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Found out yesterday we're having twins and I'm terrified

(55 Posts)
UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 12:03:13

Hi all,

My wife and I found out yesterday that through IVF we are having twins.

We already have a wonderful 3 and a half year old miracle and she is everything to me and us.

To be honest I'm going through mixed feelings of shock, upset, but mostly fear of not being able to look after my family well enough financially and not giving our wonderful daughter all the love she deserves. I'm terrified. House, car, buying 2 of everything.

My wife wanted to put 2 embryos because after failed treatments she couldn't face doing it again. I don't think she really considered twins as a realistic option.

It is what it is and we have to accept it.

I regret using 2 embryos. It sounds awful. I feel guilty writing it.

This isn't how I should feel when we're lucky enough to finally get pregnant but I'm upset and it may sound awful, but part of me wishes we weren't. I didn't want twins. At all.

The thought of duel crying screaming feeding etc etc and all that goes with it is terrifying me.

I can't be happy and both of us have different views.

I'm in a bit of a daze and scared that i won't be able to handle the responsibility or enjoy it. I feel guilty as I shouldn't feel like this.

Anyone feel the same regards to twins being a surprise? Especially when you already have a child?

I haven't told anyone yet as only at 7 weeks so very alone right now.

OP’s posts: |
Alfieisnoisy Tue 05-Apr-16 12:26:39

Bless you...other more experienced folk will be along to answer you. However, be aware that you are still very much in shock at the news of two rather than one. You need time to process that and to make plans.

There is The Twins And Multiple Birth Association who are brilliant and well worth a look.

More than anything though is that there are loads of parents here who have multiples and will know EXACTLY what you are going through. They will understand and help.

In the meantime congratulations to you.

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 13:10:05

Thank you. Really sweet of you. Look forward to hearing from them.

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slightlyinsane Tue 05-Apr-16 16:10:33

Our twins are no's 4 & 5 for us, they're nearly 2. I cried the whole way through the scan, I did not sign up to having twins ever!
The next few weeks were a blurry mess of roller coaster emotions, just about coming to terms with it one minute and having not knowing how we'll cope the next. The extreme reactions calmed down and we started to settle with the idea, it would still hit us every now and then, usually when we had to buy something for them.
I'm not going to lie it's been bloody hardwork but so amazing at the same time. We're experiencing something not many get to. 2 first smiles, giggles, crawling, walking the list is endless. As they're getting older they are starting to play together, running around laughing together, it makes a lot of it much easier.
You need to give yourselves some serious sinking in time, even though you had 2 embryos implanted, the shock is still real.
Did both take or did one split??

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 16:44:11

My roller coaster has just started and I feel I'm not even strapped in! Both embryos took perfectly.

I like what you wrote about 2 firsts for everything. Made me smile (which is a first for 2 days!)

OP’s posts: |
Chlobee87 Tue 05-Apr-16 16:52:35

At the risk of sounding very naive (after all, it's not me having twins!), I'd try and think forward to how things will be down the line. I can almost guarantee that when the babies are here you won't regret them for a second. And even if it's a shock when they first arrive, things will get easier with time and you'll wonder how you ever lived without them. You will both become dab hands at taking care of two babies!

Don't feel guilty about the way you're feeling - I think you'd be strange if you weren't scared! - but focus on the positives because there really are lots of them.

Congratulations to all of you flowers

slightlyinsane Tue 05-Apr-16 16:53:27

I don't think they supply straps for this one.
The fact it was 2 separate embryos will hopefully mean a not so stressful pregnancy (if that's possible with 2??), not much of a consolation right now but will be in the long run.
Financially it's tough but there's so much stuff you don't need or can get at a later date if you change your mind. Cars are a bit of a nightmare but the rest is manageable.
I cling on to the firsts on a regular basis, the days are long but I find it fascinating watching them grow up alongside each other.

HeadTilt Tue 05-Apr-16 16:59:22

It's early days! Be kind to yourself. Remember anyone getting pregnant can have twins - and a single IVF embryo could have divided to make identicals. So don't beat yourself up too much over the choice to have 2 embryos put in.

