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Why is there a concept that muslim women cant have Pnd

(19 Posts)
shazia1 Tue 29-Mar-05 14:23:48

Hiya I ama proud mummy of a 2 yr old and a 5 month old ,,,both girls beautiful but then im biased but as a muslim I am very depressed,,thing is I got married 4 yrs a go and got pregnant straight away ,,i was happy and had a perfect pregnancy...I was having a baby boy and 1 week before he was due I had to go into hospital because there was complications ,,,anyhow he died whilst in emergency c/section being done and to this day i have never forgotten or been able to deal with it,,,,,,though my girls are my lifeline my son was my everything,,,I feel angry with life because after having 3 c/sections i probs cant have anymore children but i tend to live each day thinking wat if my son was alive,,,,my family being muslim thinks i should be over it and that Pnd cannot be exisitent as I have allah,,,which i beleive but everyday when I am at home alone I wish life could go bak and my son be here...how do i get by,,,my hubby and i have not much to talk abt as sumtimes i resent him for not talking abt my son....everyone says u have 2 girls ,,,but my son is not here ...I have found in life that I have broken all ties with freinds and famileis becasue i have not desire to be interested in life other than sit at home thinking of my girls and my dead son,,,i must be maD....sorry to bore u all.......

shazia1 Tue 29-Mar-05 14:27:11

my son died after ten days in neonatal unti,,,,he had become distressed in last stages of pregnancy,,,he was healthy but brain damaged due to not inducing in time,,,,the hospital apologised for not getting him out in time........i bathed him , cleaned him ,,,he was gorgeous just he never opened his eyes,,,,and then one day i had to watch the breath come out of him slowly,,,how do u carry on after sumthing like this passes

northerner Tue 29-Mar-05 14:30:48

Oh Shazia, your post has brought tears to my eyes. I don't know how anyone gets over the loss of a child, but I do know that are Mumsnetters on here who have lost children and I'm sure they will be along soon to talk to you.

After the death of your son did you have any counselling?

Sponge Tue 29-Mar-05 14:31:45

I don't believe you can ever get over something like that. It can stop hurting all the time but it will always be with you. Why should beleiveing in Allah stop you feeling the pain - because your son is with him? Well of course that might be some comfort but also of course you would still rather he was with you. He went too soon and it must be especially painful if you feel the hospital might have been able to prevent it.
Can you talk to a doctor or counsellor - without letting your family know if they would disapprove. It sounds like perhaps they have not let you grieve properly and that is stopping you from moving on.

lisalisa Tue 29-Mar-05 14:31:48

Message withdrawn

Twiglett Tue 29-Mar-05 14:33:15

I think there is a huge difference between PND and Grief. I think what you are suffering from is grief over the death of a loved one. Of course you shouldn't be 'over it', you will never be 'over it' but you will one day be able to accept it and deal with it.

I do not know what bearing being Muslim has on it.

If you want more children you can have them. 3 sections is a UK guideline, there are people posting here who have many more (zippy springs to mind, and lisalisa has had 4 I believe)

I do not know what to suggest, but could you go and speak honestly to your GP

PrettyCandles Tue 29-Mar-05 14:33:17

Oh, Shazia, how awful for you. How awful also not to have your continuing grief and pain not recognised by your family.

Do you want to find a way within your religion to help you, or do you want your family to accept your position?

NomDePlume Tue 29-Mar-05 14:34:16

shazia, I'm so sorry to hear about your little boy, what a tragic story. I'm sure you know that it is 100% natural to be totally grief-stricken by an event like this, especially if you feel as if people would rather you 'just got on with things'. Have you had any professional support since the death of your son ? Counselling or another form of bereavement support ?

I'm not a muslim and so I'm afraid I can't offer an answer as to why PND doesn't seem to be as culturally accepted as it is in other more Westernised (?) religions/cultures.

Enormous hugs, Shazia. I really think that all parents who have suffered loss should be offered appropriate support regardless of their religion.

flamesparrow Tue 29-Mar-05 14:37:46

I am not muslim, and am fortunate enough not to have suffered like you have... I just really wanted to come and give you some hugs and support.

I don't think that the pain of anything like that ever leaves you, and having Allah or any other belief might help, but it won't magically fix it - I'm assuming that muslim belief is like most others, and that all things happen for a reason (even if we don't know what they are), and not that by having belief you will not feel pain and suffering.

I agree that a spiritual leader of some sort might be of help to letting your family understand how you feel, and also with Sponge that you need to be able to grieve properly.

