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bringing up 2nd child as a muslim

(95 Posts)
allybongo66 Fri 31-Mar-17 00:44:12

Hi,
Where do I start!!!
My eldest daughter (26) is pregnant with her second child - she split up with the father of her 1st child when her daughter was about 1 - she has been in a relationship with her muslim boyfriend for 5ish years and her daughter calls him daddy - she is basically not religious just does the normally xmas, easter etc. He is a practicing muslim though not devout but does the usual religious stuff - mosque on a friday etc. She has told me that the baby is going to be brought up a muslim and is going to have a muslim name aswell ( we are white british). I know it makes me sound racist but I'm defininately not. I have issues with her decision- how can you bring one child up basically atheist and another muslim? How will that play out with the older sister? Is she going to feel pushed out, different? I would prefer that its not brought up with any religion and for the child to make the choice when it's at an age where it can understand the cultural and religious differences and not be forced to follow one path or another. Is one child going to be allowed to eat what she wants and the other only Halal? One child eating pork the other not! It seems like its going to be a total minefield! Also in all the years she has been with him she has not met one member of his family - which I find strange but have been told that they are only introduced to the family when they plan to get married! I feel it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to us as her family that it won't be brought up like us but I suppose I'm just being selfish in that respect, but I do feel that she hasn't thought it through properly. Is there anyone else who's been through this dilemma? Advice and reassurance would be greatly appreciated!

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 00:58:02

So he's sip devout he goes to temple, ways only Halal etc but not so devout that he's been sleeping with a non Muslim single mom with out assistant intention of marriage or contraception? Is be hugely concerned about his commitment to her. Do they live together? Is hevaway several nights a week, often uncontactable.

Re religion, I agree with you its gonna cause issues. So what happens when big sister feeds younger sibling sausage? Or lends her her crop top? Or wants to take her out clubbing? I don't understand how you can raise two children in the same homrvso differently. If she adamant be baby be Muslim why not convert and be a Muslim family?

allybongo66 Fri 31-Mar-17 01:19:34

I think his parents are aware of her but I'm not 100% sure of how much they know. He is always contactable and sleeps over a couple of times a week but tend mostly to go back to his parents in the early hours of the morning. She would never convert she is far to independent and feisty to be wife material. She jumps down my throat and tells me to get over it and that it's none of my business but I really can't see how she is going to manage to bring them up so differently!

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 01:22:38

She would never convert she is far to independent and feisty to be wife material so she's on having a baby with a guy who will never introduce her to his family? Will they met the baby? Is that why she wants him raised Muslim?
I think for now all you can do is support her and be there when it comes crashing down his wife finds out or your grand child rebels

PenelopeFlintstone Fri 31-Mar-17 01:25:21

Advise her to try to make it a cross-cultural name so it's not odd if/when they split up? In the way that Naomi suits both Japanese and English a speaking environments.

PenelopeFlintstone Fri 31-Mar-17 01:26:06

And, do you know his age?

Oliversmumsarmy Fri 31-Mar-17 01:34:17

My friend was told the thing about not meeting family before the wedding.

Is she sure he isn't already married.

She would never convert she is far to independent and feisty to be wife material

But is quite happy for her potentially feisty baby to be raised in a religion that she is not happy with

allybongo66 Fri 31-Mar-17 01:37:13

He's definitely not married he's about 27 a couple of years older than her.

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 01:41:11

Are you sure he's boot at least lined up for an arranged marriage?
We can be together for5 years, your child can call me Daddy, were can have a baby together but you can't meet my family unless we're married and we're never going to get married is very convenient for him

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 01:42:03

Tbh I can't imagine allowing a man to be my child's Daddy if he went let me meet his family, let alone a 5 or relationship and another pregnancy.

How old is your GD?

imkeepingthisnamenow Fri 31-Mar-17 01:45:15

To be fair how she raises her child is none of your business.. I have a 10 year old DD and I'm planning on raising my other children I have with DH Muslim. My DD is a practicing Christian as am I! Really the only difference between Islam and Christianity is the prayers and meat! Basically in both religions you're aiming to raise a good, respectful person! Try being non judgmental and a little more positive about your daughters choice in life

highinthesky Fri 31-Mar-17 01:46:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 01:53:05

I have a 10 year old DD and I'm planning on raising my other children I have with DH Muslim. My DD is a practicing Christian as am I
Genuinely curious bit how will you explain this to them? We worship different Gods and one of us is wrong but we don't know which? Me and DD1 are having sausage for tea but you can't because its unclean? DD1 can have a glass of wine but you mustnt. Dd1 can have a bikini for the summer but youcan't ?
I'm not being rude, I'm genuinely interested in how you will reconcile these different ways of life

you're aiming to raise a good, respectful person aren't we all?

