Hi PK
Thanks for emailing me. I was going to write back to you off-line, but I've decided that this is such a difficult subject we probably need as much input as we can get from all of MNet. Not only is this a difficult subject, but it is sensitive and my take on it is controversial, so please, Mnetters, share your views with us, but keep calm!
I've been thinking around these questions from the point of view of my children, who are Vietnamese and Cambodian. So all of my thoughts are from a SE Asian perspective. I won't even attempt to translate them into a black perspective as I know nothing about black culture or history.
I think that you need to look at the issues on two levels. This is going to sound very cynical, but first you need to work out what you think, then you need to identify what your social workers want you to think. If you are lucky, they will be the same, but there is no guarantee of that. If they don't mesh, then I suggest that you swallow your doubts, toe the line and tell them what they want to hear. Social workers, like any professional (or ethnic!) group, are not entirely homogeneous. We have dealt with five of them through the course of two adoptions and they were all very different. We were fortunate in that they were all intelligent, thoughtful and well-disposed to inter-country adoption and our last social worker was happy to discuss some of these cultural issues in a very useful and developed way. But I'm aware that some social workers don't meet these standards, cannot think beyond a simple 'party line' and couldn't embrace let alone have an original thought.
Here are the generally accepted social work tenets on inter-racial adoption:
"You have to bring up your children to be proud of their culture/heritage": I really struggle with this. Not the sentiment, but the detail. What is my children's culture/heritage? Tamsin is racially Cambodian but left Cambodia at 12 months old. So is her 'racial heritage' Cambodia as it was in 2002 when she was born, Cambodia as it will be when she is old enough to understand it, the culture of first generation or second generation Cambodian immigrants in the UK (which is radically different from those in Cambodia), a Disneyfied version of Cambodia embracing festivals, cooking (not a big part of a culture where there has historically never been enough to eat!), Angkor Wat and national dancing or the historical Cambodia that has shaped today's generation of Pol Pot, war, corruption and one of the highest rates of infant mortality in the world? Or a combination of all of these? Will it help her sense of identity if we, her white English parents, attempt some third rate Cambodian cooking? Possibly. Should we be introducing her to the Khmer community in the UK, with whom she has nothing in common other than her race? Maybe.
Even more difficult for me intellectually is the concept that your cultural inclinations, your aspirations, your identity is necessarily defined by your race. A sort of 'black woman don't like Beethoven', 'Pakistanis don't go hill-walking' and 'all Indians love Bollywood'. Isn't that, I hesitate to say this, racist? Why should my children be defined by a culture that their third generation peers are probably eschewing? My children haven't 'lost their culture' they have just replaced it with a very rich and varied one (Shakespeare, Wren, McDonalds and Madonna) that isn't generally associated with their racial type.
Our answer to all of this is a bit of a cop-out. We do try to have lots of age-appropriate SE Asian stuff around - books that include or even 'star' SE Asian children, Asian Barbie, Mulan etc. But our key way to get Issy and Tamsin to understand their racial culture will be to take them back to Vietnam and Cambodia. Early and often. We will also encourage and help them develop any interest that they show in their birth countries and the culture of their birth countries. So a trip when they are 7 might prompt some Vietnamse cooking, if that's what they want to do. A holiday in Cambodia when they are 11, might prompt Tamsin to learn some Khmer for next time. All of this is aimed at getting them to understand that there is somewhere where their parents are a minority and they are not, to understand why they might have been made available for adoption and to feel comfortable about their birth countries (those two might be mutually incompatible). This is of course much easier for us than for you as I'm not sure where you would take your child. Where are his roots - geographically or culturally? Black Africa, the Caribbean, first/second/third generation Black immigrant culture? And if you choose the last of these, do Black immigrants really share a common culture or does it contain the same multiplicity of attitudes, inclinations, music, writing and cuisine that is inherent in white culture? Trevor MacDonald or Puff Daddy? Discuss!
