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Can't come to terms with having twins

(36 Posts)
LittleMissTwins Sat 03-Mar-07 13:48:38

Hi, I'm new here, wish I had found this site sooner! I'm mum to 1 year old ID girls.

I'm still really struggling to get over the fact I have twins. Did anyone else feel like this? It's ridiculous as they are a year old now and I've got through the difficult baby bit.

I look at mums with one baby and feel so jealous that I will never experience this. I've given up on mum and baby groups as I seem to spend my whole time chasing after my girls and never get to chat to the other mums. They sit with their one baby drinking tea and chatting and I long to be able to do this. Music groups are just as difficult as you have to dance around with your baby and I can't pick up both of mine at once, or even get both into the hall if there are stairs.

I have two beautiful, healthy little girls and I know I should count my blessings but just feel so lonely and left out. My twins were a complete surprise and I guess I just never imagined motherhood would be like this.

Have any of you other twin mums felt like this - or am I just an ungrateful old moo?

belgo Sat 03-Mar-07 13:52:44

I don't have twins but often feel a little bit sorry for mothers of twins. I found it hard enough coping with one baby at a time, let alone two!

Is it possible to ask family to babysit one twin while you go out with the other twin?

quadrophenia Sat 03-Mar-07 14:01:16

Hi I have identical twin girls who are almost seven, and although i didn't realise it I think I did probably feel like this from time to time. I think it manifested itself in criticism of my friend (secretly not to her face) who had one child, and all the things she could do i would snort at although secretly i wanted to be able to do them too. The thing is as your lovely girls get older, you will actually benefit, the fact that they will enetertain eachother is a benefit that mothers of singletons will never have. My twin girls are lovely and for the time being benefit hugely from eachother, and although it is very upsetting when you focus on the negatives, i'm almost certain you will feel better about this as the pluses become more apparent

LittleMissTwins Sat 03-Mar-07 14:02:38

Thanks for the reply belgo. It's a nice idea but all my family have moved abroad and my husband's family are dotted around the country so we're very much on our own.

aardvarktwo Sat 03-Mar-07 14:03:25

Hi LittleMissTwins

I have nearly 11 month old twins and understand what you are saying.

The ante natal group I went too all met up regularly to go swimming and as you will know swimming on your own with baby twins is virtually impossible and it is easy to resent not being able to do things like that and feel left out. Plus like you say you have to think so hard about will it be possible to do this or that and the logistical planning for things can get so boring.

I do still go to baby groups. I think you need a very relaxed attitude and I will ask anyone to look out for them if I need to go to the loo or something.

I have also been to a couple of twins club things and they are good. Are there any round you?

It is getting harder to do things now both are moving. Going to peoples houses is the easiest thing to do at the moment I reckon.

Also make sure you feel very smug when you look at those people with just one boring old baby and realise how special you are!

maisym Sat 03-Mar-07 14:03:56

I have 4 kids & other mums with 1 or 2 kids (not mums of twins I must add) forget how difficult going round to see them can be plus just having to get everything done.

Marscentio Sat 03-Mar-07 14:07:25

why not come and join us other multiple mums though I confess we share the horrors as well as the joys lol

And in answer to your question you are &not^ an ungrateful moo!

LoveMyGirls Sat 03-Mar-07 14:13:43

I think its special to have twins, esp ecially identical twins!!!

I don't have much advice as i don't have twins myself although i do childmind and currently have 17mths, 14mths and a 7mth so do appreciate what you're saying about getting places.

I have still been doing toddler groups though i find the more you go the more you can trust other mums (or in my case childminders) to help you out. I agree with the relaxed attitude as well.

It will get easier as they get older and can entertain each other.

Have you thought about going back to work to give you a break? maybe part time? or do you want to be a sahm?

LoveMyGirls Sat 03-Mar-07 14:18:05

Oh forgot to add on the practical side of getting things done at home i put the girls in their highchairs with raisens and juice while i prepare lunch/ dinner and they usually all sleep at the same time so i can try to tidy up the mess from where they have thrown thier food on the floor and if im lucky i get a cuppa and a sandwich

Does your dh help out much? Does he have them on a saturday so you can have some time to yourself? do shopping? see friends, get your hair done? these are things that can make you manage the week when you are on your own easier to manage.