To give you a different perspective in case of any worries for your daughter - I am the sister of twin brothers, we are all close in age (my parents had three children under three). My mother swears by having twins. Her reasoning is that they could always entertain each other, so they were less demanding than a singleton in many ways (e.g. They would lie in a cot and "chat" rather than crying for attention). Also everyone thinks twins are hard work, so you get more support, gifts and offers of help than with one. Barring a few special teddies etc toys are shared, it is not a case of doubles of everything.

I was always happy being the sister of twins. It was fun and special (with the usual amount of childhood arguments). Three can fit in the back of a normal car, you don't suddenly need to change everything.

My brothers are all grown up now. They have their own lives but also a great friendship. They are two unique individuals, you will love your two new babies as such too I'm sure. Nothing is guaranteed in being a parent. You had one miracle, now you have three! In time you'll come to enjoy this new reality.

DorothyHarris Tue 05-Apr-16 20:45:12

We have 2 week old twin boys. I cried at ny dating scan it was such a shock. We also have a 2 yo DD. Its still very very early days but we are all still here!
I refused to think about it for months and really buried my head in the sand until one day i thought, hang on they are my kids as well, we will cope and they are here for a reason.
Its a shock, allow yourself time to process it and come to terms with it.
Also sign up to tamba, they have very good much needed discounts.
Good luck 🍀

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 20:46:40

Thank you. I like the idea of them chatting to each other in bed.

OP’s posts: |
alltheworld Tue 05-Apr-16 20:52:13

I know people who have had a selective reduction because they felt they couldn't cope with multiples. I also know very happy parents of twins.

FrancisdeSales Tue 05-Apr-16 21:02:59

My MIL is a twin and she and her sister are very close and love each other so much. MIL told me she was thrilled when dh was born but when his sister arrived 4 years later she cried because she felt so sorry for her not having a twin!

So twins often have a very special and unique relationship and you will be able to watch that develop.

I would recommend the documentary "Twinsters" on Netflix.

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 21:06:02

Thank you for writing. I've already looked up tamba but don't want to tempt fate. I think I just need tIme. You're right.

Congratulations too! I hope the boys are healthy and well. Good luck.

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thingamujig Tue 05-Apr-16 21:46:47

I have twin boys and a younger girl. They're all grown up now (late teens, early twenties) but I had 3 under 3 at one point.

I know it's a massive shock to you, and of course it's hard, but it was such a delight having twins - and having three so close in age. The boys have such a wonderful, close relationship, and we have such lovely memories of them growing up: the first time they laughed, which was when they saw each other in the bath; sucking each other's thumbs; putting the world to rights together while sitting up a tree; helping each other revise; and now they are miles apart at separate universities they are still each other's greatest support via Skype etc. They have brought us such pleasure, along with our daughter, and I promise you it's all worth it.

Take all the help you can, and don't feel guilty for how you're feeling. When I was pregnant (unexpectedly) with my daughter I felt a little resentful of her because I felt so sorry for my 2 year old twins that they wouldn't get enough attention when the new baby arrived. Of course I fell madly in love with her the second she was born. Love is elastic! Good luck to you all, and congratulations. thanks

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 23:01:50

What a lovely message. Thank you. I'm finding it hard not to upset my wife. She asked me if I'd prefer to only have our daughter and no twins and I said yes.

Right now that's how I am. I feel sick for thinking it and I hope the feeling goes, but right now it doesn't feel it will.

I'm a really positive person but this is getting me down, probably for that reason alone as I hate not being positive. I can't pull myself out of it.. What a paradox!

I think I just need time.

OP’s posts: |
FrancisdeSales Tue 05-Apr-16 23:07:57

OP don't be too hard on yourself it's a massive shock. At the same time give your wife the emotional support she needs and try not to brood and withdraw.

Paddypaws3 Tue 05-Apr-16 23:20:03

Oh I remember the shock very well! Mine are 3.5 now but I'll never forget the day we found out.

We had a dd who was 5 when we discovered we were having twins at my 12 week scan. I was horrified, terrified and cried the whole way through the scan...and not in a good way!

