Twin/life balance?(8 Posts)
Prior to being blessed with twins, I used to enjoy seeing friends, going to a gig watching football etc. My DW also had similar interests obviously.
It feels that with twins (9 wks old) all that is gone forever.
Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but at the moment DW isn't confident looking after both DS in her own and so the only time away I get is whilst at work, from which I must return promptly. My friends are slowly stopping from asking me if I fancy a drink after work ("not even just for an hour?"). Conversely, although she has only taken up the offer a couple of times, I'm happy holding the fort whilst DW takes time out to visit her friend who has also given birth or to go shopping.
How does everyone manage it? Am I expecting too much at such a young age (9wks)?
the first few months with twins are really intense. your old life is not gone forever, but may be on hold. I'm sure once you let your friends know you are available again in a few months they will invite you out again.
who looks after the babies whilst your at work if your dw can't cope on her own?
I just replied on your other thread - what I would say is the idea of managing alone is worse than the reality. Do you know what aspect of it your wife is frightened by? I was quite frightened at the prospect of keeping them staggered on feeds so I could feed and change them one at a time, and dreaded them both always needing to be fed at the same time. It's OK once you get started - feed times can be more flexible than you might think. Get a notebook and jot down feed times, and then you have an aide memoire for when to aim at for the next one.
Also, I assumed I would never get out of the house with them during the day, or at least that each outing would be like a polar expedition. The first few days or outings can be difficult and awkward while you find your feet and get to grips with buggies, but you quickly get adept and your wife should be encouraged to be confident enough to give it a go. And in fact it's really important to get out of the house with twins on a daily basis.
If she starts with a walk to the shop to buy a loaf of bread, the worst that can happen is you mess up the timings and find you're in the queue to pay when one or both of them decides he's hungry. So then you hurry home and feed them, possibly with lots of screaming, but it's not the end of the world if they cry. Stressful to hear, but in the scheme of things not a huge problem and it doesn't mean you won't get it right next time.
And when you do get out and about, you will have strangers come up to you and admire them, and frankly admire YOU! If you feel that you haven't got a clue what you're doing, you will get an instant ego boost from people saying how cute they are and how they wouldn't know how to deal with two babies.
Maybe it would help if a friend/relative could come and spend the day with your wife, but on strict instructions only to be in the room and not help her unless things get way out of hand? If she has the safety net but tries to get through the day dealing with them herself, she's got the chance to see what works and doesn't work, maybe have some helpful observations from her friend and build up her confidence. And if you haven't already, maybe buy her a present and card from the twins calling her the best mummy in the world - silly but it does help you feel they're happy!
I hope this is helpful. It's really important that you both feel able to manage them on your own sometimes, but as for the socialising specifically well things have just changed hugely. Your friends must realise that, and you will be back in circulation at some point - provided that your wife does begin to feel confident that she can manage on her own for a whole day.
Well I can't remember anything before the boys were about 3 months! And the rest of that first year was a bit vague.
When you are asked out, just make it clear you are muddling through for the moment - insist they keep asking (make a joke about it). In a few months everything will be much easier. At 9 weeks the babies demands are changing every 10 minutes, that will settle down.
Boys are now 2. DH has been back at the pub quiz most weeks for over a year, I ride
most some weekends. I still don't cope well if I am expecting him home and his plans change. (He on the other hand is eminently capable).
Enjoy these first weeks with your teeny babies.
You will get your life back (or part of it)
but becoming parents is lifechanging, let alone with twins
And becoming a mother is the greatest shock of all
Treat your wife kindly
It's not a question of what other people think she should be able to do, it's what she thinks she can do. Don't expect too much, let her find her feet in her own time.
She will love you for it
you are worried after just 9 weeks? I think you need to wait a bit before you expect life to carry on as normal to be honest.
Would you feel confident if left on your own with them both?
It is still early days, but I do wonder what your wife is worried about. My husband had two weeks paternity leave and then I was on my own with our twins from 7am to 7pm. It was fine. We got into a routine and it was prefectly achievable. Having children does change your life of cuorse, but it doesn't mean that everything else has to be forgotten.
I think its really normal to feel a bit scared deep down about looking after both babies alone; especially if they are your first. I was terrified without my husband for the first 4-5 months, especially when he did night shifts and i had to do the 'horror hour' (we loving nicknamed it) 2am feed alone! I would absolutely dread him not being there, because its such hard work and a little bit scarey, although of course the idea of things is normally worse than the reality. Give yourselves time, its very early days, things are a bit crazy for a while as new parents. Try to give each other time out, even if its just an hour whilst you push babies in the pram, dont worry about your social life too much, your true mates will realise you are a bit busy at the moment - to say the least. That said, try to keep something for yourself, it keeps you sane. Look after each other, its tough going at the beginning, but your lovely babies are a blessing, and us twin parents are made of special stuff. Good luck
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