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Me biyfriend and bump will be disowned! Advice please

(13 Posts)
Lulu3108 Mon 01-Dec-14 00:26:19


I am 8 weeks pregnant and would really like some advice from anyone in similar situations as me and my boyfriend.

We have been together for 3 years. He is sikh punjabi (born here).

We have told our families, my parents being supportive yet his mum (dad has passed away) has been totally out of order about it.

She has said that she wants to disown all of us and would not even go to her son's funeral if we have the baby because we are not engaged or married. I have known his mum for 2 years now and have been so close to her. She has not once tried or made any effort for me to meet relatives or progress anything it's only been down to my boyfriend.

I am really hurt because I used to see her everyday and go to the house. I understand in asian families the in laws control the family but when they have asked about me and my boyfriend she denies it or refuses to talk about it.

She then says because we are not married we are nothing in anyone's eyes when my boyfriend and I basically live together.

I am so hurt and my boyfriend is too, I know of girls with boys who are asian and even those that are muslim were even more accepting than this! I can't believe it.

There is no way I am having a termination or giving the baby up for adoption. I will bring my child up to have awareness of both backgrounds and would never deny them of anything but this has really hurt me and I can't believe there are people like this who exist.

I am not a stranger or a one night stand, I know the family very well. My boyfriend doesn't know half of it as ive never wanted to get involved or cause anything as most relatives are fine with me except few who have never met me always slate me racially.

I would like to hear of some advice or anyone who is in similar situations

Rumplestrumpet Fri 19-Dec-14 15:28:57

So sorry to hear this Lulu, must be very tough. It's been a while since you posted, so I hope things have improved? I think there's probably a mixture of things at play - religion, culture and race.

She probably hoped her son would marry someone Sikh and raise their children in the faith. In addition, it sounds like she is upset that you are having a child out of marriage. Both of which are understandable if she is religious though, at the end of the day, not really her business. Perhaps, if you plan to raise your child as Sikh, or at least teach the baby about the religion so he/she understands it, that might reassure her?

In addition, you could reassure her that you want the child to understand its full cultural heritage, meaning both its punjabi and English background? Whether it's celebrating Divali, speaking punjabi or something else.

But at the end of the day, there's also the possibility of old fashioned racism - we shouldn't be fooled into believing that non-white families are potentially any less racist that white families.

I hope you manage to get through this and enjoy your pregnancy - congratulations! You

Princessjonsie Mon 12-Jan-15 13:27:25

I'm white and my then boyfriend had a Jamaican background. He was born and raised here but parents were not. His mother was the only one to object when I became pregnant. She said she didn't want him and he would be nothing to her and that side of the family. She said I had ruined her sons life and I was nothing but a common slut. My son was then born and his granddad came to see him bringing his two aunts who were only 3 and 7 at the time. He supported us and came regularly. The grandmother didn't until one day she met me in town and could not avoid the situation. Since that day she did a total U turn. She ran around everywhere claiming they were going for custody and one day he would be old enough to leave me and join his true family. She called social service on me more times that I can mention. I wasn't feeding him properly, he was dressed in rags, he had bruises and so much stuff that she was told by social services that they wouldn't investigate anymore. My son has no contact now with his dad (not that his dad was that interested to start with) or his grand parents. He does see his aunts when he can. He has grow happy and healthy so don't get wrapped up in the extended family. Its nice but not important. As long as he has a mum (and dad as long as he is a good one) then it will grow up fine. Good luck

LapsedMuzza Mon 12-Jan-15 13:34:17

My mother was the one who told me in no uncertain terms that if my white fiancé didn't convert then should would have nothing to do with me and her unborn grandchild. So, we did everything she asked for and it still wasn't good enough. Nine years on and I'm NC with my parents and extended family. Ultimately as long as you, your DP and child are happy fuck the rest of them. It's taken me a while to get to that stage. smile

Lulu3108 Wed 14-Jan-15 12:11:39

Thanks guys, I am 15 weeks now smile happier as ever...

If his mum ever turns around I will honestly find it extremely hard to forgive and forget this.

Not once have I been asked if I am OK.. yes she might not agree with it or whatever but she has not bothered what so ever, it really disgusts me.

My boyfriend is living with me now, has little contact with her.

I would never convert to sikhism, I don't believe in it. My boyfriend especially since his dad died has not really ever been and is not religious at all, he is more atheist than me lol. I don't think the names we have in mind will even be Indian nor would it be raised into a religion.

I am all fine for anything though, I wouldnt mind the baby going to things and taking part I just see it as all in good faith smile these sect of Sikhs (Bhatra) though are really generally traditional compared to the other ones who are more 'modern and open minded', they aren't open minded with cultures mixing and I have known other mixed race babies being turned away from the local Sikh temple! Even though this is completely against the religion, the family in question found it too embarrassing.

I think his mum can't get over the fact that it's her son and he doesn't have the same beliefs or wishes to have the same lifestyle as her and her family... Arranged marriage isn't for everyone!

It's very hard all the mind games and that I just feel sad for the baby if they are rejected.

Pregnancy is meant to be such a happy time and it is amazing this has though stressed us both out as a couple xxxx

SaucyMare Wed 14-Jan-15 12:22:35

I had a friend he was muslim living with a christian. His parent knew her but were never happy. One day he left his girlfriend and married the girl his parents wanted him to.

