

The cots are in the room next to me,and he is in crib in my room. I hadn't actually considered having his cot in my room. May be a good compromise for just now. Just wish I had the strength to tell her to mind her own, but she is the only 'family' around when DP away.

plj Mon 20-Oct-08 08:48:34

DD seems fine, which is what I am holding on to. I actually think she sleeps better without DS waking her up. DD is quite independant, and I have to admit, DD is a mummy's boy anyway!

bellabelly Mon 20-Oct-08 08:51:05

What worries me about your post is your description of mil being "furious" about this. That is ridiculous. I think it's good (occasionally!) to be given a bit of advice by mums/mils etc who do perhaps have good ideas to share! But for her to be actually getting angry about this is massively overstepping the mark in my opinion. Tell her thanks for the advice but I'm happy with doing it my way for now.

throckenholt Mon 20-Oct-08 08:52:27

well in that case - just tell MIL that you put him in his cot a night - and then have him in the crib if you want to - or move him there if he is unsettled.

If you want to argue the case - you can say him being unsettled is disturbing dd - but I wouldn't bother arguing about it to be honest.

Really - it is not something MIL needs to know - it is you dealing with it in the way that suits you.

As far as separation anxiety - not something anyone knows really for sure. If dd seems ok then she is probably fine. Will they be sharing a room or have one each once you finally move them out of your room ?

plj Mon 20-Oct-08 09:11:06

At the moment, they will share a room, as we only have 1 spare bedroom. We need a bigger house, so when we move the plan is to give them a room each. Even then, I think I may let them share until they are older, if they are not disturbing each other.

Does anyone else have theses issues with their MIL?

Just wish she could be satisfied that she has 2 beautiful, happy and healthy GC.

kristatwin Mon 20-Oct-08 10:05:33

HI, I have twins, and they were both in our room till about 6 months, then i put them in the same cot in there own room till 12 months, only 2 weeks ago did i put them in seperate cots, in the same room as just moved to a bigger house and they have adjusted very well, have you tried putting them to sleep togther just for them to get use to the cot togther, and seperate at a later date, know what you mean about MIL as have the same problem, you dont want to upset them, but mine is constantly wanting to feed them choclate and sweet puddings, and it infurates me !!

plj Mon 20-Oct-08 10:16:03

They slept in crib together when they were first born, but DD soon started demanding her own space away fromm DS. I tried them in a cot together when we first bought them, but DS just wouldn't leave his sis alone! Thay now seem to sleep better apart. TBH the root cause of my issues with the MIL and cots, is that when twins were only 2 mths old, I came home one day to find MIL had gone out and bought the cots and put them up in spare room without my knowledge. Thats when she started her campaign.I was so upset that DP and I hadn't chosen cots together, as I was hoping it would be one of those 'special occasions' that we could share.

freshprincess Mon 20-Oct-08 10:46:08

Sounds like you're doing the right thing to me.

My DTs (now 5) were moved out of our room when they were 6 months (by DH, they'd still be in there now if left to me!!) On a few occasions when one or the other were ill we moved the cot back in. In fact when they had chicken pox when they were 3 one of them slept in our bed for a few days.

It's a tricky situation with MILs. The trade off for her helping and supporting you (which with 6MO twins and PND you really really need) is you putting up with some helpful interfering comments and suggestions. You don't have to take notice of any of it though. Unless she's sleeping at your house then how will she know where they are sleeping? You need to start practising your smiling, nodding "that's a good idea" face.

BTW: would have flipped my lid at the cots though.

kristatwin Mon 20-Oct-08 10:49:15

She seems like she is dictating to much, she had done her mother rearing, i would of been furious, i feel with the choclate thing with my MIL, that i only get one stab at this (as wont be having anymore) and i want to make the mistakes for myself and when i do, i will learn from them, you will only end up really resenting her and when DP comes home, you will spend all your energy rowing about MIL.

I think you need to sit her down and explain your concerns, that i love your advice and help, and i know WE both want the best for the twins, but i'd like to do it my way.

I did that with MIL, and it did seem to work, she now asks if the twins can have choclate rather than just giving it to them, and also part of it is about control, they ARE your children at the end of the day.

plj Mon 20-Oct-08 12:19:04

Thanks for the comments and advice. I know that I am going to have to sit down and talk to her soon, as the resentment is already building. DP does know what she can be like, and he has the 'smiling, nodding, thats a good idea face' down to a fine art. May need to get him to give me some lessons.

MIL did the same with the buggy and bouncy chairs as she did with the cots. She had been out and got the buggy before I had even started looking.

kristatwin Mon 20-Oct-08 12:52:16

Really, i find that quite strange, that might be why she feels she can dictate, because she has bought those things, the only upside to this is that it will of saved you a small fortune, how far does she live from you !!

Jojay Mon 20-Oct-08 12:54:21

She sounds very controlling.

Could your DP talk to her? He's his mother after all, but she needs to understand that she's overstepping the mark.

coochybottom Mon 20-Oct-08 13:06:29

I can remember my MIL looking in absolute horror when I weaned my twins from the same bowl with the same spoon!!I had found it such a faff using bowl/spoon each I thought sod it, do whats easiest. I think if you havent had twins dont comment because it is a whole new ball game compared with having one. I can also remember in the supermarket some old dear commenting when my two were belting each other. "Oh twins shouldnt be doing that should they!" Why not, just cos they were born at the same time doesnt make them different to "normal" siblings. If anything probs do it more.

plj Mon 20-Oct-08 16:20:28

I can't deny that the twins want for nothing as far as the MIL is concerned. I have always been grateful for anything she has bought for us. I think my nose is out of joint because as a first time mum (and last time mum) I imagined my DP and I buying the buggy etc together, and sharing that experience. After all, I won't get that chance again. I feel she has taken experiences from me that I can't get back. Maybe I ned to let things like that go, but I find it hard to. I do agree though, that unless someone has twins they can't possibly know what it is like. I wasn't even prepared for 1-never mind 2!!

DP doesn't like to rock the boat-he is very much a mummy's boy-even now at 36. Quite sad really.

throckenholt Mon 20-Oct-08 16:51:43

to be honest I wouldn't be too bothered about not getting to buy things for them - but I would say please don't just go out and buy something - because I need to be able to think how best to use something and what I need.

Time to start asserting yourself in a non-confrontational way - and let her know that while her input is welcome - you are the one making the final decisions.

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