I am so angry and confused. Just had my 4th miscarriage....well I am waiting for nature to take its course. I'm not trying to say my life has been harder than anyone else's but it seems that there is never a break. I keep waiting for one thing in my life to be "normal" or easy. I was diagnosed with end-stage-renal-disease when I was 8 years old (even though my kidneys started failing when I was 6). Until I was 15 years old I was on a restricted diet....no cheese (pizza) or potatoes (french fries). And of course there was also the high dose prednisone which has given me osteoporosis and no cartilage in my knees--bone-on-bone action. Renal transplant at 15. Never menstruated until I was 22. Met my husband at 22 and got married pretty soon. Soon discovered that sex + UTI's, BV, and allergic reactions to DH's semen. (I was not sexually active before him...had actually never had a boyfriend or gone to a dance)
I have never used my illness and complications as an excuse...completed Pharmacy school only 1 year behind due to a resistant UTI that required hospitalization + severe anemia that required outpatient Venofer therapy for 1 week (worst thing I have ever had to do....burns like crazy,had to change IV due to clotting and phlebitis-FYI if you ever have phlebitis apply heat not cold). Never even thought I could get pregnant but it happened and I was amazed...we lost it almost immediately. With this new found hope that I may actually be able to have children, I got "baby-fever." After 2 more missed miscarriages and subsequent D&C's, I decided I needed a break. However, the same month AF was late and got my BFP. I had an appointment with my new nephrologist who is awesome and he decided to test for coagulopathies......while at my 1st U/S he called and let use know I was + for coagulopathies. Finally there was a reason! Started on LD ASA and Lovenox. My belly looks like a soccer ball but I didn't care. Was trying not to get too excited because I thought if I didn't care as much, it wouldn't hurt as much if we lost our baby....I was wrong. My mom had gone with me to my 9 week appointment (the furthest we would have ever gotten). Immediately I knew there was no heartbeat...no little flutter. My OBGYN confirmed and he gave me > 50 tissues before I said I had enough....He replied, "I can't do anything else but this," as he continued to give me more tissues. My mom had exited to the restroom, as she is not one to show emotions in public. My nurse came in a held out her arms to comfort me. I thought I was doing okay emoionally until I got home and saw the baby names book and previous ultrasounds....it is too weird that 2 nights ago DH and I were sitting in bed making a list of potential baby names. I really thought if I "didn't want" this baby, I would get to keep it...seems so many others don't want kids and have dozens. I hear people complain about lack of sleep and giving up their lives for their kids,etc, but all I can think is I would give almost anything for the honor to be woken up every hour by a precious baby. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through another miscarriage. I don't know if I'm strong enough not to keep hoping and trying. My husband is burned out. We married under the pretense that I didn't want children...which I proclaimed because if I didn't want them it wouldn't matter that I couldn't have them. With the 1st pregnancy, he got on board with the idea of being a dad. Now, he is emotionally drained. No one seems to understand how I feel....I feel cheated, like it is a really mean joke. When I found out my husband's friend got some random one-night stand pregnant and that she is now past her 1st trimester, I got so angry. Our friends got pregnant and they didn't want kids now....we have been hoping and praying for years. It is soo difficult to be happy. My last miscarriage (before the one I am waiting to expel but will probably have to do a D&C), my 45 year old boss got pregnant and has had no problems. Already has 2 children that don't live with her. Everytime others get pregnant it's all happiness and congratulations. With us, it's anxiety and keep it a secret just in case it turns out badly AGAIN! I never question God's existence...He is the reason I am still alive and have been blessed with so much. I don't understand why He won't take this desire for children away, keep me from getting pregnant, or let me maintain one of these pregnancies to the end. My mom would give anything to let it be her that had the kidney failure and constant medications and blood work and doctors and infections and sexual intimacy problems and now miscarriages. I know it is difficult for her when she never had any problems ever. My husband would trade places in a second. I wouldn't ask that of them. I am strong, I just wish I didn't have to be. I love the quote from Mother Theresa: "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa.
Good luck to everyone.