I admit to being depressed pretty much through my whole pregnancy. I did NOT want twins and just couldn't come to terms with it. Finding out the sexes at 17 weeks helped but mostly I was just overwhelmed with everything you describe. House, car, money, time, patience. How on earth would I cope?

The minute they were born, I loved them and I've never regretted them. Of course life would've been easier had it been a single baby but our twins have bought us total and utter joy. I won't lie, it's been very hard at times but overall it's been a wonderful and unique experience.

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 23:32:55

Hey. I'm right in the middle of hating it and frankly wishing it wasn't happening.

Can't see myself coming out of it. Thank you for your honesty. It's always good to hear/see the truth.

Glad there's always positivity

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Placeinthesun Tue 05-Apr-16 23:35:31

Just to say I had dc1 followed by twins, 25 months between DC1 and the DT' was hard work, they're 8 and 10 now and I wouldn't change them for the world. The pregnancy was a killer but two whole newborns made up for it. My, then DH, felt like you..... Would happily have stuck with one..... And is now the most amazing Dad to them all and we both feel blessed to have 3 kids so close in age.

Local twins club for clothes swaps (saved me a fortune), contact your local college about getting a childcare student placed with you when the DT's are little, beg/borrow baby items off friends etc. You will manage, it will be fine!

Mabelface Tue 05-Apr-16 23:46:12

I have 17 year old triplets. You'll cope because you just do. Yes, it's bloody hard work but it's also bloody amazing. I wouldn't have changed a thing.

bluishskies Wed 06-Apr-16 00:21:24

I have 15 week old twins and a 2 year old all from IVF. I was told by the embryologist that I had a less than 10% chance of both embryos taking. Funnily, I basically thought that it wouldn't happen.

My DH and I had the opposite reaction to you and your wife. I worried throughout about how DD would cope and how we would manage 3 under 3 without much help while he felt like we had won the lottery. The first 8 weeks are hard work. But once we all settled and got used to the idea 3 kids doesn't feel exponentially harder than 2. Financially, we haven't bought much because we had all of DD's things and they are much more laid back than DD was, despite her being a very easy baby. DD adores her siblings and they are now starting to watch her and track her around a room. And when they laugh with her it feels like my heart might explode from the cuteness.

Having twins is such a daunting prospect especially because there is a lot of scaremongering about the pregnancy. But I had a very straightforward pregnancy with no complication. I gave birth at 38 weeks and the 3 of us were discharged the next day.

Take your time to get your head around it. I found reading old posts on here very helpful. It made things more real and gave me a lot of useful advice.

Good luck!

NanaNina Wed 06-Apr-16 00:42:28

You've had so many lovely messages on here and are already linked in to Tamba, there is not a great deal to add. I just want to say that you will love these babies just as much as you love your little girl. We all wonder if we could possibly love a second child as much as our first, as it doesn't seem possible, but we happens.

sallyhasleftthebuilding Wed 06-Apr-16 01:17:28

My DH said to me "we've lucky because not many people get the chance to experience twins"

We had an 18 month old as well

I also cried - it is life changing - I feel we scrapped through those first few months because we had to -

You DD was in some ways a test run for the new babies - you now have the experience to cope - know what the baby is crying for - can multi task -

Twins do things differently - like wait to be fed - sleep longer because they have a sibling in the cots - hold on to you so they don't fall - the 2 year old would make them laugh when you thought they cry - it works because it has too -

LeaLeander Wed 06-Apr-16 01:21:34

At least you have warning. About 35 years ago my cousin learned it was twins four days before birth smile

Scans were not routine. She was 19, her husband was 20. My dad, her uncle in law, rushed out for another crib.

It all worked out. Hectic but with hilarious moments. Good luck!

UCH12 Wed 06-Apr-16 09:26:31

I can't seem to pull myself out of this down feeling. It's so unlike me.

The responses have been amazing and helpful. I think that when I come to terms with it, I'll read them all again for advice.

I can't get my head around it, I really do wish, right now, that it wasn't happening.

OP’s posts: |

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