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accepting I'll never have another child

(33 Posts)
oliviacrumble Sat 27-Feb-10 23:12:55

Hi, am new and nervous, never posted on anything before! Am almost 44, just had 4th miscarriage. Have 3 dc, and know i am so lucky, but still desperately sad that dh and i will never have much wanted 4th child. Find it unbearable hearing of older mums successful pregnancies, which is so horrible of me but can't help it. Had 4th mc, early, only 6ks 4 days last wk. Didn't plan this pregnancy, was accepting of my lot (a very lucky lot, I know) and tried to stay realistic of my chances but obviously failed somewhat! Any similar stories?

mrspoppins Sat 27-Feb-10 23:24:32

I am sorry...Why can you not try again?

bb99 Sat 27-Feb-10 23:41:53

Sorry for your loss.

Similar and dissimilar here. I have 2dcs, one of which I share with curent DH. Very lucky to have them. I am a bit prone to LMC, def. NOT Hughes, but a similar thing, so we don't know if we'll ever be able to have anymore. The plan was always to have 2 or 3 together, giving us a total of 3 or 4 kids smile but as is so often the case things didn't quite go according to plan.

Struggling to come to terms with the idea that it's just not going to work out and our one dc together is a bit of a miracle baby, but we might not get any more!

I too am insanely jealous of other women (don't wish them any harm at all, or that they can ever understand what a mc is like) who just seem to pop out their babies. Wish them all the luck in the world, just wish it could be me. Statistically I am 'owed' 10 successful pregnancies - LOL...

mathanxiety Mon 01-Mar-10 02:00:51

Don't think of mcs in terms of succeeding or failing. It can seem bleak, but don't beat yourself up about it.

oliviacrumble Thu 04-Mar-10 09:57:54

Thank-you all for kind words. Know i will be fine, just sucks accepting that my eggs are such grotty quality, am aging, heading for menopause blah blah blah. Also rampant hormones don't help! Also truly feel that words of "consolation" from well-meaning friends, such as being grateful for what I have, are wholly inappropriate. I know what i have, and i am so grateful, but it's not their bloody place to tell me that!
If money were no object and dh wouild agree, I'd head to one of those mad clinics where they implant donor eggs in 70 year-olds!

rainbowdays Thu 04-Mar-10 13:27:22

I can empathise hugely, I have just been through my 7th miscarriage in 18 months. I too have 3 wonderful children. We always wanted 4 children, but at 42, it looks like my child-bearing days are over too.

It is hard, and I do understand, the joy of having wonderful children does not take away from the losses, despite what everyone seems to think.

I hope that knowing that you are not alone helps, that there are others like you and I here.

wifeofmadman Thu 04-Mar-10 13:47:08

Today is the first day I am trying to come to terms with not EVER having another child, and I empathise so much with you all on here.

Yes, I am so so lucky to have healthy children, but had an inner longing for another so deep and so strong it has been overwhelming. Very sadly, I miscarried my last child in the Autumn, and now my husband is having a nervous breakdown, following many months of him being quite awful to live with. I am not sure whether to stay with him or not as he has treated me appallingly in his madness, but even if I do, by the time he is better I will be too old for a baby. I am struggling so hard to come to terms with this, and don't know if I ever will. sad

BariatricObama Thu 04-Mar-10 13:49:45

i concentrate on how lucky i am to have dd and tbh the thought of going back to nappies and toddlers is becoming less appealing. i think i wll always feel sad about it but the terrible crazed pain does fade.

buxomblonde Thu 04-Mar-10 14:05:28

I have a similar situation. I have 2 lovely DCs but Dc3 died a few months ago. I had always desperately wanted 3 and although don't want to replace DD2 just can't get used to the idea that this is it for me. feels ungrateful to voice it as I have so much. I spend all my time thinking about having another baby but know this isn't practical. i'm in my early 40s and DH is not keen after what we've been through (also had several MCs along the way). My head knows I should accept it but I don't know how to convince my heart. So confused....Part of me thinks I want another to try and ease the pain I feel after losing DD2. But is that so wrong?

wifeofmadman Thu 04-Mar-10 14:14:54

No buxom, I think it is a natural urge. I am very sorry for your very sad loss.

I really do think that some of us have the need for a baby urge much much stronger than other women do. It is so deeply ingrained in me it is like a physical ache. I have even wondered if maybe my hormones are over-active compared to other women.

wifeofmadman Thu 04-Mar-10 14:17:25

And yes Olivia, if money was no object, and dh agreed and if he wasn't mad, I would also go to an insane clinic and have eight embryos implanted if I could.

buxomblonde Thu 04-Mar-10 14:19:37

I agree its like a physical ache. But I somehow believe if I had a 3rd it would go away, have never wanted more than that. could be wrong though

oliviacrumble Fri 05-Mar-10 18:24:22

I know there is a lot of heartache and pain out there, and there is consolation in hearing that i'm not alone (and have gone through far far less than some of you; wifeofmadman and buxomblond, i feel guilty for daring to moan in face of what you have been through). I think "older women" are expected to shut up and get on with their lot, and i agree, some of us have maternal instinct/urge stronger than others. One of my oldest friends made such a cutting remark about basically "copping on to myself, and facing reality" that i don't think i'll ever feel the same way about her again. The pain of loss is real, albeit lightened somewhat by my youngest ds (aged 7) coming in to me just now with news of another lost baby tooth. Am so glad for the busyness and craziness of my 3 dc, but would have so much love to give another...Am not giving in to self-pity (i hope!), just that this is literally the only forum i have right now to express my sadness.

liahgen66 Fri 05-Mar-10 18:29:16

/I too am in same boat, 43 and just had 2nd mc in row, 4 altogether.

