Does it really get better?

[Xanthe123]

I have DCDA twins who are nearly six months old and a 2.5 year old. The twins were a total shock, none in the family, no fertility treatment, just one of those things. From the moment I found out it was twins I was so anxious (in fact, totally miserable). Everyone said it would get better once they were here, then, as they got older etc etc. While it’s not as horrendous as it was for the first twelve weeks, the most I can say is at best it’s not awful. I still hate having twins. I don’t see how there is any benefit to it. I’ve done everything possible to give them the same as my first (same kind of birth, still breastfeeding them etc etc) and I try to get time with each of them but it is just so fricking hard and with all my attempts to bond with them I don’t feel anything like I did with my first. Today a friend told me she was pregnant with her second- just one baby- and I just felt so so jealous - for the joy of just having one baby at a time and getting to enjoy it. Instead of this perpetual firefighting circus that is my life where I can’t pick up one without feeling tense that the other is about to start screaming. I have a few friends who have also had twins but they all seem to be taking it in their stride- it feels like it’s just me who hates hates hates it. So I guess my question is does it really get better? And if so, when? Because six months in I find it absolutely miserable.

[neversleepagain]

I found it miserable too but my twins were my first (and only) dc so I had no comparison. I honestly thought I had made the biggest mistake ever and was very down at many points of their infancy.

My girls are 8 soon and yes, many parts are wonderfully better and some are worse. Overall, it fills me with happiness to watch them together, they really are close. In every difficult part of their lives, they have each other and it takes away some stress and worry from me. Their teacher said to me at parents evening that they joyfully celebrate each others success and that they are "each others biggest supporters". Can you imagine having someone who cheers you on during every single part of your childhood? It must be wonderful having a twin.

Op, it will get better in so many ways

[Xanthe123]

@neversleepagain thank you. This was really helpful xx

[RubySlippers77]

Honestly @Xanthe123, I think even your friends having just one baby will find it difficult if they already have a toddler!! Lots of mums that I met when my DTs were babies said to me "I have no idea how you managed with two" when they had their second. So you are a superhero straight away!

My DTs are 4 now and I've been on here many times for help and support. You are doing brilliantly especially with an older DC too! In RL do you have many people who could help; family, friends, Home Start etc? I think I struggled (and sometimes still struggle) more because I don't have family nearby and DP isn't particularly supportive. If you have anyone who can lend a hand though, please do make the most of it, even if it's just to give you a break for half an hour. And do feel free to call Twins Trust as often as you like for a rant/ to ask for ideas - they are great, all the parents have been there, and they're happy to just have a chat with you if that's all you'd like.

As I say mine are still too young I think to compare, but I know one lady who had one DC and then DTs with a similar age gap to yours. She found it much easier by the time the DTs were 3 or 4, and having an older DC helped too - she loved having a little gang of her own!

Sending anyway, and a big hug. It is tough, but please do take lots of photos (even on the bad days!) as one day you will want to remember how little and cute they were!

[Taneve]

Hi @Xanthe123,
I can relate I have 3mth old DCDA boy twins. They were a total surprise I found out I was pregnant and then found out I was expecting twins. Initially I thought I would miscarry as twins dont survive on my side of the family. But by 5months I embraced the pregnancy and prepared as much as possible. I dont have much Family support as I live in Bedfordshire and Family are in London. So it's me and my OH. And boi!! Now that they are here it is so hard. I have an older boy (10yo) and I expected challenges but as I read your post I know exactly how you feel. At times I honestly feel I could smash 1 of the twin against the wall as he is a serious handful with constant crying/screaming and barely sleeping with the need to sleep in hand while the other twin is really a sweetie and easy to deal with, I just feel guilty as I dont get much time to bond with him and then there is my older Son where I feel even more guilty as he was use to having me to himself and now I dont have time to for him as the twins are so demanding. my partner does he fair dues and supports as best as he can but he has work and there has been many of nights he would stay up to 3-4am trying to settle the twins after feeds, sleep 3hrs and then go to work looking exhausted. Our relationship has suffered majorly as we are constantly tired and short with one another. I am trying to get it together and start a routine but nothing works with these boys.
I'm also going through each day waiting for things to get better but it doesn't seem to be anytime soon. @Xanthe123 please do not feel alone in your thoughts and feelings for I for 1 totally understand and can only encourage you as I too wait for it all to get better.

