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Shall i let my husband take my son to Bangladesh for a holiday?

(21 Posts)
Mummy1976 Sat 07-Nov-15 23:39:17

I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but it was sprung on me tonight and i now feel sick. Ive been dreading this moment.

I'm english, my husband is muslim with Bangladesh parents, he was born here.

I tried so hard to get on the with in laws, did everything to fit in, converted, dressed accordingly, followed the rules but i wasn't good enough. I have no relationship with them at all now. I despise my MIL for how she has treated me. They are typical muslim family, very interconnected, religious etc.

My husband took my MIL to Mekkah last year which I reluctantly agreed to. He came back a practising muslim having not followed the rules previously. He then started forcing it upon the kids without communicating anything to me. My son fitted in and went along, my daughter hated it. My son and my MIL are close. My mil assumes that she is his mother and that I am some horrendous witch that is getting it all wrong. She tries to show her power. When he was little she would literally just take him without me having any say. I was not allowed to hold him or feed him in her house. She asks him questions such as "which culture do you prefer, the one in my house or the one in yours'. In other words who do you prefer, me or your mum. Its painful.

If my son goes to bangladesh, guaranteed the entire family will go in celebration. My MIL, SIL, FIL, husband etc. I can't cope with him being with them for that period of time. Im concerned he will come back religiously brainwashed and it with dent my relationship with him even further. I sometimes feels he would prefer to live with them and not me. Plus all the security, hygiene, medical etc etc, long flight 3 planes to get to the village. I'm really concerned. The last trip my husband went on very nearly ended in divorce because it caused so many issues. This one would be worse.

Help, advise, thoughts, experiences please xx

Scarletforya Sat 07-Nov-15 23:40:05

No way OP.

sleeponeday Sat 07-Nov-15 23:41:41

Brainwashing is not the only possible outcome, I'm afraid.

You need to contact Reunite. Get your ducks in a row.

Jw35 Sat 07-Nov-15 23:47:36

Just no. Seriously don't allow it

VimFuego101 Sat 07-Nov-15 23:48:48

I second the advice to contact Reunite.

NeuNewNouveau Sat 07-Nov-15 23:50:02

How old are the DC OP?

Chippednailvarnish Sat 07-Nov-15 23:50:24

The last trip my husband went on very nearly ended in divorce because it caused so many issues

Are you sure he will bring your DS back?

lunar1 Sat 07-Nov-15 23:51:45

I'd do everything possible to stop it happening.

wickedwaterwitch Sat 07-Nov-15 23:51:51

Just say no. It sounds like a very bad idea.

wickedwaterwitch Sat 07-Nov-15 23:52:24

And of course it's a big deal

Palomb Sat 07-Nov-15 23:52:27

No ywnbu. Run away.

Etak15 Sat 07-Nov-15 23:58:27

It sounds like the family have lived in England a long time, op's husband born here - I don't think they're all going to suddenly abduct the child and not come back!
How is your relationship with dh? (Setting aside the interfering mil) apart from this are things ok? Do you get on ok with the rest of your Inlaws?
Does your son want to go? If he does then why don't you suggest that all go?

ReadFox Sat 07-Nov-15 23:58:42

NO.

brew

Etak15 Sat 07-Nov-15 23:58:55

That you all go that was meant to say!

Mummy1976 Sun 08-Nov-15 00:03:46

Our relationship is strained. We have over the last few weeks started getting along a bit better after being on the brink of divorce for 4 years. All our issues are related to me not getting on with them and not fitting in. I really did try for 10 years but i will never be good enough. I literally have nothing to do with them but i allow my son to visit as they live locally as he enjoys seeing his cousins. My daughter who is 9 refuses to see them. My son will want to go. Anything to spend quality time with his dad and that side of the family and he would jump at the chance.

ReadFox Sun 08-Nov-15 00:05:03

Ekat15, a friend's husband went to boarding school from the age of 11, played cricket and spoke English with only the barest trace of an Indian accent. All very 'western'. It was a facade. Or it was just one side of him.
All was well seemingly when their relationship was happy but as soon as it wasn't he was attempting to get a new passport for dc behind her back.

Mummy1976 Sun 08-Nov-15 00:10:31

I'm not going!! It would mean spending 2 weeks with them non stop, head cover, prayer, religious lectures, pushed from one family member to another. I can't be in the same room with MIL for more than 5 mins without her annoying me. 2 weeks with end very badly

Etak15 Sun 08-Nov-15 00:14:09

It's hard isn't it, as your son gets older though he'll realise how they have treated his mum, at the moment he's blind to it isn't he.
I would let him go but you and dd go too, make a holiday out of it - also piss your mil off at the same time wink

GiddyOnZackHunt Sun 08-Nov-15 00:17:04

I'd be worried that you seem to be getting along better and now this is on the cards. Almost as if he's playing nice before sticking it to you.
I think fuck no.

Katarzyna79 Sun 08-Nov-15 00:42:26

I'm Bangladeshi but born and raised here and I am muslim. But I can tell you for a fact Bangladeshis especially your husbands mils generation are not religious at all, in fact they highly esteem and follow secular values more than people in the west. They ahdere to their culture more than their religion, and their culture is steeped in Indian traditions and Hindu religion too, because prior to Islam they were Hindus, and this has stayed with them. They grow up as muslims so the basic pillars they will observe, its become a part of their culture many of them don't even know why they do these actions. So your typical bangla family in the uk will observe fasting in Ramadan and become super religious for that month, but once that month is over all is forgotten. to be fair its not just Bangladeshis that do this all muslim ethnic groups I can think of in the UK do this.

