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How to deal with racism... So proud of my son.. but can't tell him??

(12 Posts)
royaljelly Fri 10-Jun-11 00:07:52

I am half Nigerian / White. DS is 1/4 Nigerian English/Welsh and DD is 1/4 Nigerian English / Irish.

My son (12) and I imagine my daughter (1) will have to deal with this sort of bigotry all their lives and it breaks my heart.

I know I had it from birth as my Mother has told me I had bricks thrown in my pram and she was called a nigger lover, so much so that her brother had to walk with her and myself for protection. (1978)

My DS (12) has been on FB for a few months and it has been quite positive for socialising etc.

He then started receiving some name calling and putdowns which then turned into racist abuse . eg. Nigger Lips, Paki, etc.

He deleted the posts but his half - sister (My DSD - white) copied them in an e-mail to me and his Dad.

She was very angry as was his Dad (white), I expected this to happen.

3 dfiferent teens from his school participated in an absolutely vile racist tirade against him. In all 78 posts threatening to beat him up at school. I have now blocked this 'child' from his Facebook page.

However during this tirade of abuse my 12 yr old son had consistently posted 'I know I have black roots and I am proud of it, not going to change who I am' ,

I am so proud of him for being happy in his own skin but don't want to make too much of an issue out of it as I have brought him up as my mother did to be proud of his achievements and goals and he should pity those who judge of others skin colour; They must have very shallow, narrow-minded and limited minds.

As much as I would want to protect my son I think that exposing him to this mindset and not interfering (as much as I want to), it will make him a bigger person and I hate to say it but prapre him for racism in his adult lirfe.

royaljelly Fri 10-Jun-11 01:13:24

MOVED TO AIBU FOR TRAFFIC

royaljelly Fri 10-Jun-11 01:14:07

MOVED TO AIBU FOR TRAFFIC

Jux Fri 10-Jun-11 01:44:57

What a fantastic boy; the maturity he has displayed is something to be proud of. Why can't you tell him how impressed you are with the way he has handled this? He deserves to know how proud you are of him, don't you think?

tigercametotea Mon 04-Jul-11 13:29:35

I've only just read this royaljelly. Your son is a very brave and mature boy, and I think he handled it very well and took it all in his stride. My daughter's only 8 but she's already been called names in the local school (supposedly considered a "very good" school by the locals and by OFSTED) for her Chinese heritage. Not an isolated incident because I am friends with other mums from that school who are non-white, non-British and who told me their kids got similar sort of thing happening. I think the school's teachers don't often handle it very well either but they seem a bit overstretched too and I can't expect them to be aware of everything that goes on between the children. I can understand your desire to not make a big thing out of it in front of your DS and I think you're probably right to deal with it this way especially since he's deleted the offensive messages off FB and never told you about this himself, it seems to show that maybe he didn't really want you to know about it or worry about him too much and that he felt he was well able to cope with those kind of situations. It wouldn't be wrong either IMO if you chose to do it differently and decided to give him a little "pat on the back" for what he did and telling him how proud you are of him. But yes on the whole, it would be probably better not to make a big thing out of it because this is real life and something he might have to deal with (hopefully not too often) for the rest of his life whenever he meets people like that.

neolara Mon 04-Jul-11 13:35:04

Bloody hell. Sounds vile. What has the school done? They have to log and deal with racist incidents, although not sure what their remit would be if it happens on facebook. I think they also need to be aware if threats are being made that potentially impact on life in school.

Your DS sounds great by the way. Amazingly mature. Hope he is getting lots of support from his friends.

iwantavuvezela Mon 04-Jul-11 13:35:19

What a great boy you have ... dont have any advice, but can imagine how proud you are of him

Jaquelinehyde Mon 04-Jul-11 13:46:20

You have an amazing son, reading his response has made me cry (old sap that I am).

You should be massively proud of him and I think you should just mention it in passing, not a heavy sit down chat but just I know what some boys have been saying to you and I think you have handled it amazingly well I'm very proud etc etc now can you go and clean your bedroom it's a tip grin

mumblechum1 Mon 04-Jul-11 13:56:50

My ds has had two incidents like that, the first in yr7 where this kid kept taunting him for weeks and eventually ds snapped, punched him once and broke the kid's sternum shock (ds is a blackbelt at Karate).

After that, there was no nonsense for 5 years until a few months ago when ds was at the train station and a sixth former said "no niggers allowed on this train". DS bitch slapped him and made him apologise increasingly loudly so that everyone could hear this kid being humiliated.

I'm not suggesting that violence is the answer, but if your ds has a reputation for not taking crap from anyone, he will get very little racism imo.

royaljelly Wed 06-Jul-11 00:23:48

My son has now sorted this out for himself; KUDOS must also go to his big sister (white) who having recently leaving 2ndary school has has a chat with him and possibly the those potential bigots in question.

Personally I think that up to about 15 - 16 we only copy the attitudes of those around us as we are not 'grown up' enough to form our own ideas. For this reason I am very loathe to get involved in school disputes. They are normally mates again 2 weeks later.

There are a few 'bad apples' amongst the mix though who are so indoctrianated into racism, sexism, drugs or violence that there really is no hope for them. I was brought up to pity these people and hopefully my son feels the same.

It may sound strange but I hope my son learns to grow a thick skin, let's face it any form of racism is never going to go away, black on white, white on black etc. I just hope he has enough gift of the gab to make anyone who racially abuses him look pathetic as I have done myself.

MUM2BLESS Thu 07-Jul-11 19:02:07

Where do you live?

Sorry to hear your famiy's experience. Been on the receiving end myself but not like what you have experienced.

I would hate my kids to experience what I did as a child. We live in a mutlicutural area. My kids have friends from different races and background.

Just continue to support them and let them both know that they are very special to your REGARDLESS OF WHAT IS TAKING PLACE!!!!

I would think about moving to an area

MUM2BLESS Thu 07-Jul-11 19:06:09

Sorry should have put I would think about moving to another area.

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