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to think that MIL can't s*** on my family and then make a printed announce to the world claiming herself as a victim?

(65 Posts)
Isababel Sat 01-Sep-07 10:13:57

It's been a long time since I don't complain wholeheartedly about my MIL, but as a background.... she ruined my wedding by having a go at me because I had covered her in shame for not agreeing to her every whim about how SHE wanted the day to be(regardless of us paying to feed HER 70 personal guests a seven course dinner).
She humilliated me at any visit we paid her saying charming things that went from constantly comparing me with DH's ex (in public) or asking me to pretend to be Spanish as she was embarrased of my Latin American origin. Last time we stayed at her house I ended up locking myself and my baby in the bathroom while she banged the door and yelled claiming I was the mother of all her misfortunes. She asked DH to choose between her and me before leaving the house on that day. Apart from other little charms not worth mentioning here

In the last few years, I have tried to pretend these horrible things didn't happen, we have visited her when we are in Spain, but she blames the distance between DS and her on me. She has forgot to notice that being a family, trips are more expensive and therefore spaced between them. She is totally oblivious to the problems she has caused, she doesn't follow any rules, "I may be the mother but she has the experiences" she says, even if that means feeding DS things he is severely allergic to. However, during all these years she has been telling anyone who wants to hear it that I am blocking her from seeing her grandchild.

So... the thing is... she is having a solo exhibition (she is a painter) and has decided to add an ego trip as a preface of the exhibition catalogue, which includes a photo of DS with the words "The grandchild I do not know" under it. How dare she??? she has made everything possible to ruin our marriage, she doesn't follow advice to keep DS safe. She doesn't understand that we are no longer in a economical position to visit her ever 6 weeks, but worse than all, she fails to accept that she is the main person to blame for such distance, nobody wants to spend days with a person who keep yelling at her son, humilliating her DIL and risking her granchild's life in the process.

How does she expect us to be happy to show up at family gatherings when the rest of the family have only heard her version of the events? we can not even pretend these things have not happened even for her own sake.

So... am I unreasonable to feel like erradicating her prescence from my house, from the family albums to the her leftover paintings. I don't want anything, ANYTHING to remind me about her!

Am I unreasonable for this?

Isababel Sat 01-Sep-07 10:16:59

Oh... and this was meant to be in the "Am I unreasonable to.." topic blush

mamazon Sat 01-Sep-07 10:18:05

you are not unreasonable for not wanting to be reminded of her, she sounds awful. BUT irradicatingher from YOUR prescence is one thing, you shouldn't remove her from yrou childs.

by all means store any photo's elsewhere but keep a couple in an album in yoru child's room. he has the right to know who is gran is even if he doesn't see her.

hertsnessex Sat 01-Sep-07 10:20:28

she soounds evil! YANBU

NurseyJo Sat 01-Sep-07 10:20:43

Message withdrawn

peanutbear Sat 01-Sep-07 10:20:54

no you are not being unreasonable its not easy to travel abroad with children as it is without facing abuse at the other end

how does your dh feel about it? hasnt she got other granchildren ?

EscapeFrom Sat 01-Sep-07 10:21:03

She is throwing herself a pity party, and the whole world is invited. let your son keep a photo album just for him, I second madamez.

Isababel Sat 01-Sep-07 10:22:45

He sees her when we visit, even if DH and I come out fuming because she keeps telling DS we are not allowing her to see her! shock

TBH we don't keep photos in the bedrooms, and I would love DS to see her more if we could trust her not to give him peanuts or she stopped telling him "we" are not allowing to see her.

