MIL HATRED

[Anonmum101]

I am a first time mum and my son was born in May. I have issues with my MIL I cannot shake off. Here is a little run down

First time I met her for dinner she took no interest in me and I pretty much sat in silence while she chatted to my bf about people only they knew. I have been in a relationship with my bf for nearly 6 years in Feb and she only took interest in me when I announced I was pregnant. Before that she has had a photo of my bf and his ex, ex, ex gf in a heart shaped frame in her home (this was only taken down when I was pregnant). She is now taking an interest in my job, the fact I can speak another language because I am Chinese. I knew she would have preferred my bf back with his then ex tall and blonde. As she bumped into her years ago when we were just dating and asked my bf would he get back with her.

She is only interested in her children and grandchildren, outsiders such as myself and her son in law. She openly says in front me and my partner when she (her daughter) gets rid of him (son in law). It’s because she wants to be needed. She talks about her SIL and shit stirs and I know she is doing the same with me.

So since being pregnant constantly asking when I am going back to work, even though I have told her. She has already asked to look after my baby when I am at work (all whilst I am STILL pregnant) At least allow me to give birth and spend time with my baby. She can’t wait to get her hands on him. But as I am breastfeeding she has to be around me.

When he was a few months and he was starting to develop his features tell me she thought she looked like her other grandson who has two white parents. He has distinctive Asian eye yet she still says he looks like my partner. Who has also said he takes after me.

She is also now considering moving a 2 min walk from us which will mean she will be around all the time.

I am due to go back to work part time in Feb and I need to start considering what to do with the BF. He will have to go on formula as he is going to nursery and that will mean she can have full reign over my baby whilst I am not around and she will.

This is I know the irrational part but I have to say it. She is going to take my baby away and he won’t love me and our bond will be gone.

I hate MIL so much because she is fake, selfish as she constantly wants to break lockdown to see us even when one of the other grandchildren had to self isolate when she had spent a while day with him. Feel her encroaching and trying to tighten her grip on my baby. I hate her with a passion but I can’t say any of this to my partner.

Any help would be much appreciated

[Hailtomyteeth]

Lose the partner, lose the mother.

[maryberryslayers]

You don't have to have her around all the time, why do you feel like you do? Does she have keys to your home? Just say 'no MIL, now is not convenient for me. DH and I are free for an hour on Saturday so please come over then'. Or let your DH make plans with her, if you get fed up, take DS out fir a walk alone.
As for looking after your baby, why would you need to let her, just put him in nursery, it's not her decision.
Even when he's having bottles you can give them to him every single time.
You don't have to do anything you do t want to do, just say no.

[Anonmum101]

@Hailtomyteeth I have actually considered leaving him and therefore her too however he would still have access and ergo she will still be there

[Anonmum101]

@maryberryslayers I would say something if the plans weren't made without me. My partner decides and or the plans are made when I am not in the room. The MIL has already asked to have my baby one afternoon every week and my partner said yes. Without speaking to me, the only reason I knew was because I was in another room upstairs. I say I want my mum to spend time with my baby and he isn't keen. He also isn't keen with our baby learning to speak Cantonese. I am quite prepared to walk away it's one rule for him and another for me. I don't want the MIL to monopolise my baby. I just wish she would back off and include me in conversations about where it involves my baby.

The whole thing is draining and this anxiety I feel isn't going away.

I know it's sounds irrational but they just want the baby and couldn't care less if I was around. If they had their way they would prefer it that way. Me out of the picture

[Geppili]

You have to get out of this situation. It sounds awful.

[CostaDelCovid]

@Anonmum101 Omg OP are you ok?? How are things now???

I can't believe you haven't had more replies to this.

Please come back, we can support you

[faithfulbird20]

Let her carry on plotting. That's her Job it seems like. I'd let her waste her time and energy and carry on doing what she's doing. That child will always be yours. If you have a good relationship with her son then why break it off and let it affect you. I'd suggest letting her look after the baby she'll soon get exhausted and she'll back off. Let her say what she wants and laugh in your head. The more they see you get irritated the more they do it. Just avoid telling you're partner about it all because he'll get defensive and will side with the mother. I'm sure he knows what she she does and he'll deal with it his own way. Men notice, trust me, even after a few incidents they might just get defensive. If she's playing the game you play it back. If your child's eyes look Asian then tell her 'ohh really everybody tells me he looks more Asian'...

[faithfulbird20]

How's your relationship with your bf? Now reading back he should have asked her to take that pic down of him and his ex and stuck up for you when she asked him about getting back with the ex. Did he tell u she said that?

[1forAll74]

Never mind the MIL dislike, she sounds very controlling and awful. The question would be, do you still wan't to be with your BF, when he does not support your wishes in any way, and looks to his Mother moreso. You most probably don't wish to split up with him,unless he can man up and do the right thing for you and your child. Unless you can speak up for yourself regarding the nuisance MIL, and tell her to step back a bit, things won't improve I fear.

[MusicalTrifleMonkey]

Where is your partner in all of this? You need to try and broach the subject with him. She doesn’t need to have access to your child at all if you don’t allow it. Don’t let her babysit, don’t let her make choices for your baby. You need to stay firm.

No one can take your bond with your baby away from you. You are mum and no one can change that. Your baby loves you and your MIL won’t be able to affect that.

[MusicalTrifleMonkey]

Just read your third update, I missed it. I would not be staying with your partner to be honest, he doesn’t sound supportive at all.

[ColdCottage]

Your bond won't be gone. Please don't worry about that. You are his mother and will be number 1 to him.

She sounds like an odd lady with issues. Ignore her. Enjoy your baby and see anytime she babysits as her learning to be more tolerant to other cultures and time for you.

Your baby will never love her more abs maybe she will change as he grows.