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One clingy twin, one independent...

(17 Posts)
hattyyellow Thu 14-Feb-08 15:40:59

Hi all,

As babies, one of my twin girls was much more clingy, cried much more easily, was happiest when picked up and carried around all the time.

Other was much more mellow, liked cuddles but quite happy to get on with her own little games (trying to grab feet etc). Therefore when they were tiny she got less cuddles I guess because I would go to her sister who cried hysterically the minute she woke from a nap/was hungry/tired etc..

Recently, the clingier twin has become much more clingy again. I'm happy to cuddle her and I enjoy it- but I feel bad because it feels like I'm always cuddling her and that shes getting a lot more of my time and affection because she runs up and demands it!

I try and pro-actively cuddle her sister but she likes to do things in her own time and if I don't choose a time when she wants to be cuddled then she doesn't want to be cuddled.

I know it sounds as if they are both happy in their own way - but I feel bad! It's bringing back some of the "twin guilt" of when they were small - that I should be equally distributing my time, my cuddles - that they should be getting more like half my time each for being carried about and cuddled..

Can anyone make sense of this ramble and help me sort this out in my head! I'm always anxious that I'm somehow going to screw my non-clingy twin up by not cuddling her enough..she does seem a happy and independent little soul though..

They are now 2.6.

ishouldbeironing Thu 14-Feb-08 15:51:32

I could have written this thread !
My DDS are almost 13 and one of them has always been clingy -from day one.
I felt that I spent the first year holding DT1 much more than her sister.
How have they turned out?
Well DDT1 is still much more clingy and DT2 is much more independent and happy to be left to her own devices - in fact she is starting to push me away.
DT2 has not lost out and has simply not needed me in the same way that her sister has.
I used to feel guilty and actually remebering apologising to DT2 when she was a year old because I felt that she had missed out grin but she hasnt - she just needed me in different ways.
HTH

hattyyellow Mon 18-Feb-08 14:42:08

Thank you, this is really reassuring. Dh also says that that is just the way our girls are and they are happy in their own way, asking for as little or much contact and cuddles as they need..must be a common twin parent thing to desperately want to be fair in every way!

tkband3 Mon 18-Feb-08 16:44:12

My DTs are 2.11 and it always seems that one is more clingy than the other. But it's not consistently the same one - every so often they switch personalities smile, just to keep me on my toes I'm sure! DT1 is generally more confident than DT2, but at the moment, partly because she's under the weather, she's needing more attention than DT2.

Come and join us on the regular thread. I'm sure this is a problem all twin mums have gone through at some point - and we all know about the multiple mum guilt thing grin.

Meeely2 Mon 18-Feb-08 16:51:13

my dt's switched personalities....i had a screamer and a watcher. The screamer got most of my attention, the watcher was just happy to watch. As they got older, the screamer got quieter as he realised life was more fun now he could do stuff by himself. The watcher is still a watcher, but he is now a whinger and wants to be cuddled LOADS and only by me not his dad. They are 3 now.

My screamer, I have to say has turned into a cheeky but also warm hearted toddler. If mummy is stressed about anything, he is my peacemaker, the watcher will go out of his way to wind me up....very very different little boys. I just dish out cuddles when they are required and stand back when they are not. Do not feel guilty you are doing you very bestest at raising two very lovely little children.

Beckster99 Sat 23-Feb-08 01:51:22

Found this interestimg, my twins are only 10 weeks old and one requires more attention than the other so try hard to share my love but difficult.

Reassured that this is normal and looking forward to seeing how their personalities develop!

MommaFeelgood Sat 23-Feb-08 01:55:47

Message withdrawn

kateri Thu 28-Feb-08 01:21:17

Same here - my boy twin is much clingier than his sister, who rarely seem to "need" me at all, and is much more independent. (6 months) Guess it's just one of those things.

hattyyellow Thu 06-Mar-08 16:19:58

Cheers all, reassuring to know that it's not just me!

jocat Sun 16-Mar-08 21:16:59

Am brand spanking new to mumsnet and webchats so please bear with me! What does DT mean by the way.
Am so so happy (sorry!)to see other twinners have the same probs as me ie clingy v non clingy. My two seem to take it in turns as to who is going to be clingy although my boy is definatly the clingier of the two and has been since birth. But I am forever feeling guilty about never being able to divide my attention and cuddles equally too. Is it just a twin thing?

sandyballs Mon 17-Mar-08 22:16:32

This seems to be quite a common thing with twins. My girls are 7 now and one is still forever throwing herself at me and smothering me with love and kisses whilst her sister never comes near us for affection unless we beg her. I used to feel guilty and almost physically push the clingy one away to focus on her sister. But like you say, they are both happy, just have different needs. It's fascinating isn't it, twins!

jocat Tue 18-Mar-08 14:46:47

good attitude sandyballs will remind myself of it when the inevitable guilt sets in!

Overrun Tue 18-Mar-08 14:54:59

A really interesting thread, when my dts were babies dt1 was screamed and screamed (he had terribly colic bless him) but even when this settled down he was quite demanding of my time. I find it quite hard, feeling like I was not giving enough time to dt2. Every time I picked him up, dt1 would start howling about something.

Now at 3.4 the screaming dt1 is still quite loud and insistent about wanting my attention, but in some ways much easier to mollify and pretty outgoing. While my calm baby dt2 has turned into a very emotionally volatile clingy child. He is awful at sharing, and says the classic "my mummy not your mummy" a hundred times a day.

Reading this thread, has reassured me in a way, that he is not like this because of being virtually ignored until the age of 9 months grin

RHWill Wed 11-Nov-09 14:10:58

This is a really intersting thread for me too as I came looking for some answers to "Clingyness" and found this not expecting the twin issue to come up.
I have twin girls just over 2 years. T2 was vocal in demanding attention in her first year, and probably got more of it, now T2 has really gone overboard in clinging on.
Literally on Sunday if I put her down for more than 3 seconds she would cry. My instinct is to go with it and cuddle her as much as possible to make her confident - but I dont know if I am actually not helping her. T2 now is very sociable and happy but I also feel guilt about not giving her so much attention. T1, the clingy one almost seems 3 months younger than her sister, as though they are going through their development paths at really different rates.
I wonder if there are similarities with you Overrun?

kathryn2804 Wed 11-Nov-09 18:05:44

Mine tend to take it in turns. Every stage of development, they tend to swap. Definite phases.

BenandSue Thu 12-Nov-09 10:45:17

I feel exactly the same with my twins. DT1 is the clingy one - won't let me do any housework or even go to the toilet without kicking up a fuss some days. DT2 is more chilled although they do swap personalities sometimes just to confuse me I'm sure.

I used to feel very guilty about this and bore my husband silly worrying about whether I was being fair etc. But, as previous posters say, I think each twin needs you in different ways and it's best to just go with the flow and not beat yourself up about it.

I think the fact that you have worried about it shows that you are trying to be the best parent you can be.

RHWill Thu 12-Nov-09 14:04:12

Thanks BenandSue - what a nice thing to say

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