My dp usually takes our girls out on a saturday while i clean the house and get ready for the week ahead then if i do everything i need to do quickly i can chill/ see friends or whatever.

LittleMissTwins Sat 03-Mar-07 15:05:27

Thanks for all your replies!

I've decided to stay at home but just finding motherhood such a lonely experience. I have lots of friends in my past life (pre babies) but they are still really into their careers. I struggled to get out of the house initially and by the time I managed to get to mum and baby groups everyone seemed to know each other. I have these snatched 30 second conversations with people then have to run off and rescue/feed/cuddle one baby or the other so feel like I'll never have an opportunity to make proper friends.

I know it's silly to be jealous and that the grass is always greener, I sound 13 rather than 35! I start out every day feeling really positive but just get so frustrated and often walk home from a baby group in tears.

My husband is fantastic and a great help. I just feel so sorry for him as he comes home to such a morose wife!

throckenholt Sat 03-Mar-07 15:35:11

your experience with toddlers has been echoed on here many times - not just by twin mums - although with twins it can feel like double.

Try and find a twins club - at least there you all know exactly what everyone else is going through.

I think there is a tough stage when they are just crawling - but once they get to the walking stage then you start to get payback as they can play together - ready made entertainment !

maisym Sat 03-Mar-07 15:42:07

agree with finding a twins club - does your nct branch have anything like this?

Overrun Sat 03-Mar-07 15:43:53

Hi LittleMissTwins, I do know how you feel. I have experienced those feelings myself at times, I have ds1 and then had dts. I sometimes feel sad about the lack of quality one to one time I find it so hard to get with dts, but then I think that applies if you have more than one child anyway.
I also felt like that at toddler groups, I think throkenholt is right, try and find a twin group at least they know what you are going through.
I think this year is tough,as they get moving, and I remember time at soft play when I took ds1 with some friends and their Mums from his nursery. Most of them had a second child but just the one, and I remember being run ragged as they chatted away to each other
I did find, making some good friends helped, as they tend to help me out a bit when we are at the park and so forth.
There are lovely moments too, but I know you know that really. Just try and remember, that it will get easier, and you are probably envied by lots of Mums as well. having dts is very special

frumpygrumpy Sat 03-Mar-07 20:29:12

Hi sweetheart, I just want to second Mars' post about our regular thread. We mums to twins (and one lot of triplets) meet up hour by hour to laugh and cry and moan and drink wine I fantasise about another life and Mars lives it for me

Seriously, I got to the end of my tether when my DTs were 8 months and I just felt like nobody understood what it was like. I came on here and have never looked back. The girls on our regular thread really got me through a difficult patch and now we get along very well and I value our friendship deeply.

Join us, we have cake, booze, comfy recliners and candles. We don't care if you bring baggy eyes, ugly pyjamas, and a belly that looks like an old bouncy castle, we will love you all the same. Come on over, I'm currently sharing tmi about my pmt

MilaMae Sat 03-Mar-07 21:20:25

Hi I have 3 year old twin boys and a 2 year old girl. Know exactly where you're coming from. I've left several toddler groups fighting back the tears.Had a horrendous time in the library on Friday all 3 running all over the place, ended up hurling their books back at the startled librarian. I would say keep going to these groups, most mums will be sympathetic if they're not they're not really worth worrying about. I used to take boxes of raisins, little books anything to divert one so I could concentrate on the other. I'm just coming out of it now as the boys go to pre-school so do the toddler group thing with my daughter. Have to say it's been a total revelation-it's soooo easy with 1!!!!! It's made me realise what a good job I was doing 2 years ago but just didn't realise. I went swimming for the first time with my youngest last week(my first time ever with one of my children)I then went through a sad stage when I realised how much quality time singletons get that mine have never had and never will do. However when I watched them playing together in the garden today it did make me realise that they'll always be this little gang and they are actually very lucky. My next plan of action is to try and do things with just one at weekends as it's so enjoyable when you get the chance. I'm also starting to make more friends with mums who are in a similar situation to me and understand the stresses. I'm starting to realise that I'm experiencing something most people never will get the chance to. Hang on in there, in some ways it does get easier as they get older. In a years time a lot of your friends will maybe be producing number 2 which means you'll be the smug mummy for a while as they'll be struggling with a toddler and a newborn and constantly referring to how brilliant you must have been.

