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Sons partner having twins im worried?

(30 Posts)
caz1967 Thu 04-May-17 10:59:55

My Son who is 26 has a fiancé who found out around Christmas she was pregnant, whilst they were in the process of considering splitting up, they had gone through a lot of issues. She has a little girl 4 yrs old and my son adores her, but mum lets her do whatever, he tries to show her she cannot do and say whatever and mum would be appreciative one day and accuse him of interfering the next, she was paranoid he was cheating every time he left the house, even at work He would never ever do this, it turned out she was going through a mental crisis and was given medication , she would not take daily my son went through hell with her, But given the situation of her being Pregnant,they sat down and agreed they both still cared and would try to salvage the relationship. I believe they set some guidelines which has been going ok , she is presently 24weeks + 3 days pregnant, they were told at 12 weeks that it was twins, which is a wonderful thing. But I worry a lot about some of her ideas and ways. . Which I find cause for concern, they have chosen a pushchair system which can take a baby seat, no carrycot / pram just pushchair which babies cannot go in till 4 months old minimum, ive tried saying the babies will not be of the weight her first was and are likely to be 4lbs or smaller when born and cannot be always taken out in car seats. Am I being old fashioned? She had a lot of sickness which went throughout the day, she was hospitalised due to this, but she still does not eat a healthy balanced 3 meals a day, she always seems to pick through the day and mainly has takeaway of an evening as she cannot be bothered to cook, does not have much energy, ive offered to cook things and they can have them but she does not want my help. How will the babies thrive? The house is always a mess, my son is doing everything to help her and cleans the house after work as much as he can, she has issues I think shes a hoarder, She seems to struggle with her little girl, how will she cope mentally with 2 tiny babies , her mom does not do much to help , she will have the little girl once a week, she enjoys going out and it seems to come first .. How can I get my future daughter- in-law to accept help and advice on what to expect having 2 small babies, I had a prem baby at 34 weeks, I know what a shock it will be, but she does not want any advice. I feel very shut out of her Pregnancy, I asked to go to a scan but was told no. How can I get through to her that she's going to need everyone's help.
I was a lot more mature and organised, but I still needed lots of help, im very concerned they will not beable to cope with 2 hourly feeding whilst my son also having to go to work, I know my Sons employer will not give him paid time off, hes a small business and tight. How her mental health is likely to be..They presently live in a very small 2 bed, there own bedroom is so small they cannot shut the door as it knocks the side bottom of there bed, so no room for 2 babies Moses baskets...they have found a larger 3 bed but cannot be in until November when the owner will vacate it to live in India. Any ideas or guidance would be very appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
BillyButtfuck Thu 04-May-17 11:24:36

I'm 23 and have 13 month old twin boys.
I would really want you to back off if I were her, you're coming across more judgemental than helpful. This is probably going to come across as quite blunt but I honestly think you need to back off. This is based on my own experience and whilst I appreciate everyone's different, I'd really need breathing room in this situation.

You've said her mum doesn't help but also that she has her daughter once a week, that's a lot more than some people help.

I never wanted to eat 3 meals a day I couldn't stomach it, as like her, I was very sick so little and often 'picking' throughout the day suited me. I was very limited on the foods I could eat again because of the sickness so didn't eat the healthiest options but I did take vitamins to help get a balance.

Your post also says she is likely to have babies 4lbs or smaller, that's not always the case with twins, it depends on a lot but the majority of babies at my district twin club were born after 37 weeks and were very good weights. Mine were 36+6 and over 5lbs. Everyone is different and the risk of preterm labour and birth is obviously higher but not a sure thing. You also make assumptions about 2 hourly feeding, that's not a certainty, neither of mine needed feeding that regularly. It might be the case, but it's also likely not to be and not something you need to be stressing her about at this stage.

The babies will be able to go in a car seat, they might need a prem or tiny baby insert for it but that's not an issue nor is the pushchair.

I had 0 energy from about 10 weeks so again, that's perfectly normal and I'm sure she doesn't want you popping in and cooking. I just wanted to be left alone and certainly wouldn't want my MiL sticking her beak in, I especially wouldn't want her at a scan, that's a really special and personal thing and unless you're invited you should accept that's an intimate thing for the parents.

