DD Twins - feeling sad at birth experience(13 Posts)
My DD twins are now 6 weeks old. They were born at 33 weeks as one of the babies wasn’t growing properly.
I had always planned on a C Section but ended up having an urgent section. It all happened so quickly I didn’t have time to take it all in.
Our DD’s were born & were whisked away 10 seconds later to NICU. Due to me having the section I didn’t see them for another 7-8 hours.
They remained in hospital for 3 weeks before we were discharged. I’m having periods of being emotional about not having contact with them straight away and having “that” huge surge of love that I was expecting to have. I was stuck on a labour ward for 3 days surrounded by mothers who had their babies. I had to sit there in hell on my own until my DH returned to the hospital to take me up the 2 floors to where my girls were. Then when I did see them I had to ask for permission to touch them. All the things that I should have been doing for my babies a nurse was doing instead.
I realise that we were luckier than a lot of people in that we were home after 3 weeks but I have this overwhelming feeling or sadness that I didn’t bond with my babies straight away. Of course I do love my girls but I sometimes wonder if they know I’m their mum given how many different people were looking after them at first.
I’ve been feeling so good for the last few weeks but have been feeling very emotional in the last few days. I was looking back at pictures when they were first born, to my surprise when I look back at pictures of them in the incubators I got very distressed and couldn’t look anymore.
Can anyone give me any advice on moving on from these feelings?
I had a textbook birth with dd1, full term, skin to skin the whole shebang. I didn't bond in any way for at least 6 weeks. Felt only a duty of care etc. Never felt a rush of love. Just realised one day that it wasn't so bad and I loved her. It doesn't happen for everyone straight away.
That surge of love doesn't happen for everyone OP. In fact I'd say it doesn't happen more than it does. Don't fixate on it - enjoy the process of slowly falling in love with your girls. It will happen bit by bit, more every day, and it's wonderful.
Also textbook birth with both dds, but it turns out I’m just not a baby person. At 6 and nearly 2 they are soooo much more fun and interactive. As babies, or at least till 6 months when you start getting reactions out if them - meh, I could kind of not really get why people love babies so much. I’m certainly a toddler upwards kind of person!!
When my ds1 was born, he was a stranger. I didn't recognise him and I had to get to know him slowly just like I would anyone else.
I think I’m just a little traumatised by the whole thing, especially the worry of being in NICU. I’m associating that with the bonding and assuming that if I had a more straight forward birth then I would be finding things easier now
I had similar with mine - 1 twin was taken to NICU, the other to SCBU and I was unwell too and taken to a separate recovery ward. They also stuck me in a double room with a woman who had just given birth and had her baby with her so I was alone with neither of my two babies - they were not together either (I had said that if I couldn't be with them I just wanted to know they were together but no we ended up in 3 different places!) and I had to stay up crying as quietly as I could listening to the other lady and her baby all night - she's actually become a friend of mine and we still speak a few years later.
Once we were home and properly settled and left alone to our own devices those feelings of sadness over the whole thing went away but now I'm pregnant again I get quite upset about it all over again!
I had an emlscs for my second DC and didn't give a stuff about my baby for almost a week.
It will come and they do know you're their Mummy. They won't remember any of this.
Have you asked for a debrief to help you come to terms with things a bit more?
My eldest DS was born at 34 weeks. I held him for less than 30 seconds before he was whisked off and then I was isolated for a week (I was ill but they didn't know what). He spent 3 days in a completely different hospital! When he was back the nurses wheeled him, in his incubator, down to my room so I could see him through the window of my room. It took me a long time to get over this but the love was immediate.
My second DC was with me immediately but it took me months to bond and feel love.
I wouldn't be without either of them and I know I live them and they love me.
You have to give yourself time.
That sounds pretty traumatic, on top of the usual shock of oh damn it’s a baby. I didn’t have a straightforward labour, but I felt it was a strongly positive experience. I would say that I didn’t feel that rush of love until my son was about a year old. I remember at around 6 weeks, I was talking with my partner about how we were doing and he asked what I thought when I looked at our son. I said I just thought ‘it’s a baby’. And I did. I take/took good care of him, we are strongly bonded and it wasn’t like I had a bad time (all the time). But I didn’t feel that consuming love then.
I think when you’re ready, it might be good to look into ways of processing your experience as mentioned up thread. Frankly though, 6 weeks post birth I was all over the place and that was with a baby who came at term, didn’t spend time in Nicu etc. My mum said to me something along the lines of ‘it’s ok, we all just go a bit strange in the early newborn days’. I think she’s right. It’s ok for you to have these feelings, if you can find a way to be with them right now I think that might be more helpful than moving on. 6 weeks is nothing to the emotional journey you’ve been on.
I had a very similar experience to you but wasn't twins - 3 weeks in ITU etc etc.
I didn't get that rush of love until about 4 months really I eventually "self-diagnosed" myself as having suffered from a bit of PTSD (NOT PND)!
@didihearthatright123456 you are their Mum. Their only Mum. The staff in NICU will have cared for them very well and made sure that they had their needs met, but they weren't loving them, they weren't snuggling them. You have been doing that.
The reason they settle with you is that they know your heartbeat - they had it with them for 9 months in the womb. They smell you and they knew it's you - they don't need to use their eyes. You give them what they need most of all.
The rush of love is rubbish. It isn't necessary or even 'usual', love is something that grows.
OP I can’t imagine that, sounds so emotional. I can really put myself in your shoes and imagine how upsetting it must be to think you didn’t get chance to be the one holding them from the off. But you have to think that you were doing what was best for them at the time and so you were involved in some way. You brought them safely into the world and then made sure they were kept safe and well and I imagine when you did get to hold them and take them home it must have been very special.
As others have said love/bonding doesn’t always happen straight away. I was worried I wouldn’t feel love as I struggled in my pregnancy to imagine loving this baby growing in me, even despite all that when she arrived it was just love at first sight. I am having my second in July, I hope to experience the same but you just never know. I am anxious because this will be a boy and my first was a girl. I am worried I won’t bond the same as I did with my daughter.. silly really but you have these worries and thoughts.
You just need to give it time, and if you are really concerned you can always speak to your HV or Dr for advice. X
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