[Taytotots]

My twins are my only children so can't imagine how hard it is for you at the moment with a toddler as well. I certainly found it much easier when they were old enough to play a bit with each other - i guess around 18 months/2 years. In some ways I think it was easier than having one then as they occupied each other a bit. This has continued and they are great company for each other still now at 7 -when they are not trying to kill each other--.

[SinkGirl]

Honestly, the first 12-18 months are really tough. Just as they move out of one really rough stage you enter another - when they get mobile, when they get walking, when they start climbing etc.

My twins are 3.5 now and all the twin mums I know are so much happier than we all were when they were babies. Their twins play together and do all those things we were promised would make it all worthwhile. My twins are both autistic, with other disabilities for one of them, so they can’t talk and they don’t interact with each other and I’m still finding it extremely tough. I can see for my friends though that it all started getting better once they learnt some words and communication skills.

Hang in there - I have very happy memories of 6-18 months too, not too many of the first six months but I was so exhausted I can barely remember it!

[CritterTamer]

I have DCDA b/g twins, and the first 5 months were the hardest (and also the best) time of my life! At 5/6 months a turning point came in their sleep patterns and they started to wake together during the night, rather than one after the other, and things became SO much better. Having 3 hours of sleep per night rather than 45 minutes was a game changer and I really started to enjoy them 😊 my little boy is much harder work than his sister but now they are 10 months old and we have routines that work, and they sleep through for the most part. I absolutely love having twins now and would do it again (they are IVF babies and we have two frozen embryos left to use), except for the fear of a repeat of the traumatic delivery that almost cost the three of us or lives. At 10 months they are already interacting and entertaining each other which makes my life a little easier, and I could watch them n together for hours 😂

[Bettyboop82]

In all honesty no, it doesn’t get easier, it just gets ‘different’. Mine have just turned 3 and fight for my undivided attention all day long and are super clingy. However, I wouldn’t change a thing and am due to have a thrift in a few months so I must be mad!

[Bettyboop82]

Third I mean

[ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal]

You're right in the thick of it now. I struggled so, so much. I still do but they are 3.5 now and they are much, much easier than when they were babies - right from when they were old enough to understand, if they can physically do something then they will - they can get their own drinks, put their own shoes on, get dressed and undressed etc. Every little thing they can do takes the pressure off me a bit. Hang on in there. I can certainly relate to feeling miserable and feeling jealous about people with one baby. But you will get through it, one day/hour even one minute at a time. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but they do play together now and it's lovely to see.

[crazychemist]

No personal experience, but have been chatting to a friend who has non-identical twins (basically desperately quizzing her as she seems to cope so well and I’m terrified of what life is going to be like when mine arrive!) and an older child. She said it was insanely hard for the first 6 months and she thought she was going to crack several times. The next 6 months were tough but manageable. Now the twins are 16 months and she says it’s really magical how they interact with their older sister and each other, and that now she just can’t imagine her family any other way. She says it’s so much easier now and that although she has to go with the flow because of nappies/naps etc, she really enjoys it. When I told her I was expecting twins, she cried - she said she was so happy that we were going to get to experience what she experienced, but to be ready for the toughest year ever first.

From the sounds of it, you’re in the trenches now. I don’t envy you! Frankly, I’m still terrified about how I’ll cope. But hopefully you’ll find it like she did, and in a year’s time will be finding it the best time of your life.

[Mumoftwo1994]

Honestly, I love my girls (They’re 4 months old) but it’s hard and sometimes I sit there and just think why am I doing this?. I feel awful for thinking that way and I’ve never said it out loud because I just couldn’t bear the looks and reactions I’d get. So I can’t advise on if it will get better because I’m still in the relatively early part but I really hope it does get better. For your sake and mine.