Stop trying to smother her, she's not your daughter and it's not your pregnancy. You're going to push them further away by interfering so much. You're making a mountain of a mole hill on a lot of the issues you've raised and you really should take a step back and let them be the parents and make the decisions now, you've had your turn. If you're concerned about things like cleaning by all means offer once to help out and if they say no thank you - drop it!

Mombie2016 Thu 04-May-17 11:27:29

What billy said.

MamaTT Thu 04-May-17 11:32:52

What billy said

ellesbellesxxx Thu 04-May-17 11:35:00

I mean this kindly but as someone expecting twins imminently, what you are saying you are saying to them/asking about going to scans, would make me back off from you.

Where I live you are only allowed to take one person in wIth you.. so obviously it's my husband. As it happens, a couple of scans have been tricky for him to organise time off work for so I have taken my mum to one and his to another.. but they would never ask.

I was sick constantly for the first 16 weeks so it was a bonus if I could eat anything. And the exhaustion is hideous. If she can eat at all that's great!

Also, saying you feel "shut out of her pregnancy" is really unfair. Have you asked how you can help or are you offering advice?
I find it patronising when people tell me what I will want to do.. er actually WE have our own ideas. However, my mum will ask me how can she help or could she make me such and such... that is much more helpful.

I know you mean to be helpful but you need to be supportive but not take over.

Lunde Thu 04-May-17 11:41:23

Agree with billy - you are pushing too hard

If she is feeling very sick then picking through the day is probably the right thing to do in order to keep something down

At the moment you have no idea if the twins will be very premature or tiny - a friend of mine had twins at 39.5 weeks with a combined weight of over 16lbs

Also I am astonished that you expected to be at the scan!

The best idea would be to stop trying to force "advice" onto this girl - she's not a first time mother and has her own experience and ideas - ask if there is anything you can do but stop trying to force her to your way of doing things

Batteriesallgone Thu 04-May-17 11:45:04

Yeah back off, hugely. Stop being so judgemental. These are her babies not yours.

LilRemz Thu 04-May-17 14:58:09

Seeing this post has really p**ed me off because of the comments left
This lady is asking for advice on how to deal with someone who has a mental health issue and is already having difficulties raising one child...and you guys saying she should back off...instead of saying something like just seat your future daughter in law down and talk things thru with her and keep supporting her but also give her some space...imagine this was your child or future daughter in law, would you seat and watch from a far whilst she doesn't take care of herself during pregnancy and is focused more on going out then taking care of herself and the child she has already...just imagine you in this women's shoes what would you do...?? Everyone's situation is different...and this young woman should count her lucky stars that someone is looking out for her whether it's too much or least someone wants to make sure she is looking after herself in this hard and difficult time.

ellesbellesxxx Thu 04-May-17 15:14:59

Lilremz.. totally see what you are saying but it's how things are said that is crucial.
I know that when people say to me that "I should be doing xyz" I immediately get on the defensive. My husband and I have done a lot of research and someone coming along saying that obviously I will want to EBF or someone else saying I SHOULD be using a perfect prep machine I find really frustrating. Or that I WON'T be able to use reusable nappies. I have got to the point where I am not sharing details of what we would like to do as everyone has an opinion on it!

Whereas if someone comes to me and says they would love to help, what can they do.. then great, actually I would love someone to lift the washing out the machine for me as I can't bend down!

Sparrowlegs248 Thu 04-May-17 15:24:17

I think all you can do is tell her you will help. Maybe make the meal and take it round a few times? See how that goes, if they ask you to stop.then stop. When you visit ask if there's anything you can do to help, say you don't mind running the hoover round etc. You may find her more willing to accept help once the babies are here.

I agree though you do sound quite judgemental and that's never going to go down well. I lived on cards when I was pregnant. I normally eats loads of fruit and veg but couldn't stomach it.

FlossyMooToo Thu 04-May-17 15:31:02

What billy said.

Oh and my twins were 6lb 4oz and 8lb 2oz and born at 38 weeks.

