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Reassurance please - feeling very overwhelmed

(9 Posts)
Runningbutnotscared Sun 03-Feb-19 19:58:10

I’m unexpectedly pregnant with non-identical twins, I already have two children (4 & 2), I’m old (and feeling older by the day) and I live at the other end of the country from my friends and family.
I’m only 11 weeks along, so very early, but I am wondering how people cope with twins? And how they have enough energy to give enough attention to their other children?

Before July I have to change car, change house, prepare my eldest (who has very mild SEN) for siblings and starting school.

I could just cry.

minisoksmakehardwork Sun 03-Feb-19 20:09:00

@Runningbutnotscared, your story is similar to mine. My twins are now 6. Older two are 8 and 10. 8yo has adhd.

Are you a single parent?

You cope because, well you just do. The wheels would fall off if we didn't!

Time and attention for the others is always a work in progress as ds1 takes up as much time and energy as the others all out together. It helps when you have friends and family who can step in and grab a child for an hour or two and absolutely gets easier as the twins get older and make their own friends.

Given you have no close by support network I would be contacting the hv team to ask about things like homestart and other organisations who can give you a hand or a break, especially with your Sen child.

Authenticcelestialmusic Sun 03-Feb-19 20:17:15

Hi running, my 3rd baby was twins - so became babies 3 and 4. I too was overwhelmed. We had to change our car, luckily the house was big enough.
What support do you have close by? Can you move back?
I really recommend you look locally for a multiples group and ask if you can attend now. The multiples group near us is fantastic and pregnant mothers do sometimes attend.

I won’t lie the first year is tough. I spent the first year constantly feeding. But we planned low key days out and actually did a fair bit, mainly English heritage and national trust as plenty of space to run, picnic and feed! These days out helped keep me sane. We actually went camping when they were 6 months and they slept pretty well and I think all enjoyed it.

You will manage but may have to compromise on standards. We try and carve out special time for each of them where we do something alone.
The first year was a bit of a blur but it’s been fantastic really. It does get easier too. I genuinely look at photos of things I have forgotten I did in that first 12 months.

Runningbutnotscared Sun 03-Feb-19 20:21:38

@minisoksmakehardwork thank you for replying. Good to hear from someone who has gone down this road.
I’m not a single parent, I have a lovey husband who is travelling for work at the moment, he’ll be back next month for a while. When he’s here he works longs hours although he’s always available to text and a quick phone call if I need it.

Sadly I’m very much on my own, no family or friends to step in. I asked the hv (I even made a special trip because I’ve not had much call for a hv before) who advised me there is nothing in my area to help.
The council is broke, really really broke.
I am lucky enough that my husband earns enough to not claim any benefits, so any help the HV could offer we don’t qualify for. But also we are broke, so I can’t afford anything like a mother’s help or cleaner.
I’ll have to buy new car seats, and a new car to fit everyone in.
And I’ll have to pay a dog walker to take out the dog because I know I’ll struggle getting a toddler and two newborns out for two long walks a day.
I’m just having a pity party aren’t I?

minisoksmakehardwork Sun 03-Feb-19 20:38:32

Its not true that help isn't available if you don't claim benefits. It's how helpful your HV is! Ours arranged for dts to qualify for 15 hours free childcare from 2 instead of 3 years because of being a multiple birth, a (undiagnosed at the time) Sen child in the family, and the increased risk those factors posed to my mental health. The subsequent ones were a lot less helpful though. Maybe her being a twin mum herself had helped.

And it's ok to have a pity party. I laughed and cried hysterically at the news. Then completely freaked out about how much everything was going to cost, whether we would cope or not. The higher incidence of divorce in parents of young multiples compared to the rest of the population.

But it all kind of worked out. I did have to give up work as childcare would have crippled us. We managed in a 2 bed mid terrace for far too long. 4 kids in one room!!

Our belts might be a bit tight but we can still manage to send the dc to a couple of extra curricular clubs each.

Dh's work means he works nights one week in 8, but has a week off straight afterwards so the dc get to spend a reasonable amount of time with him.

There used to be a grant first time parents could apply for. I don't know if it still exists but we did qualify for it as an exceptional case (that being a multiple birth). It paid for the double buggy. That was information my hv gave me.

Have a look at Tamba and see if there are any multiples groups in your area. They are a wealth of support and information.

Authenticcelestialmusic Sun 03-Feb-19 20:40:12

I’ve PM’d you

MrHaroldFry Sun 03-Feb-19 20:59:39

I found TAMBA really helpful.
https://www.tamba.org.uk/support-menu

littlebillie Sun 03-Feb-19 21:07:37

Have you joined local MN group there is normally support there I found it too late

minglemoo Mon 04-Feb-19 13:19:40

My first babies were boy girl twins. They are nearly 1 now. I was so scared ! At least you are already a parent and know what to do. It's just like that really , but I imagine faster paced.
Few things I've learned over the year that might prepare you -

I am not supermum - take all the help you can get. That doesn't mean you can't handle it but why make it harder on yourself.

Someones I have to be hard there's no room for feeding on demand , sleeping on demand. Get them on a schedule!

Remember the universe is working in your favour. It will change your life for the best but you have to work with it.

Bless you. You will be 100% fine! I promise!

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