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how do I politely explain to a friend that she's being an idiot without ending a friendship?

(31 Posts)
PrincessScrumpy Sat 21-Sep-13 23:48:57

I often put pics of dtds on fb for family and friends to see and today a friend commented that in a picture they didn't look very alike and am I sure they're id.

They didn't look alike as one was grinning a toothy smile and the other had a more serious face at the time. Just because they are id doesn't mean they walk around with matching facial expressions! Sorry, rant over... Can't rant in rl or friend would find out.

zimbomaman Wed 25-Sep-13 17:53:15


PollyPlummer Wed 25-Sep-13 17:48:00

grin zim is it natural ?wink

zimbomaman Wed 25-Sep-13 15:45:09

People say silly things all the time. I have a two year old red head. Someone admired her hair and asked if it was natural the other day.....

Franykins Wed 25-Sep-13 15:37:24

I feel sorry for you with the replies you've had OP. Everyone needs a rant once in a while whether it's over something 'silly' or 'important' you have said yourself its not worth ruining a friendship over and just needed to get it off your chest and I hope it has helped. People really shouldn't judge you for wanting to rant. Ok so in the grand scheme of things its not a big deal but I guess you were just having one of those days as we all do. I've not even given birth to my twins yet and when I tell people we are having a boy and girl they still ask if they are ID or not hmm really! Or were they through IVF, not that its any of their business no they weren't and would it matter if they were? I think people just like to have their say.

HaroldLloyd Mon 23-Sep-13 10:47:46

I can't see how she is being an idiot at all!

georgeannaskala Mon 23-Sep-13 10:02:01

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Redlocks30 Mon 23-Sep-13 10:00:31

Er, I don't think it's your friend who is being the idiot! Get some sleep and a touch of perspective.

pokesandprodsforthelasttime Mon 23-Sep-13 09:53:44

I can see why it's annoying - it's your friend's assumption that she knows better than you and the medical profession based on a photo.

I would just ignore the comment, it was thoughtless but your friend probably didn't mean to annoy you.

silverangel Mon 23-Sep-13 09:45:44

I think its probably one of those annoying things people say, mine are ID and people revel in telling me when they can see the differences or cant see the differences etc etc. I think most of it comes with a fascination with twins. People say 'oh DT1 is obvioiusly the chattier one' (she's not) or 'DT2 is definitley bigger' (she's not, she's smaller by about 3lb)...I just nod and smile, nod and smile....

HowlerMonkey Sun 22-Sep-13 07:32:32

I think that you can be as blunt (yet factual) as you like here. A simple 'Yep, they are definitely identical <friend's name> smile' would do it. I am pretty sure no offence would be taken by her.

You do sound, umm, unusually sensitive on the subject. I know that years of the same dumb comments will grind a person down, but unfortunately the number of dumb commenters in the world is not going to reduce any time soon. You need to find a coping strategy or you'll run the risk of losing friends, all over a dumb one-off comment of theirs.

I'm afraid this is not a big deal in the eyes of the world and you will be seen as unreasonable if you make it one. I understand the being annoyed god do I but for your own sake you need to let it go.

winterland Sun 22-Sep-13 07:07:11

Crikey does it really matter whether they are identical or not?

HarrietSchulenberg Sun 22-Sep-13 00:36:11

It happens the other way round too. When ds1 and ds2 were 3 and 1, the plumber came round to mend something or other. Dses were sitting on the floor with their backs to him, watching TV. Plumber said, "You've got your work cut out there, love, with twins. Are they identical?". Erm, no, one is bigger than the other one and there's 2 years between them grin.
There's always going to be someone who just doesn't see the ruddy obvious.

mysticminstrel Sun 22-Sep-13 00:22:32

I really do think your friend was jokingk, OP.

My two are same sex and less than two years between them - people take delight in pointing out than one is dark haired and blue eyed and the other is blonde and brown eyed. They even talk differently - one speaks BBC english and the other sounds like a sailor on shore-leave.

I can't picture wanting to end a friendship over someone making a joke about it.

northernlurker Sun 22-Sep-13 00:20:26

I think the OP needs to take her own advice.

mysticminstrel Sun 22-Sep-13 00:19:01

So...just say "yes I'm sure they're ID" and move on.

Is it really that annoying? Non twin breeders get this kind of shite too you know? People commenting on how their sibling sets look. know..take a step back?

JollyGolightly Sun 22-Sep-13 00:18:13

Go to bed and get some sleep. You will probably gain some perspective by the morning.

PrincessScrumpy Sun 22-Sep-13 00:14:20

Er I don't want to end friendship as I've said in the thread title and explained again. I've had 2 years of rude and stupid comments and this, I agree is not rude but still made me think I couldn't write a response as I might offend her by pointing out the obvious.
I don't hate her and i'm not fuming it just summed up some of the things people think about twins - pulling different faces, must not be id.
Any way think some posters may need to lighten up.

RedPencils Sun 22-Sep-13 00:11:16

Its just one of those annoying things people say about twins
I get 'are they ID' all the time, mine are as unalike as you can imagine (one is blonde the other has black hair)
Same as
Are there twins in the family?
Did you know you were having two?
Which one is the good/bad one?
Do they get on?
How did you manage etc etc etc.

Don't let it wind you up.

northernlurker Sun 22-Sep-13 00:10:58

Nobody's having a go at you but you've got this completely round your neck and willl end up upsetting your friend and wrecking the friendship. It's a passing comment describing how she saw something. It means nothing.

Roshbegosh Sun 22-Sep-13 00:08:34

She hasn't been sarcastic and we aren't having a go. Of course you wouldn't end a friendship for this. I think if you had a good sleep you would feel fine.

mysticminstrel Sun 22-Sep-13 00:06:54 put a picture of your DTs on facebook for your friends to admire and comment.

Which they duly did.

But you didn't like the comment.

Because they made a joke.

And now you want to end a friendship over it?

I can see why people are struggling to validate you over this, tbh. Just be grateful anybody was remotely interested in your fb pictures of your kids in the first place.

PrincessScrumpy Sun 22-Sep-13 00:03:00

I don't want to end the friendship but when people say something stupid it's hard not to be sarcastic back so I've bitten my tongue. This isn't aibu i'm not looking for an argument or aggression. It was fairly light hearted frustration but turns out people are in a bad mood and want to have a go at me tonight. The multiples thread used to be kind. Shame it's changed.

northernlurker Sun 22-Sep-13 00:01:58

Well firstly all sorts of people will answer you, not just twin mums, I have three dcs myself, all singletons. Secondly sometimes a rant is justified and sometimes the most supportive thing is to point out to a poster that they are in danger of making a bit of an error of judgement. Support and agreement are not necessarily the same thing.

PrincessScrumpy Sat 21-Sep-13 23:59:30

How is it over reacting to say something annoyed me today when I've done nothing about it other than say to other mums of multiples that I came on here to have a bit of a rant?

northernlurker Sat 21-Sep-13 23:57:31

WHo cares? Even ID twins seem to go through phases of being more or less alike. Are you going to end friendships every time somebody points out differences between your no doubt lovely children? I agree, you need to get a grip asap.

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