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Any tips for not comparing?(10 Posts)
One of my twins is meeting all milestones before the other. I’m finding this twin easier to deal with/be around and I’m getting frustrated with the other. Both are way behind my older DC. Any tips on how to stop this comparison cycle?
My dh is very guilty of preferring the ‘easier’ twin, and (although I won’t admit it) I can kind of see why.
I think that everyone has their time. One is easier now and the other might be in the future.
Accept it and own it. The angst and contortions involved in trying not to compare will be worse in the long run.
As Isawthat says they will change over time.
I openly compared meaningless things too, eg you have darker hair and you have darker eyes. And you are better at climbing and you are better at balancing.
I know the feeling all too well. Twin A (a boy) had open lesion spina bifida. Twin B (a girl) was fine. Yet I constantly quietly compared him to her a lot when they were infants and fussed over his obvious gross motor delays too. It was clear from the outset to me. He clearly lagged behind her in terms of physical development. My insecurity bubbled up inside of me. What sort of milestones are you referring to?
His lovely Portage physical therapist had to reassure me that all would be fine eventually. On the day of his clubbed feet operation, I was a nervous wreck. When he got his first ever wheelchair at one year old, I internally panicked inside even though I knew deep down why he needed it. At the park I sat there on the grass with him while she ran about. It would strike me in the face. I was a mom of a special needs kid. That fact was painful. Still is.
Now I believe in him and am at peace with his diagnosis and what it means. It will all workout.
It’s normal to compare and it happens with siblings who aren’t twins so don’t give yourself too much of a hard time over it! Also, I had one twin who was ‘easy’ as a baby and toddler, and one who regularly had epic tantrums. I certainly remembered having a preference in practical terms but that didn’t affect the deeper bond - both my lovely babies iykwim - and now they are 15 and they have survived and thrived because at the end of the day they know they are loved and I think about what I do as a parent because I want to get it as right as I can for them. It sounds to me that you are doing the same, and that is awesome
One of my DTs has epic tantrums too! They are 4.5yo now and he still hasn't grown out of them I suspect he has some form of ASD but can't get any further with a diagnosis at the moment. I'm really hoping that he is the easier twin at some point as it does make me want to spend less time with him, DTS2 is generally more placid and better company. It does make me feel awful and (like @Isawthathaggis) I wouldn't tell anyone in RL, but DTS1 can just be such an utter pain for no apparent reason.
I would say @okayokaywhatsnext that I try to find small things to enjoy about both of them; DTS1 is very affectionate and I know he can't help his issues. I often try to remember "comparison is the thief of joy" to make myself feel a bit better about it!
How far "behind" is your "tough" twin OP?
My girl is so much sharper and faster than her brother - they are only 2y3m - but as they grow, he increasingly has other strengths. She is advanced, and tough, and independent - but he's turning out to be a great brother because he goes with the flow more - and now he has got over the issues related to his birth, he is a sunny little fellow with a social personality.
He is "behind" - he is nowhere near speaking in sentences, walks funny etc etc - but he is getting his own little groove on.
Ruby I started to worry something was not as it should be over the meltdowns. They seemed to happen in the threshold of doorways - I’d be trying to walk into a toddler group or a coffee morning with two toddlers (no buggy rule such a fucking pain with two) and the minty twin would just drop to the floor and start making goat noises!! I am not ashamed to admit I learned to step over him and leave him to it. My lovely mum friends were all mother duck types (towards me!) and it gave me the confidence to completely ignore it. What I found was he would go ballistic if I tried to curtail or comfort him, but if ignored he would self soothe after a few minutes then get up and potter about fine. As an older child he is very much able to emotionally regulate and is very laid back. Interestingly his ‘placid and easier’ brother is the more anxious of the two (only mildly but still). Turns out he is a classic people pleaser and the meltdown boy genuinely couldn’t give a fuck about others opinions.
@trashcanjunkie I can certainly empathise with those meltdowns!! DTS1 has always had issues with his temper/ controlling his reactions - the HV told me it was because his hearing was poor, but nothing seems to have changed since he had grommets fitted - he will still lash out with not much provocation and yes, still has massive temper tantrums. I often feel sorry for DTS2 as I just have such a short fuse nowadays after almost 5 years of squabbles, lack of sleep, tantrums etc...
Interesting about the more laid back twin being a people pleaser; DTS2 is a much sunnier character and makes friends much more easily. I think DTS1 will be more like your DTS1 and do what he wants!
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