LittleMissTwins Sun 04-Mar-07 19:08:45

Thanks so much for all your kind words. I'm sure things will improve but I feel like I am constantly wishing my girls babyhood away. I keep thinking things will get easier with the next stage but it just seems to throw up another set of challenges.

I must count my blessings and stop moaning! Thanks for listening and being so supportive - I will drop by on your regular thread...

twinsnikki Sun 04-Mar-07 20:48:51

Dear LittleMissTwins,

I have 3 year old ID girls. Your mail echo's exactly how I felt around the same time. I resented not being able to provide one to one with my children. In someway I felt I was not mothering my children properly and felt guilty about not having one to one time.

When they were under I year, I tried to do baby massage with them, as I was unable to take them swimming, and all my friends were taking their babies to aqua tots! They all met up for tea and morning chats, but I gave up going because I never had a chance to become involved, as the babies needed my attention...

Once they really started walking, the whole thing changed for me. All of a sudden I could take them to soft play centres, where they could toddle about and I could talk to other mothers.

One day I bumped into a seasoned twin mum, at one of the centres. She highlighted the positives to me and to be fair I had never considered the positives, I was so overwelmed by feelings of inadequacy. She told me that you have to accept that you will find time for one to one when the children are older. She highlighted the following:
- You only have to give birth once
- You only have to experience each stage once, for example, terrible twos, potty training, teething....
- Your children will always have a built in playmate, giving you time to yourself while they play
- Your children will go to school at the same time, so you won't have to experience the problems associated with different age groups - ie. pay nursery only once!
- You will never have to experience the arguements of you can't do this yet, as your sibling can cos their older...
- If you are lucky they leave home the same time...

Unlike singleton mums!

I had never looked from this angle before, but after thinking about it, I felt very lucky....I know it may feel lonely and isolated, exactly how I felt. My husband would get calls at work from me, several times a day, because I needed a sanity check...

I love my girls to death, and now, if someone asked if I had more children, would I have one or two again, I would want another set of twins! I wouldn't have the first clue what to do with one...!! My husband would also want to have two....

My life changed when they turned around one and half to two, infact I went back to work!
You should pat yourself on the back because you have survived the first year, which I have to say, in my mind is the worst...within the next year, I promise you, you will go from resentment to pride in your feat. I did.

Things will change so much, going playgroups will became easier. You will find that you will be the one chatting, as your children will entertain each other, while other singletons will run back and forth for the parents attention.

There is one thing that your children will learn, that is really hard to teach lone singletons...to share....it will come automatically to your twins over time, and you will be able to sit back and watch the others squabble over stuff...relief is just around the corner, hang in there....

I agree with the others, re. talking to twin mothers, as they are the ones that really know how this feels. I actually believe now, that mother of multiple singletons have a harder time than a twin mum, in the later stages of development. As a twin mother we do all the hard stuff in the beginning and reap the rewards later on..

The day your girls come to you and say I really love you mum and you get that double cuddle, it will all be worth it...

When I am approached by these mothers, they say, 'Oh, it must be really hard with twins', and I reply, 'no, I think you have a harder job entertaining one'...and I believe in my humble way this to be true...

I hope this helps to lift your spirits, you are doing a fantastic job...

Thoughts are with you, and I am always available for a chat.

Nik
x

oooggs Sun 04-Mar-07 21:53:15

Just read this from the begining and felt dreadful. With ds at 3.2 and 34+3 with non id twins I was starting to dread what lay ahead.

But at the end of the postings Nik yours was great and has now made me realise how lucky we all are.

Friends of mine are now experiencing single child sydrome, when the first child goes to school and they then have 2nd child to entertain. At least I won't have this as they will have each other, whether is be playing or fighting .

Littlemisstwins - I hope things pick up for you soon. stay in touch xx

Marscentio Sun 04-Mar-07 23:44:56

Excellent post twinsnikki

My DTs are 3 and I've also got 3 singletons (had them first). I think my DTs are the biggest blessing I've ever had, but I'm so glad that they are 3. It really is getting easier. They play together and have a champion in each other.