Everytime we are in her city, we visit her, and that visit is always initiated (foolishly) by me as DH is not interested. Actually, we didn't visit her last time, but that was because DH refused point blank fo DS and me to meet with her. Obviously she is also blaming me for that, eventhough it was DH's decision.

cornsilk Sat 01-Sep-07 10:24:43

good for your dh taking your side!

lailasmum Sat 01-Sep-07 10:25:17

You have a right to block your sons image in that catalogue, she should have got your express permission before printing a photo of him, though it may be difficult if your partner agrees. She sounds like a nightmare and worth avoiding. Doesn't sound like you would be at a a loss if you never saw her. Your child can always rekindle the relationship at a later date when he can stick up for himself. family relationships should not be such a hideous experience as this.

peanutbear Sat 01-Sep-07 10:26:14

i would let time slip quietly by if dh doesnt make a fuss about seeing her i would just not mention it again

i know it sounds cruel and nasty but if she gives hime nuts when he is allergic she is as mad as a box of frogs

Isababel Sat 01-Sep-07 10:26:43

She doesn't have other grandchildren, DH is annoyed but he says, that after all, it is his mother. Which is true, but... I wouldn't allow my mother to act like that towards him.

Just last week I told him that we should invite her to spend a weekend with us! I have even trying to convince DH to see her at Christmas if she, as we, was willing to pretend all those things didn't happen and start again. Obviously I have just called it off (she was not yet informed about Christmas by the way)

peanutbear Sat 01-Sep-07 10:28:16

i wouldnt want a picture of my children in a catologue with a phrase like that underneath either

Isababel Sat 01-Sep-07 10:28:42

oh... ans she didn't want to came for the weekend unless I told her myself (she seems to be looking for me to apologise, although to be honest, I can't see why I should apologise after all that misery)

She sounds terrible, what does your DH think about this? surely he should be backing you up on this and telling her a few home truths

lisad123 Sat 01-Sep-07 10:29:54

I understand what you are going thought Sad but true my LIL and FIL are the same, its very strange. Their issue with isnt my eithic origins but my religious beliefs. I wont bore you with details but we get same issues with being yelled at, told im no good, my dh should leave me and our DDs. They dont call or send pressies but think we should call them all the time and kick off if we dont send presents. We havent seen them in nearly 3 years, and they fail to grasp the idea that 5 hours trip with children is difficult, especially when we have to pay to stay somewhere as well as we are no longer welcome to stay in their home
After all that background, I would say YANBU, but I have told DH he is not allowed to cut them off completely. The reason for this is the children. They are still the GP, they are still part of their family history and the girls can decide when to cut them out when they are older. I dont want to be the reason that my children dont know their GP. I didnt know my dad's parents as they died before i was born. I dont know if you are able to deal with it or not, but be as polite as poss, maybe dont visit more than you have to, send the childrens school photos, cards blah blah.
HTH

Lisa

NurseyJo Sat 01-Sep-07 10:31:18

Message withdrawn

Isababel Sat 01-Sep-07 10:32:05

He won't tell her any home truths, to be honest I can not even be sure he is on my side. He tells me many things that make the things worse (that I think he should keep to himself), but then when his mum has confronted him about something, he has been known to blame the thing on me, even when I wasn't involved AT ALL, to avoid her anger. Which obviously makes the situation worse for me.

Isababel Sat 01-Sep-07 10:58:19

BTW the catalogue is printed, and distributed, the exhibition started a week ago. We only got the catalogue by post this morning.

IKnowExactlyHowYouFeel Sat 01-Sep-07 11:09:14

Isabela, I've cahnged my name for this because I don't post about my MIL anymore but I wanted to give you my sympathy.

My MIL used to be like that and Dh was the same in rarely standing up to her(apart from one time when she hit me when i was holding 5week old ds1!!)

I had yeras and years of abuse from her, it would get better then it would all start again.

I stopped her seeing Ds1 when he was baby, and he was over a yr old before she saw him again.

I listed all the things that happened between us it would make your hair stand on end.


She only saw ds3 twice, 1st at 6 months and the 2nd time at about 9months and she ignored us(me and the children) in the street. That was the final straw for me.