Huge hugs

xxx

suzywong Tue 29-Mar-05 14:41:15

oh you poor woman, you have all my sympathy, please use Mumsnet to talk and talk and get support

shazia1 Tue 29-Mar-05 14:42:51

thank u for all your message guys,,, i am due to have couselling soon after my docter put me forward for it in confidence,,,after my son died i went bak to work and also tried to forget but i couldnt,,,the way it all happened was sudden that i wished sumhow i could go bak to being 38 weeks out shopping for his clothes ,,so i got pregnant quickly and when i found out i was having a girl,,u know i creid all the way home from my 20 week scan because i hadnt realised that it wasnt my son but a new baby,,,it then dawned on me he was gone,,,today god has given me two beautiful girls and i love them so much maybe tooo much,,,that i just cant get over the past....the worst is when i go into muslim or any asian gathering with my children ,,,,,people always stare and ask .....do u not have a son???????which has made me stay away from such gatherings ,,,because in asian society if you have not son and just have girls they look down at u?????this gets me even more depressed becasue i want to shout out ,,,I had a son and he was so beautiful but hes not here????/
than u for all ur comments

shazia1 Tue 29-Mar-05 14:45:44

I have become so weak that i tend to cry all the time but i need to become stronger and go bak to work or get out of the house,,,,i feel like my daughters must get bored of seeing a sad mummy all time.....why is it i just feel like sitting at home watching the days go bye

NomDePlume Tue 29-Mar-05 14:50:38

shazia, you are not weak, you are a mother greiving for her son.

FWIW, Islam has always struck me as quite a conservative religion, perhaps the lack of PND/grief support has connections to that - showing feelings is a weakness ? I'm so very sorry if this is a completely innacurate view, as I said I know very little about your culture other than the Media presents (I live in a predominantly white area)

shazia1 Tue 29-Mar-05 14:51:30

I hope counselling will help me,,,bcos i cant cope anymore really,,,i have tried to stay out of communties and freindships have gone due to my feeling of wanting to be alone....

Sponge Tue 29-Mar-05 14:52:38

It's good that you've spoken to someone and are due to see a counsellor. I hope they can help you come to terms with what has happened. And whatever yuor religion says your daughters are not second best. Of course they aren't a replacement for your lost son but nor would another boy be. I know you know that as you've said how much you love them but it's very sad that members of your community make you feel this way.

sahara Tue 29-Mar-05 15:05:46

shazia I am a Muslim aswell and up until recently the more militant side of it always made me believe that their was no support for me in the Muslim world. But I have a great SIL who is really knowledgable on things, she has educated me so much that I know my rights etc.
She has told me that their are Muslim councillors who help you to cope with depression. She is looking into it for me as she knows others who attend.
I was told that having faith in Allah means that it's almost a sin to be depressed as I am somehow saying that I'm displeased with his plan for me. That's not true.
No woman, wether Muslim or not, would not have been affected by what you have been through.
Insha-Allah (if god is willing) things will look up for you. I haven't felt your loss but I can imagine it.
I feel for you and you are right to seek help. Being a Muslim doesn't mean you can't feel loss.
Just remember that why ever we wre made, we were made with the ability to feel loss so surely it is only natural and a gift from Allah to be able to grieve. So grieve as much as you need to.
lol

shazia1 Tue 29-Mar-05 16:35:26

thank u for all messages,,,,

JuJuMoo Mon 04-Apr-05 18:45:07

Salaam Shazia. Your story is so touching, I will make du'aa for you sister. I'm a british revert and I guess I look at Islam differently as I never learn't Islam "culturally."

PND does exist but I agree with the others that what you are suffering from is grief. Counselling and antidepressants may help this and I really don't think you should shy away from this practical assistance too, Allah swt has created this things to help us, with his will, inshallah, will they work.

I'm so so sorry about your son, Pr. Mohammad (pbuh) was angry when people even way back in his time preferred boys to girls so by following the Sunnah, boys are NO more better than girls; but I know favouring boys ~still~ goes on in many muslim cultural groups. It's sad as girls are such a blessing too, just in a different way. I think there is a Hadith that says having three girls who grow up pious is a way to Jannah - proving that in the eyes of Allah swt, both sexes are important.

Your husband probably deals with things differently than you, and I think it is normal for him to not want to discuss your son with you too much. Islamically, remember that your husband has the role of protector and by talking about your son he may be scared that he will break down and also he is probably feeling that he must be strong in order to help you. Men, (not just muslim men!) tend to deal with pain by shutting it out, but by bottling it up in often makes it worse, especially for us women, so try too grieve, and if you need to cry - do it!

Allah swt will reward you sister for every second you were pregnant with your son, and he sends the pious challenges to test them, so with every second you cope with your pain, you will see the rewards hereafter sister. You have probably heard this before, but when you think about it it's really true: Your son is better off with Allah swt and Jannah is better off for having your son, and you are better off for knowing you son can enjoy the endless bounties of paradise without having to suffer the increasing pains, troubles and distructions of this world.

Dear sister, try and enjoy the time with your girls, they will make you laugh smile and indeed cry! But they are both blessings.

I hope you feel better soon.

Wa Salaam xxxx

shazia1 Wed 06-Apr-05 23:28:36

thank u

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