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Multicultural blended family problems

(37 Posts)
Bankofmumanddad Tue 04-Nov-14 17:42:46

Hi I have noticed for quite some time that my ds1 who is from a different father (more like sperm doner as left me when pregnant) and is white rather than South asian or mixed race like the rest of the family except for me. My ds1 has known his real step dad my Dh since birth.

Anyway my Dh is indian-Muslim I converted to Islam as it was important to him for me too, but I'm not religious but do join Dh and the kids to go to mosque.

I worry he is lonely and feels different compared to the rest of the family. My Dh does treat him different to his own ds which I do pull him up on as I treat my step sons the same. Ds1 is not sent birthday cards by dh's family.

Dh told me once of that his mother told him to kick ds out of the family home as he is not her own.��

This really upsets me and I wanted to know if anyone else has a similar situation.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 04-Nov-14 17:55:02

Yes I bet he does feel lonely since your wanker husband and his twatty family treat him differently. You have also concerted to Islam despite not having convictions of your own so probably made him feel even more of a spare part. What were you thinking marrying someone who treats your child like an outsider?

divingoffthebalcony Tue 04-Nov-14 18:00:55

I have to say I agree with Ehric. This is a very damaging environment for your son to grow up in. It's a very sad situation. I don't know what the solution is, since your husband doesn't seem to care about making your son feel loved and included within the family. Even the religious aspect must make him feel very, very left out (I take it he doesn't go to mosque))

purplemurple1 Tue 04-Nov-14 18:06:26

If your dh has been around since ds1 birth is there a reason you aren't bringing him up as Muslim? I think this would be more of an exclusion than being white as ha can't come to mosque, fast, celebrate with you all in the same way.
How old is he?

I'm mixed race and grew up with only my white parent, I don't think that is an issue. As pp said yours and your husband's behaviour is what needs to change.

Bankofmumanddad Tue 04-Nov-14 18:29:13

My husband is a loving kind man and is a great dad and tries his hardest not to treat anyone better or worse.

Bankofmumanddad Tue 04-Nov-14 18:31:34

I wanted ds who is 14 to make his own mind up about religion. Dh family very traditional

guineapig1 Tue 04-Nov-14 18:33:09

Except your last sentence is inconsistent with your original post where you say that your husband treats DS1 differently. This would be a deal breaker for me and I suspect for many others. Of course your DS feels an outsider.

Bankofmumanddad Tue 04-Nov-14 19:51:31

Guineapig1 that's really unfair. I have 5 other children with my dh as well

sammy90 Tue 04-Nov-14 21:20:50

Does his family truely accept you for who you are even tho you have converted. Even if a family holds traditional valves that's not a reason to treat a so called family member like they the outcast or a bad smell. Would they truely showed him a lot more love if ur son was to have converted? These are what u have to ask yourself. Do you have enough family events where ur son is included weekly with the family to have a bond to build on or to build relationships with other members of the family. But if he doesn't then he will feel very lonely sad and will effect him when he is older. U love your husband but u must truely open ur eyes and think with you head and not ur heart and then u will see if the way ur son is being treat. To be honest with urself. Because you cannot get advice on here if you in two minds of something. Think clearly and with out thinking of excuses for way something happened or the way something was said. Confront and be honest with each other also talk heart to heart with your son and see how he feels, not just a one off conversation where they can throb you off. But every day every week where maybe little by little he may just build the courage to talk to you about him real feelings. Because as we all know teenagers like to keep it all in. Hope u can find this hopeful.

Bankofmumanddad Thu 06-Nov-14 16:36:09

I just think my husband favours his own and thats only natural

Barbadosgirl Thu 06-Nov-14 18:26:18

There are many devoted step-parents and adoptive parents out there who would beg to differ.

TheNewClassic Thu 06-Nov-14 18:34:52

Your poor son.

SunshineAndShadows Thu 06-Nov-14 18:52:23

Favouring your own children is may be 'natural' but it's certainly not fair or conducive to a good family situation. I say that as the daughter of a father who took on my 4 half-siblings from my mums first marriage. My dad treats us as if we are all equal and for that he was the one who stood in the family photos at weddings and gets to enjoy 'his' grandchildren despite my siblings (waste of space) biological father still being around. I have nothing but love and respect for my Dad's parenting of my half-siblings - it created an equal and happy home for us all and as an adult I would have nothing but contempt for a mother who thought it was acceptable to treat one of her children as a second-class citizen because of his parentage

Bankofmumanddad Thu 06-Nov-14 19:25:32

Please note my dh is a wonderful DAD to all my children and step children it is rude some of the comments IMO.

ps. I didn't want my ds1 to be muslim because i think that religion in general is something a person themselves should decide and want, not be forced in.
i didn't really get a choice with other dc's

divingoffthebalcony Thu 06-Nov-14 20:36:44

I totally agree that your son shouldn't have been forced to convert to Islam. That's not the issue. You posted for advice and when people pointed out how miserable your son must be, you got defensive and keep making excuses for your husband. I realise you're caught between a rock and a hard place BUT you really need to think about how your son is made to feel at home.

SunshineAndShadows Thu 06-Nov-14 20:39:31

I'm sorry I don't understand the issue? If your DH is a wonderful father to your son then he'll be treating him the same and defending him as 'his son' to your in-laws. The fact that you allow your DC to be treated differently within the family indicates to me that perhaps the problem lies with you and your communication of your expectations to your DP and your in-laws. If you are genuinely worried that your DS is isolated and upset within his own family, stop facilitating this situation

Bankofmumanddad Thu 06-Nov-14 21:21:26

Im looking for suggestions for him to feel included more?

TheNewClassic Thu 06-Nov-14 21:43:30

How does your son feel and have you asked him?

Bankofmumanddad Fri 07-Nov-14 15:28:35

I have spoken to him, i was thinking of giving ds1 my maiden name or dh name what do you think?

WhizzFucker Fri 07-Nov-14 15:38:20

OP you have 5 kids together, plus at least 2 step sons and your son from a previous relationship? Hard work

Nicename Fri 07-Nov-14 15:41:05

'Natural' my arse. My sister had 2 children from her first marriage and another with her new husband. When the elder 2 got married they wanted stepdad to give them away. He has never favoured one child over another.

Converting to please someone else or ingratiate yourself with inlaws is a very bad idea. Allowing said in-laws to look down on you (which I suspect they do) and treat your child like a fart in a lift is definitely not on.

Don't make excuses for them. They are racist/religious bigots. You need to stand up for your son. If he is 14 now, why is this coming up as an issue at this time?

SunshineAndShadows Fri 07-Nov-14 18:29:21

Do what did your son say? How does he feel?

Bankofmumanddad Fri 07-Nov-14 20:17:09

He's said he feels excluded from dh's family. Dh's family do look down on white people, however the dc's they don't have a problem with, Because the dc's look South Asian they don't look mixed at all

Bankofmumanddad Fri 07-Nov-14 20:20:22

May I add as well ds1 has turned 15 now and no card from dh's family. I asked Dh why this was and he said "he can't force them to send a card" I am really annoyed at this. However i would want a card from racist bigots as well

TheNewClassic Sat 08-Nov-14 07:23:47

I feel sorry for your son. He is being treated like shit to be fair.
What are you going to do about this?

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