Your boyfriends mum was hoping that he would see the light leave his christian woman and marry a nice sikh girl. When it became obvious this wasn't happening the upset she had been holding back all the time waiting just overflowed.

Lulu3108 Wed 14-Jan-15 16:26:38

Yeah, I think part of her was hoping he would marry someone in India, because the woman from there cook and clean for them, and do everything for the in laws.

You just wouldn't believe it that before I told her we were really close. They smoke, drink etc.. Intially someone would think the family is more 'open' than Muslims, however the amount of ladies I know from different backgrounds who are with Muslims from again different backgrounds often the marriage is accepted. I've never seen anything like this.

she's not exactly very religious herself, it's more on cultural terms. It's not really much to do with my faith or background (I am not pure English) i could be a an Indian sikh of the wrong caste and be bitterly rejected.. Like Keeping up with the joneses, status and what people think about you. It's very sad that people revolve their lives around what others think.

Lulu3108 Wed 14-Jan-15 16:36:47

Thanks for ur support guys. When I first posted this I was very upset x

TinklyLittleLaugh Wed 14-Jan-15 16:43:40

My (white English) son has been seeing a Sikh girl for over two years at university. They are mutually besotted and very sweet together; she is absolutely lovely and a perfect fit with our family and values.

But she has never told her parents because they will immediately pull her out of Uni. It is bizarre, apparently they have lots of white friends and do not even go to temple, but they will not even consider one of their children marrying out.

The crazy thing is, the boy they would probably choose for her to marry would be hardworking, kind and family orientated. My son is all these things. He just happens to be white.

For what it's worth, we are actually practising Christians but I would never put that before my son's happiness. I am very concerned about what will happen at the end of University this summer; someone is going to be broken hearted.sad

Lulu3108 Thu 15-Jan-15 23:56:44

I hope it works out well for your son.. Sometimes parents turn around to the idea.

However some parents care more about what others think than their own happiness or their child's which is ultimately wrong and I believe a form of emotional abuse especially when it comes to control manipulating, emotional blackmail and threats etc.

Should your sons girlfriend ever confide in you further or decides to tell her parents and need further support, a good organisation to contact is 'Karma Nirvana'

They deal with anything between honour based violence, forced marriages and also like we are talking about culture clashes with interracial relationships.

I rang this organisation and they were really helpful even though I am not of Asian origin my boyfriend is... The founder is a Sikh woman who fled her abusive parents for a White man, and never returned.

All the best x

TinklyLittleLaugh Fri 16-Jan-15 15:21:46

Thanks Lulu, I really appreciate that information. To be honest I am just stunned that people hold these attitudes in this day and age. Apparently it is not at all uncommon in the Sikh community. DH has a work colleague who is a Sikh, who has come round for dinner a few times. Lovely guy, very liberal and lefty in his politics, yet he holds the same views about not marrying out.

All the best with your baby. I really hope things work out for you.

Madmum24 Mon 16-Feb-15 12:27:35

Do not necessarily associate this behaviour with religion, it is about narrow minded people with cultural expectations. Many immigrant parents (esp those who come from extended family as the norm backgrounds) expect their own children, who despite being born and raised in UK to marry from a similar background in order to "preserve" their culture.

Anyway OP, hope everything works out. I can understand your hurt and hope that for your baby's sake things will turn around.

ButtonsAndBows Mon 25-Apr-16 11:42:45

I will come back to this and re-read it as I'm a little bit rushed at the moment but first of all.....relax.

I am married to a punjabi sikh (I'm a white sikh) and yes there is cultural aspects which look somewhat backwards in the UK (babies outside of marriage are basically unheard of) but it doesn't mean you should be treated poorly.

I do know of at least one sikh who had a child outside of marriage and no one has fallen off the face of the earth because of it. She cannot "blame" you because it took two to tango. It seems like she is putting it all on your shoulders and none on her sons. She was clearly happy for him to have a girlfriend over the past two years, and if she had had a problem it should have been between him and her a long time ago.

In this situation all I can advise is keep your chin up and don't be tempted into replying or acknowledging any insults/prejudices.

Whereabouts do you live? If you have been "slated racially" then this is completely against the teachings of the sikh religion and totaally unacceptable. Again, chin up and rise above it. Some people aren't nice, regardless of religion/country.

Obviously, there is no way you have done anything "wrong" at all, but I bet his mother was raised in India and even today it's a completely different kettle of fish out there. Family honour and pride is everything and people will commit suicide in an instant if they feel something shameful has happened. I am not saying you have brought them shame, I'm trying to explain their mentality a little. Have you thought about getting married/engaged? Obviously having a baby doesn't mean you HAVE to do anything, just maybe if it already was in the pipeline it might be worth revisiting at the moment?

I could go on for ages but I have to pop out smile some pleeeease PM me if you want to talk abit more, as a white girl in a punjabi society I know how you feel.
Ultimately Sikhi is a religion of tolerance and "forgiveness". Now, you have done nothing that needs forgiveness in my eyes, but if you always proceed with good grace and biting your tongue smile then you don't need to worry for even a minute what behaviour she is displaying. If she disowns you and her son and your child, it's her loss. Don't fall into manipulation and blackmail. How is your boyfriend reacting to this?

Anyway, please PM me smile and congratulations smile smile

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