Still trying though and my hynotherapist encourages me to keep thinking positively.

Don't give up yet ladies, it's not fully over till it's over eh?

oliviacrumble Fri 05-Mar-10 18:48:02

Oh God, in my heart that's exactly how i feel!! To hell with acceptance!!

liahgen66 Fri 05-Mar-10 18:50:39

way to go.

I have 5 beautiful, healthy dc's but we do have room in our hearts and lives for that tiny missing piece. To us, there is one member not quite made it to us yet but hey, one day.

wifeofmadman Fri 05-Mar-10 20:56:07

I also just feel there is one of my children not here yet. But every month that goes on I know it is less and less likely. Sometimes I look in the mirror at the old wrinkles and think "am I mad to be even thinking this is a possibility", but I still have regular cycles, just a mad husband, and I resent him taking my last chance away from me.

Olivia you are so not alone, and it does help sharing on here. Many people just do not understand when we have several children already, but it helps me to know that you all here do understand.

oliviacrumble Fri 05-Mar-10 21:11:32

Yes exactly, I see the wrinkles and also the fact that i've a regular 28 day cycle and ovulate generally mid-cycle, so it's so hard to totally give up the ghost. Am so sorry about your husband wifeofmadman (tho i absolutely love your nickname). I have a pretty decent dh, but still doesn't bring me any closer to a 4th child! Anyway, i think men in general can be pretty rubbish when it comes to this subject. Mine will do anything to avoid seeing me cry! Can almost read the "calming down the mad woman" expression on his face...

wifeofmadman Fri 05-Mar-10 21:15:58

No, they just do not understand at all - even the sane ones! And, as already said, to be honest the majority of women do not understand either. I have many friends who were pleased to "get on with" having number two, then clear out all the baby stuff and "move on".

I cannot bear the thought that that part of my life might be over.sad

oliviacrumble Fri 05-Mar-10 21:38:07

You are so right that most women don't understand. I too find it so hard to think of that part of my life being over. have tentatively discussed adoption with dh, but don't think he's too keen, and it's such an immense thing to do that i think we'd both have to be totally committed, so just see chance of child no 4 fading away really. and it's not that i'm one of those women who only love children when they're at the baby stage, it's the opportunity to love and embrace and welcome another little person into our family. Anyway all my problems started when I hit 40, so i guess i just left it all too late. (obviously longing for someone to come forward and totally contradict that statement, coupled with numerous examples of 44 yr olds successfully giving birth following numerous miscarriages...)

wifeofmadman Fri 05-Mar-10 21:43:44

Have you thought about acupuncture? Lots of stuff on here about it working wonders for fertility for older women. I was actually planning on trying it myself before DH lost the plot. Don't know if I can even stay with him now, so my situation is very different.

I think I will have to have therapy to come to terms with not having any more.

pickgo Fri 05-Mar-10 23:57:12

Been a real comfort reading these messages. Got 3DC, decided on no more, met new man wanted one together then Mc. New man now ex - MC played big part in break up - he just didn't understand at all and thought it was all over in 5 days. I was still in shock (only found out at 12 wk scan). Thought I'd never get over it and don't think I have after 7 years but you do learn to live with it and grief gets less intense. But I will never forget the DC4 that was for such a short time. Still resent that I'm only one who cared or remembers.
NHS do need to get act together their treatment is thoughtlessly brutal on occasion. I was told it was my age as though I was being silly even being pg. I was 37.

skippinghorse Fri 12-Mar-10 23:20:02

Thank you to you all for sharing. I too am struggling with coming to terms with never having another child. I'm 42, got married at 38, conceived within 6 weeks of marriage and had first baby aged 39. Husband already has 15 yr old daughter from previous marriage. Until DC1 came along, I'd accepted I'd never have children, but the one scenario I'd never imagined was an only child. My husband however wasn't ready for a third child. We talked about it at length and I thought I'd accepted that we wouldn't have another child and then without trying, I conceived last year (to the surprise but delight of both of us), only to learn at 13 weeks that the baby had a cystic hygroma (a condition often associated with genetic abnormalities) I miscarried three weeks later and have gradually come to terms with our loss but I'm really struggling to accept that that is it. On a rational level, I understand and to a certain extent share my husband's position -He is accutely aware if the difference in his energy levels between his first and 2nd DCs. I know the risks and don't know whether we could cope and adapt as a family if we had a child with Downs Syndrome or a severe disability (having worked through the possibility we know that termination just isn't an option for us), but I just can't get rid of the irrational hope that I'll get pregnant again (without trying!)and I feel so sad that my little boy will grow up without a sibling apart from his grown-up half sister. For the past year my periods have been very erratic and it's tearing me up. I'm taking pregnancy tests every month because I'm often going 6 weeks between or missing periods. Every time I think I've come to terms with the situation, I start to wonder if maybe..this time I'm pregnant. Now I'm wondering whether in fact it's the menopause setting in early.

trycyclic Wed 17-Mar-10 07:11:24

feel for you but i am 43 (44 in september) facing relationship break up, childless future and possible infertility after 2 silent miscarriages in 6 months. love your 3 children and i hope ypu get your 4th coz the desire for a child is always the same first or tenth i understand but things could be a lot worse for you!! good luck though. fingers crossed for you.

trycyclic Wed 17-Mar-10 07:14:31

acupuncture improved my fertility and i conceived twice within 6 months at age 43. sadly i lost both pregnancies but know plenty of successful forties mums and first time mums too. i also tried chinese herbs but it was scarey and expensive and i still miscarried. will go back to acupuncture but not the herbs.

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