I wasn't willing to see her ever agian if she was perfectly able to walk passed her granchildren in the street. Even Ds1 asked why she hadn't spoke to them.

She died last year and although I was sad that DH had lost his mum, the one and only thing I felt for me and the children was relief. I cried but because I was finally free, that woman had made my life a misery for near in 10 years and I was free. It was over.

I remeber years before me and Dh lived together a friend saying to me "You do realise that she(mil) will always be a problem in your lives" and she was..right up until the end.

The one good thing I got from her is how to be a good MIL. My boys will never have to worry about how I'll treat their wives and girlfirends because I know, first hand how bloody horrible it is to be on the rcieveing end.

pagwatch Sat 01-Sep-07 11:23:34

Hello
can i just say that sadly there can be times where the enviroment becomes so toxic that actually a grandparent should be cut off. We have done it with DH's parents. My eldest DS is 14 and youngest child is 4 but these GP's have never seen 4 year old.
It was AGONY to make that decision but the behaviour of the GP's became so unacceptable and the final decision felt like, and still feels like, such a relief.
This all happened just before my dad died so I really would have done anything to keep the surviveing GP's around but it just was so unbearable for everyone.

I agree with the premise that absoloutely everything should be done to maintain GP's contact but when that access is destroying a childs peace of mind and confidence then the point is reached.
My DS regularly confirms his releif at not being around them anymore and we in turn regularly remind him honestly and faithfully that we will facilitate contact should he wish it.

Everyone is stressing that you must keep relationship with GP's open. My view is that you should do everything you can but always be aware of the effect on your children. As final a resort as it should be we have learnt that sometimes you really have no alternative. It is sad but true

Isababel Sat 01-Sep-07 19:09:04

Thank you for your posts, I understand that talking about these things should not be easy, and to be honest, I don't balem you for changing your name (someway I ask myself why I don't too!)

The think is my MIL attitude is not that one of "I said, she said, I thought, she thought..." like many other more superficial problems between DIL and MIL. She has been brutal and has never gave a chance for us to think the usual "perhaps we misunderstood what she tried to say", she speaks her own mind and unfortunately, she doesn't think nice things very often.

Regarding DS and protecting the relationship with MIL... well, throughout these years I have been putting my face to be smacked again and again, first because my culture doen't entertain the idea of being mean to MILS, second out of respect for DH, and now because the importance for my son to have a relationship with MIL. Unfortunately it's my marriage that has suffered thorughout her interventions, DH and I are no longer in good terms, her rudeness mixed with the attitude of DH of accepting that she is that way and won't change, has take me to the point where I wonder if I would rather finish the relationship with DH than keeping puting up with so many back stabbing from my MIL.

In an otherwise lovely marriage that would be the case, but I don't know if given the current condition of our marriage nowadays it is worth the misery anymore.

Obviously, the one who will end paying for this is DS who may grow up bouncing from one parent to another thanks to the "immesurate" love or selfishness of MIL.
I'm so tired I can't think what else to do. I understand she is DS's mother and my DS's grandmother but it doesn't seem to be any respect left for me as a wife or as a mum.

superalienstitch Sat 01-Sep-07 19:18:46

ignore the stupid cow.

NAB3 Sat 01-Sep-07 19:23:37

Just because she is your child's grand mother doesn't give her the right to see him. FGS She is giving him food that could seriously harm him. Let your motherly instincts out and keep the silly, sad, pathetic, jealous woman away from him.

Miaou Sat 01-Sep-07 19:34:01

Isababel, just realised who you are smile ((((hugs)))) to you; I'm so sorry she is still causing you so much hurt and grief. I'm not on msn so much now (difficult to type whilst holding a baby!) but feel free to offload on me if you see me on line.

I wish I had some good suggestions for you but I don't really - it's a lose/lose situation for you. The problem is that you are just too nice a person to break off contact entirely and I think deep down she knows that, hence she has always got someone to blame. So sorry sad.

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