Advice needed on how to get through this

[LL82]

Hi there
This is my first post on mumsnet and need help!!
I am currently nearly 9 weeks pregnant having had IVF. At the 6 week scan I found out it was twins. My partner was not at all happy about it, just wanting one, but by the end of the day and after talking to my parents, calmed down and seemed excited for about a week.
However for the last week he has been freaking out again and is not being supportive and basically horrified at the idea of twins and doesn’t want them and wants to end it.
He is really struggling to get his head around it and I’m struggling to support him too and keep reassuring him. I’m worried we may separate and this is obviously causing me a lot of worry and heartache as I have longed for a baby for years.
I also still feel in limbo until I get to 12 week scan as it still doesn’t feel totally real so I feel I can’t relate until that point.
Any advice on how to get through this??
I’m hoping it’s sheer panic and being overwhelmed, and he has a tendancy to do this, but it’s making life very tough.
Many thanks xxx

[Iwantaunicorn]

Could you book a private scan? I had one at 9 weeks in the epu, and I heard their heartbeats for the first time, it’s my second favourite thing I’ve ever heard (first being them!) and made it much more real for us.

What is it your dp is struggling with? The idea of twins in general, finances, etc?

Look after yourself, hopefully your dp just needs a bit of time to wrap his head round the idea. Twins are bloody awesome, and congratulations to you both!

[Astrid2]

Surely he knew twins were a possibility with ivf? You couldn't possibly end the pregnancy after going through IVF could you??

[Dennishoppersocks]

Your partner needs to go and get some counselling. Twins is a HUGE possibility with IVF which he must have known when he signed the paperwork.

What’s he suggesting? Foetal reduction? He sounds like an awful fool.

[Passingwords]

Congratulations- when we had a bad day I just said we don’t ever have to repeat it with twins, instant family-they are very special, embrace it. Join TAMBA, look up & go to local twins groups. He sounds scared, it’s the quickest way to start a family, just a bit full on but you can only go so much in a day, you’ll be fine. Pm me if you wish

[Lime123]

My husband was similar. He wasn’t at the scan (a private one I had paid for because I had started bleeding at 7 weeks and the nhs were slow). I was told it was twins and that was reason for bleeding. I told him on phone and to be honest he totally freaked out. He was beyond worried mainly about money, impact on our son, my mental health and how we would cope. It was a horrid time. Anyway... the bleeding carried on. We had lost one twin by the time the next scan came. And we were told we had suffered a “vanishing twin”. The bleeding then went really bad and I just knew it was over. A scan confirmed that both twins had died by week 10. I’ve never seen my husband so upset. He was present at that scan. He was broken. Something he didn’t want at start was over in the most hideous way. He cried more than me I swear!

Fast forward 2 months and I got pregnant again! Hooray! And I went to the scan alone again (he was looking after our other child).... it was only twins again!!!!

They are now 4 months old and he’s a great dad. We have hard days but it’s ok generally. I’m sure he’s just scared and overwhelmed. He will get used to the idea.

[Newbabies15]

Do what you want to do op. Your husband should support you. He sounds scared and doubts his abilities to look after twins. He will be fine. You should contact TAMBA they are really good and will have suggestions for you.

[Newbabies15]

Congratulations btw my twins are 6 months and I wouldn't change it for the world.

[Twinmumessex]

I totally understand where your husband is coming from. My twins are also IVF. After previously saying all the way through treatment that they would only ever put one embryo back due to my age and it being my first round, at the very last minute they decided to put 2 back in. My husband wasn’t present at the transfer (I wasn’t expecting any complications!) so I had to make the decision alone and I was told it was a 5% chance both would stick. I would lay awake most nights during the 2ww panicking about my decision. I found out at the 7 week scan that it was twins and cried non stop for 3 days, then on and off for 3 weeks. I was terrified about the health implications, the higher risk of miscarriage, potential early birth, financial issues, logistical issues etc etc. Added to all that was the guilt that I’d had successful IVF and wasn’t 100% over the moon about it!
I then had a bit of epiphany that I wasn’t the first person in the world to have twins, gave myself a stern talking to and calmed down a bit. I joined TAMBA, signed up for their Parenting course and Antenatal class, found a local twin club, joined some forums, started to read some twin specific books and meet up with some old colleagues that had twins. I really felt that being proactive and making plans helped calm me down and think logically rather than just going down an anxiety rabbit hole.
My twins are now 1 year old. I had some complications in later pregnancy, they were born early and spent time in hospital. One year on, they still don’t sleep through consistently and we’re still plagued by financial worries (we had only ever planned one baby and do not have the house/money to live very comfortably with two!). BUT it’s honestly the best decision I’ve made. Yes, the tough days are double tough - two teething babies, two poorly babies, two babies that do not sleep - it’s definitely twice as hard. But really the good times (of which there are many!) are double the fun. Me and my husband often say how boring just one baby would be! It gets easier as they get older and start to play with each other and in the hardest times my mantra has always been ‘I NEVER have to do this again, this is just a moment in time.’
Your husband will come round, it’s obviously just a huge thing for him to get his head around. Once you get past that 12 week hurdle, give him some proactive Jon’s to do (pram buying, nursery decorating etc) which will hopefully keep him occupied and also get him excited! It’s a long 9 months so plenty time for him to get used to the idea.
Good luck and congratulations! Xx

[Newbabies15]

My twins sleep through. Don't panic. And it's not double the work - the nappies are out already. You just have to change 2.

[LL82]

Thank you every for your responses. The last few weeks have been tough. I stayed at my parents for a bit for us to have some space and now I’m abroad with my sisters. He admitted he has not coped well with it and feels totally unprepared etc and is very worried about financial situation. But in our last chat he seemed to be coming round to it all however in all of this he has said some horrible things which have hurt. This was also our 2nd ivf go, I put 2 back last time and didn’t work...so this is a blessing but also he didn’t come to transfer.
To complicate things further my brother and gf announced their pregnancy this week and are d course thrilled and just a few weeks ahead but it starkly contrasts to what I’m going through!! My 12 wk scan is next week, so nothing definiate yet anyway, but I feel like I’m showing already esp in the evening and then I panic about the reality of twins, carrying them, working, getting the house ready, the birth , etc etc but because of having to deal with the other half and his anxieties and issues, I’m not getting to deal with mine!!!!! Argh!

[LL82]

Also I know he is being a d!&k....I go through phases of resenting him and thinking how can he do this to me but also feel sorry for me, as he won’t talk to anyone, he is closer to my family than his and is consumed with worry and fear. But after the scan he has got to come round as I need to at my head around it too and we need to start preparing!
I have booked some counselling too so hopefully I can get him to come to one of those to with me. After a long time ttc, ivf and now the shock of this, i think it will help xx