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 01:54:15

To be fair how she raises her child is none of your business this is her daughter and children, of course its her business. It doesn't mean she gets a say but it is her family

imkeepingthisnamenow Fri 31-Mar-17 01:58:27

We don't eat pork as we follow the Old Testament, my children are all free to make their own decisions about how they dress and what they drink! DH is happy for our children to make their own decisions as Islam is not about control, it is a way of life! If anyone has read the Koran and the Bible, we all worship the same God, Jesus is a messenger in both books! It's only hard if you make it hard! We, as a family, love each other and God in our own ways!

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 02:04:40

They're allowed top make their own decisions about alcohol and clothes vie not about the rreligions that stipulate strong opinions on it. Anyway ImKeeping it wasn't a judgment, good luck with your family

highinthesky Fri 31-Mar-17 02:21:53

imkeepingthisnamenow you are missing the real issue entirely. It's not one of religion, but culture.

You are married to your DH, i.e. he respects you. The OP's DD is being treated like a prostitute. At least if her partner's parents knew of her, that's how they would see her. To genuine Muslims, marriage is a very big deal.

LellyMcKelly Fri 31-Mar-17 02:35:59

Your daughter is an adult. She and her partner have made this decision. You have a right to be unhappy about it if you choose, but you do not have the right to interfere. You are going to have another grandchild. I hope you enjoy him or her as much as you enjoy your granddaughter.

zzzzz Fri 31-Mar-17 03:06:08

Some of these responses are mind numbingly silly. Why would one child having dietary restrictions be a problem? Do none of you have one vegetarian in the family or one with an allergy?

On the whole mixed culture and religions in the home are really not that hard to manage and neither is bringing up a child in a religion different to your own. Generations of families have mixed religion parents nd the whole they choose one religion for their children.

They've been together for a long time and it may be that his parents are bigoted and hide bound or that his relationship with a white non-Muslim would make his siblings less marriageable. Presumably he is stuck living at home at least publicly but he may also be needed to contribute their and feel unable to leave them.

MaryTheCanary Fri 31-Mar-17 03:10:36

Only on Mumsnet would you get posters saying that it is none of a person's business how their OWN DAUGHTER does things.

The OP does not have any legal right to interfere but she does have the right to have an opinion on it.

Agree that this young woman is being led on and used as a sexual convenience. Does she think the guy may be induced to marry her if she flatters him by bringing up her child as a Muslim? That is the problem here, not the religion itself.

As a PP says, probably the only thing the OP can do right now is get ready to be there when this all goes pear shaped. The idea that a child surrounded by non-Muslims is going to obediently stick to all the rules of Islam all by themselves is just plain silly, anyway.

zzzzz Fri 31-Mar-17 03:14:56

The child will have a Muslim father and a non Muslim mother. I fail to see why that is so hard to manage?

MaryTheCanary Fri 31-Mar-17 03:16:44

Why would one child having dietary restrictions be a problem? Do none of you have one vegetarian in the family or one with an allergy?

????

Dietary restrictions usually mean either a child has medical issues with a food, or has CHOSEN to be a vegetarian etc.

Here, we are talking about a situation where one child is being told, based on no medical grounds whatsoever, that they CANNOT have sausage or non-halal meat etc. and have to go to a mosque that nobody else in the family goes to and pray when nobody else in the family does etc.

"But why, mum? Sophie doesn't have to do this! And SHE gets to eat bacon sandwiches!"

"Because your dad is a Muslim."

"If he's so important, why doesn't he live with us and why do we hardly ever see him and why is it all like a big weird secret when we do see him, like nobody is supposed to know about it?"

(The above assumes that the dad is actually still seeing the family at all 10 years from now, as opposed to being completely and 100% out of the picture, which I would say is actually more likely).

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 03:18:51

I think some of us were just imagining the mommy why questions.

Mommy why cant I eat sausages but X can't?
Momma how come Y can wear a bikini but I'm not allowed?

Simplistic comparisons but you get the point.

Not impossible, clearly it is done in other homes successfully but given that the Muslim parent isn't even resident...

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 03:20:43

And how come we never see Daddy's family? And who is taking me to Mosque abs helping me with my prayers as Daddy isn't here and Sophie said you just close your eyes and put your hands together

Westfacing Fri 31-Mar-17 03:24:26

Not hard to manage zzz, in a marriage or committed relationship, but this guy mostly goes home to his parents house in the early hours! He's a boyfriend rather than a true partner.

I expect the child will be a 'token' Muslim i.e. in name only - the father hardly sounds very devout.

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