Looking forward to seeing you all on the regular thread (even if it's only occasionally).

twinsnikki Mon 05-Mar-07 08:06:57

Dear All

I am glad you found my posting helpful .

The major thing that surprised me on the annoucement of carrying twins, was that instead of being elated, I was devastated!

Simply because I had only ever mentally prepared for one and not two. As a first time mum, I was horrified. My husband on the other hand, 'skipped through the daisies...'

Apparently, this is a normal reaction...but not written anywhere....as is the feeling of being overwelmed in the early days. I think that the hardest part is everyone around you is not the same, and it appears they make stuff look so easy, while you feel you are bumbling through, nursing and changing etc.
Talking to them doesn't help, because deep down you know that you are different, and the time they have to relax in the early days, you are dealing with something or another...which is why I commend sites like this....

But you have all been given a wonderful thing, your children have something very rare, a friend they grew up with from the day they were concieved...no bond could ever be closer to them. No one could ever know them more indepth than there twin or multiple...it's amazing really...

It really does come right around one and half to two years of age.

Nik
x

Kelly1978 Mon 05-Mar-07 08:17:24

Hi,

Please come and join us on the do you ever... thread, it helps keep most of us multiple mums sane (except maybe frumpy ) Nobody really knows what it is like unless they have twins themselves, so it really is a lifesaver to realsie that the things you experience as a multiple mum are normal.

Toddler groups can be a nightmare with two. It always seemed to me that mine were such little terrors, until mars pointed out to me that with two you have them both egging each other on, and twice the brainpower going into being naughty, and I have relaxed so much since I realised she was spot on!

I'm a mum to twins who will be 2 very soon, a 4 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. I still frequently think why me?! I still look at them even now and wonder how on earth I managed to produce two of them. I think the post by twinsnikki is brilliant, and will be saving that to remind myself when things get me down.

Judy1234 Mon 05-Mar-07 09:06:27

Twins aer very hard. Mine were babies 4 and 5 so that is entirely different and much more easily manageable. For me going back to work always made things easier so you get that long "break" whilst you're working and it isn't just you and the twins all day long but obviously you have to do what works for you.

frumpygrumpy Mon 05-Mar-07 10:00:17

Just to add that it is a rough road at times, but most definitely one that you will be glad you took. I agree that age 2 things settle a little and you begin to reap some of what you have sowed.

My DTs are 2.5 and when I collect them from nursery I get physically knocked over from the force of two of them hurling themselves at me at the same time and kissing me and I do feel as big as a house with pride.

Things like that were the beginning of the better times for me. Hang in there honey xxx.

speedymama Mon 05-Mar-07 10:23:12

My nonID DTS are now 3yo and I know how you feel. In the beginning, I tried going to baby groups but gave up after the second time because I could never arrive on time, despite giving myself 2 hours to get ready. Something always happened like one of them being sick.

I went back to work part-time when they were 7 months old for my sanity. Unfortunately, DH and I have no family or close friends nearby so we have to do everything ourselves. Going back to work 3 days a week was a welcome relief for me and the boys have really thrived at their nursery.

The DTS started going to a music group when they were 12 months and even though I sometimes turned up late, the teacher always took one of them so they were both able to participate fully.

Now they are 3yo, life is easier and they are our world. Looking back, DH and I wonder how we did it because we had no experience of babies. Now I wish I could experience some of the baby time again because it passes very quickly.

Good luck!

throckenholt Mon 05-Mar-07 10:26:44

as they get a bit older you start to surface again and gain self confidence - and feel proud that you are managing with two when everyone else is just getting by with only one .

And then you start to appreciate the benefits and the fun of having two at a time. It really is wonderful to watch them interact and grow and develop. Gradually you realise that it is a real privilege to have twins even if it is hard at times.

And you realise that they are not missing out any more than any second or subsequent child whose parents have to share their attention.

Yes it is difficult to, for example, take them swimming when they are tiny - but by the time they are 3 or 4 you realise what fun it is taking two and how they can learn from each other and endourage each other.

I think there is a high proportion of twins parents who suffer from depression in the first year or so because it is just so exhausting and really can dent your self confidence - but once you get through that you get a real boost from realising you are still doing a good job even though you have more to cope with than most.

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