As for 5 times prayer its very rare to find this in a bangla house, if you try to observe daily prayers they mock you, Friday prayers is enough they see you as pious if you do that its like WOW lol. I know my parents abused me in my twenties when I turned to religion for comfort since my mother was dying? they don't wear the hijab either again they usually turn to this in their old age, wearing it before going grey is again frowned upon. if you are remotely religious or seem to be no bangla locals will visit your house, which is a good way to keep them out, the older generations only like to gossip over tea about other people that's their fave topic.

So this issue with the pilgrimage, when the men start going grey they get scared knowing they're going to meet their Creator, so they start being diligent in their daily prayers, and their wives do the same accordingly this is just prep because soon after they go for the pilgrimage and they will make sure they brag about it before and after. Some do come back better people, but sadly most of them are the same individuals only they have done their pilgrimage so they can say to their community and their sub conscious self tick! Ive done that off my list that which I'm supposed to do as a muslim no one in the "community can bad mouth me". Sadly many things are done for "show" My parents have done none of this mum wanted to sincerely go when she was ill but couldn't physically, dad is anti religion but likes to debate about it lol

As for mil she sounds like atypical Asian one from back home with the village mentality. A lot of them think they literally own their daughter in laws, and ive seen many daughter in laws behave subserviently. Things are changing now largely because the girls don't tolerate it. you need to stand up for yourself, and your husband should defend you too, if not you will not have a happy future together. My sis is in such a position, still under her thumb despite living in her own home now? Her mil used to go to the bloody newsagents across the rd with her to keep an eye on her buying bread, in case she does a runner? loool I laugh because my sis was raised here she was under no duress to stay, I don't understand why she tolerated this behaviour, and continues to do her mils bidding from afar? Your mil sees you as a witch indeed my sis is a witch too. I got lucky with mine in the sense she has dementia so cant or doesn't order me about. ive noticed she has capacity to do it when her daughter visits but I ignore her, ive never followed through, after a few months she realised and stopped. After all she relies on me to care for her, she is a nice woman despite her shortcomings.

Ive never been Bangladesh I'm 35 now I would like to see the place my parents grew up in, but a part of my passion for this has died along with my mother. The people I love are here.

My husband has been trying to persuade me to visit but I have bene told its not so safe with little children mine are between 3-9 years of age. I'd be cautious of people trying to kidnap and hold to ransom your child for money, usually its poor corrupt relatives that will do that. ive not heard of cases in Bangladesh but it happens in Pakistan and India a lot. There is a lot of begging and people will hound you, but this is to be expected in 3rd world countries most of it is harmless, usually kids wanting money but you can't give it to all of them.

Hygiene is not an issue you can stay in hotels which are just as good as the hotels here, they may have local food but it wont be home cooking, they'll have western dishes too.. But for a good experience the village life supersedes city life, and the food is supposedly more authentic there too, much more to see. I wouldn't want to use a squat toilet outside or river to shower in either.

If you have a good relationship with your husband say I don't think this is the right time, maybe we can go when our child is older and go as a family as tourists just you him and the child. I wouldn't want to go with the entire family especially since your mil sounds very controlling. I think it can be an amazing destination, cox bazar, Chittagong hill tracts, the tiger sanctuary, ranganauth, (look up on popular video watching site ;)lots of wonderful sights to enjoy, when the child is older minus all the in laws trust me they will turn your holiday into a nightmare. I expect they will go house to house just eating like they do here lol also if you do believe in it they love doing voodoo up there, theres always some jealous family member that will read over your food some incantations from witch doctors I find it freaky regardless of whether it works or not. usually this is done to control daughter or son in laws not young kids.

Ive made banglas sound bad but I'm giving you raw generalisations of typical traditional families with parents like your mil, theyre a dime and dozen I can think of loads right now not far from me, theyd never visit me I am deemed to be 1) a coconut 2) too religious lol

Banglas on a plus side are very generous especially with food if you live near one and struggle for food you don't need a food bank just knock on their door they love feeding strangers see it as a blessing. theyre very friendly and peaceful people they don't like confrontation except with family members lol They can be loud and expressive like the Italians? Did I say they cook most of the day many hours?

Times are changing and my family my brothers are married to muslims but theyre not Banglas. yes Asian but even that's a big no no huge stigma. My family is an outcast in the community we don't give a tuppence, as soon as my mum diedstrangely the community never bothered to ask about us it's all superficial.

na5ima Wed 16-Dec-15 23:55:57

It's a funny situation but I personally don't think it'll be that bad..

I've been Bdesh 2 times and I loved it.. When I was 9 and then 19 but I just loved the whole culture the ppl.. Although my grandma was like evil it didn't stop me from chilling making friends lol

I'm saying is that the brainwashing etc your saying is already done- him going bdesh won't change anything- he will either hate it or love it (as in living in the village and the mosquitos etc). Basically you'll be treated like royalty and being from a bdesh family a lot of the time the parents or grandparents show you off to other( can't stand it but they do)

I'm a parent and I can't stand my mil giving me advice I rebel but the love for my son I can't replace.. I can trust them with my son as I know they love him too bloody much lol.. It's annoying..

I would say its defo up to you.. Follow your heart and justify to your husband why.. He should understand a mums point of view.. Also does your son want to go and how old is he??

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