"Peer-groups are important": Yes. I whole-heartedly agree with this one. Phew! You need to and you need to be able to show your social workers how you will create a peer group for your child of other (preferably black) inter-racially adopted children. If you go on to some of the bulletin boards (try Yahoo Groups "International-Adopt-Talk" - although beware, it's very extreme) you can read what is important to inter-racially adopted adults and that includes friendships with others who were internationally adopted. They quite rightly say that nobody else understands what it is really like to 'not belong entirely, anywhere'.
"You must find mentors/role models for your children": Again, this seems sensible and you need to marshall all the black friends and colleagues and their children you can to provide role models and mentors for your child and you need to show the social workers that you have done so and will continue to maintain and work at that network.
"Resources are important and you can never read or learn enough": Yes again. As well as books (give a reading list to your social worker!), there are internet support groups and groups like the Overseas Adoption Helpline and Oasis that arrange talks on inter-country and so often inter-racial adoption. Try the Yahoo Groups 'adoption parenting' as a starting point. You may also find adoptive-parents there who will be able to give you more support, information and advice on how to deal with your social workers.
"Life books are a good tool": This again seems right to me. Explain how you will create a life book for your child. This is a dynamic project that you will start off doing for your child and then do with your child. A life book starts from pre-birth and has pictures, notes, documents and other materials that illustrate where your child comes from and where he fits into his world. We have done one for Issy that starts with the very beginning of our adoption process and we continue to add photos as important events occur or people come into or go out of her life.
"Your child will encounter racism and adoption issues": I'm not sure that this is always true. It depends. It depends on where the child lives, the groups within which it moves, its ethnicity and its own personality. But it's probably right to take it as a given, prepare for it and if it doesn't happen, great. It's certainly appropriate to adopt this line with your social workers - it's a kind of development on 'love is not enough'. Dealing with those issues will be difficult and this is where your peer groups, role models, resources and all the work you have done to make your child feel comfortable about where he comes from, comes in.
"Inter-racial adoption is not ideal":One point that it may be worth getting across to the social workers is that you acknowledge that inter-racial adoption is never the ideal solution. If appropriate, it's best that the child stays with its family, if that is not an available option it's best that the child is adopted within its race and inter-racial adoption is the third best option. But for some individual children, given all their circumstances, it remains the best option. Here is where you need to get your social workers to balance the race issue against all the other issues - that it is in the best interests of the child that his future is secured as quickly as possible through adoption and the risk of emotional damage, attachment difficulties and even adoption disruption if that adoption takes place outside your family. One of our social workers (a Court appointed Guardian-ad-litem) wrote in a report about Tamsin that she had been with us a year, she was completely attached to us and it would be 'absolutely devastating' for her to be taken away from us (there was never any threat that she would be!). Quite. And I'm confident that his view would have been the same if there was a Cambodian family in the UK who wanted to adopt her at that point. It may well be worth reading up on 'attachment disorder' or 'reactive attachment disorder' or anything you can lay your hands on about the emotional risks to a child of a change of carers and environment at this age. You need to get the social workers to start balancing the risks of race issues (all of which you are well-equipped to deal with) against the potential and unknown emotional damage (that can be very tough to overcome).
If (big 'if') you have the money, it might be worth trying to find an independent social worker who has dealt with the social workers in your LEA and who can help you 'explore the issues' i.e. coach you about what your LEA social workers will be looking for. It might also be worth contacting the British Association of Adoption and Fostering, a nationally recognised standards body, to find out what best practice is in domestic inter-racial adoptions. Their advice and assistance could be very powerful. They even have a very academic quarterly magazine you can subscribe to.
I hope all of this helps. If I can think of anything else I'll add it. Sorry this is so long, but it touches a lot of points I've been thinking about recently. Don't hesitate to contact me off-line if you want to.
Do I get the prize for the longest ever posting on Mumsnet?