SarahGraceMc Thu 04-May-17 15:31:17

I agree with Billy also OP. Why don't you try and connect with you STBDil, try forming a bond that she can trust in and help her feel supported. It's very overbearing having a person judge your every move especially with a Mental health issue in the mix and she will push you away.

SarahGraceMc Thu 04-May-17 15:32:39

Oh and my DC was 4lb 9oz and in a car seat with a newborn insert

BillyButtfuck Thu 04-May-17 15:34:49

LilRemz don't be so precious, she asked on mumsnet for advice and we've given her our honest opinions on it which are to back the fuck off. If she didn't want people's thoughts she wouldn't have posted.
We are just as entitled to express our opinions and thoughts on a post which is on a public forum known for its brutal honesty as you are.

Batteriesallgone Thu 04-May-17 15:38:39

But elles she's not doing anything wrong. She's eating picky food and takeaways - hang out on the HG threads, this is totally normal. The woman was HOSPITALISED FFS.

The father of the babies has picked up the majority of the housework. See above re HOSPITALISED FFS.

They haven't decluttered, again HOSPITALISED AND PREGNANT WITH TWINS

What exactly is she doing that is wrong or dangerous? Nothing. A perhaps unwise choice of pram which can easily be replaced? Umm try again. That woman needs rest and space. Not a sit down discussion about the health of her children hmm

ellesbellesxxx Thu 04-May-17 15:42:35

@Batteriesallgone sorry.. I should have clarified that I meant I see what lilremz was saying about being concerned with someone with MH issues being vulnerable but I quite agree that she isn't doing anything wrong. I survived on cheese on toast and oranges for 16 weeks so totally understand why she is just eating what she can smile

Batteriesallgone Thu 04-May-17 15:50:29

The MH issues are a red herring here. This woman isn't doing anything wrong.

thethoughtfox Thu 04-May-17 16:02:35

It will be hard but try not to swoop in and help too much especially if she doesn't seem to be coping. She may need support and help from SS and/ or mental health services and if they don't see the full picture - messy house, empty fridge, mum not coping - she may not get the help she needs.

Batteriesallgone Thu 04-May-17 16:07:58

Messy house and empty fridge - the partner should be doing more than he is. Since when is doing housework in the house you live in 'helping'. She is pregnant with twins and has already been hospitalised. He should be doing everything. If he can't cook, teach him or encourage him to learn himself.

FlossyMooToo Thu 04-May-17 16:29:42

So two adults in the house and it is the pregnant with twins woman who is responsible for cleaning abd filling the fridge hmm


Astro55 Thu 04-May-17 16:38:31

You are seeing issues where there aren't any at the moment -

She's had one baby that's plenty of practice for twins!

You shouldn't tell her X YZ because it's demeaning

Leave her alone

43percentburnt Thu 04-May-17 16:39:27

When I was pregnant with twins and hospitalised I managed to drag myself to work and nibble on whatever I felt I wouldn't throw up. Dh did everything else. Despite this babies were fine and over 5lbs.

If your son was single he would have to get home, do housework, cook his tea etc.

I get the feeling you don't approve of him being with her.

MamaHanji Thu 04-May-17 16:51:30

Jesus. Back off and stop forcing your advice judgement on her. Stop trying to get her to conform to your ideas of how things should be done.

Truthfully it's not up to you to 'feel involved' in the pregnancy. If she wanted you at a scan, she would ask. Stop pushing and judging before you push her away.

And stop assuming you know that the babies will be small and feed every 2 hours and everything else. What business of yours is it what she eats?! Zero. Zero business of yours.

My first pregnancy I was so sick and exhausted and unwell that I pretty much slept for the first 4 months and lost 2 stone as I could only stomach pickled onions and chips.

If the house is a mess, why doesn't your wonderful son tidy it?

NerrSnerr Thu 04-May-17 17:03:10

I was hospitalised with sickness, I don't think I ate three healthy meals a day through my whole pregnancy. It really isn't that easy. It sounds like she's doing fine to me.

Patienceisvirtuous Thu 04-May-17 17:04:52

Shut out of her pregnancy?

That's because it's hers, not yours, and that's how it should be. You don't get to invade someone else's.

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