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Let down by in laws

15 replies

Bambi1980 · 14/12/2017 07:54

Hi, I have 10 week old twin girls and a 3 year old boy. My OH returned to work full time from about 6 weeks and my 3 year is in playschool 3 days a week during term time. Our only help is OHs parents who are 71 and 69. They have took on my OHs car so they can easily get our house to help. The plan was that on Tuesday and Thursdays when my son is off playschool they would come to our house and stay the day to help out with the twins. They started coming early about 7am to beat the traffic (we never told them to do this) then would stay until about 6pm. They did this for about 3 weeks then last week my MIL came down with D&V and so sent FIL round on his own on the Thursday. She then started with what she said was sciatica. She txt my OH saying that getting up so early on Tuesday and Thursday was tiring her out. My OH told her that she didnt need to get here so early. Anyway I said I would start putting DS into Playschool on the Tuesday so it would only be Thursdays I needed help. I did that this week but then yesterday my DS had his Playschool nativity which the in laws came to. They briefly came to the house after it then left without saying anything about coming today. I was really confused as they knew DS was off playschool. Anyway last night my MIL txt my OH saying he could have his car back if he wanted and in the future we could drop DS off at theirs if we want them to look after him. Nothing has been mentioned about coming here anymore to help out. My OH has said it would be nice if they would watch the twins so I could take DS out and also get some fresh air myself as I am bored of sitting in. She replied questioning whether I’m getting PND! She then suggested I could drop the twins at hers and take DS out. They seem to be edging at us having the car back so they don’t have to drive over here (only 15 min journey no traffic) when the whole arrangement was that they have the car for 12 Months whilst I’m on mat leave so I’m not running around everywhere.
Sorry for the long post but I’m just annoyed about the change of plans and I feel a bit let down to be honest. I know they’re not spring chickens but we had an arrangement. I’d rather them just be straight with me and tell me if they can’t do it. It’s hard enough as it is but expecting me to traipse about with twins, a 3 year old and all their stuff I think is a bit naughty of them.

OP posts:
Andromache77 · 14/12/2017 08:11

In the nicest possible way, because I understand that you're tired and sleep--deprived, you're expecting too much.

I know that it's nice to have help but you and your OH had the babies, not his parents. Unless you absolutely cannot afford to have your toddler at nursery all week, book him in to give yourself a break and have your husband pick up the slack as much as possible, in the afternoons and weekends. Then offer your in-laws some time with the toddler, for their own benefit as well as your child's and your own, but two days all day long is a big ask and they're clearly either exhausted or not that fussed. It's a pity but it is what it is.

I'm not saying that you should do the running, though, but maybe there's no way around it if they don't want to. You could suggest a more flexible arrangement that doesn't require you to drive, getting out of the house with two tiny babies and a toddler is not an easy task.

Silverthorn · 14/12/2017 08:19

Yabu and ungrateful. They are your children for you to parent. Get a nanny in to help or put 3yo in nursery. Can you really not manage all 3 on your own?
Poor mil quite rightly stayed home with d&v and you seem resentful?

eurochick · 14/12/2017 08:24

It seems obvious that they are finding it too much. They should have been honest about this but now you know you need to find alternative help.

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/12/2017 08:25

In theory they wanted to help but they have found it is too much for them.

Perhaps look at getting a childminder one day a week for your DS or the twins to give you a break.

GorgonzolaForever · 14/12/2017 08:38

I appreciate that very little twins and a 3 year old must be extremely hard work, but I agree that YABU.

I cannot imagine they expected to help.out two full days a week for the best part of a year. I imagine they wanted to offer you a bit of extra support until you found your feet and got settled. At 69 and 71, they are not young, and two full days of childcare is exhausting at the best of times.

My own in-laws are not even 60 yet and they are truly fantastic, always there when we need them to babysit etc. We get on really well. Even they would struggle with coming to my house twice a week full time to just 'help'. They'd want, I imagine, a little bit more autonomy and some flexibility. I think they would gladly have my DS for a day a week, but they'd want him at their house and not have me constantly hover over them all day. They would, also happily come over for a day to help every so often, or on a regular basis to do something specific like take DS2 for a walk so I can have a rest, or spend time with DS1.

I suggest you have an honest conversation with them, and your DH and revisit your own expectations.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/12/2017 08:47

I think they took this on and only realised when they had been doing it for a few weeks that they couldn't cope.
They have tried to offer solutions, such as having ds by himself at their house, or the twins. I think that is fair enough.
And in the nicest possible way, because I think sleep deprivation makes you not always see things clearly, it was your choice to have children, not theirs. I do believe that they should help you where they can, but that doesn't equate to two full days every single week, unless you were ill and truly unable to do it.

Only1scoop · 14/12/2017 08:47

'In theory they wanted to help but they have found it is too much for them.'

^
This


I'd take the car back and whenever they offer take them up but don't expect.

MadeForThis · 14/12/2017 08:51

I don't think they are intending to be mean. They are communicating with your DH because he is their son.

It sounds like they really wanted to help but when it became reality it was too hard. They aren't ancient by any means but are older and have been unwell.

I know you must be feeling incredibly let down but it just sounds like you need to make another plan that works for everyone.

If I was doing regular childcare for a family member I would want to do it in my own house where I could relax, eat and plan the day to suit myself.

Congratulations on the twins. I'm sure you must be exhausted.

Bambi1980 · 14/12/2017 10:20

I know they’re my children etc I chose to have them although wasn’t expecting twins. I guess I just relied on their help as they agreed to it. We didn’t expect them to stay all day and I’ve even said a number of times tell me if it’s too much but they don’t say anything and then just withdrew any help without explaining.

And silverthorn I think you’re comment is unfair as it not being ungrateful at all and never once said I wasn’t thankful for any help. I didn’t resent mil being ill at all. I even told her not to bother on the Tuesday that I would sort something out.

All I want is them to tell me what they’re doing. I do want the car back but as soon as we get it back it’s us doing all travelling and the whole agreement with the car was that they would take it on for the year so they could help out.

I probably could cope with all 3 but at the minute I have a 3 year old in the throes of being a threenager and two twins who sleep for no more than 20 mins in the day and tag team all day so I’m finding it very hard hence when I lose help I get upset.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/12/2017 10:39

Get the car back they sound keen to hand it back and then maybe can you do what they suggested?

Can you drop off twins with them for a few hours or ds maybe? Even if it's just every now and then?

I think they would probably prefer to do a bit of helping in their own home when they can rather than being tied into a routine.

Hope you get something sorted.

Bambi1980 · 14/12/2017 10:56

Thanks only1scoop it’s probably the way forward.

OP posts:
help1978 · 14/12/2017 10:56

This is growing arms and legs and will be worrying/upsetting you all
Wouldn’t it be a good idea to sit them down and discuss what they can and can’t help with so that you can arrange a new schedule? X

ScrunchyBook · 15/12/2017 11:51

Just wanted to say don't be afraid to split up your twins, so perhaps your in-laws might be able to watch one for a few hours whilst you spend time with the other and your 3yr old

TheMerryWidow1 · 15/12/2017 12:07

sounds like they found it harder than they thought they would and perhaps feel like they've let you both down.

namechangedtoday15 · 19/12/2017 12:01

When my parents have helped with childcare, they have always found it much easier at their own home than at my house. They know where everything is, where they can walk to, what's going on, and probably putting the kids in front of the tv for 20 minutes without me watching their every move whilst my dad read the paper or my mum put a wash on etc (I was a tad 'it's my way or the high way' in the early days) or do v long days in someone else's house. The car is a red herring - just be glad of the help, in whatever way it's offered.

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