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Sister just had a miscarriage

(5 Posts)
Brighteyes Wed 29-Jun-05 16:51:08

My sister has just had her 12 week scan only to find out she has miscarried.

She is feeling really confused and guilty because when she first found out she was pg she was considering an abortion (it was unplanned and her ds is only 7 months old). She soon decided though that she really wanted the baby and she would manage with 2 young babies with the support of her family. She was really excited this morning before going for the scan only to find out that she had lost the baby.

I really don't know how to support her. My dd is only 5 weeks old so I'm going to feel uncomfortable being around her with a newborn baby.

It all seems so much more complicated because she was so unsure about having the baby in the first place. I know that my feelings are certainly mixed about it. I know she would have struggled financially with 3 children (she also has a 6yr old ds) and it would have been difficult to cope on a day to day basis but despite all that I'm really sad for her.

Is there anything you can really do or say to make someone feel any better after a miscarriage? I just feel so useless about how to help

littlerach Wed 29-Jun-05 17:01:41

I think just be there for her, let her grieve as she needs to. I don't know that there is anything you can say to make her feel better.

Tommy Wed 29-Jun-05 17:36:52

Try not to feel uncomfortable around her with your new born. I miscarried 9 weeks ago and my sister in law had ababy last week. I can honestly say that I don't feel in the slightest bit angry, whatever with her - I don't want her baby - I want mine

jenkins88 Thu 30-Jun-05 02:16:25

I went through something very similar to your sister a few years ago.

At the time I wanted to go and buy a beautiful box and a little blanket and some baby booties to put in it. I didn't do it because I just wasn't up to going shopping at the time.

Maybe you could suggest somethinglike this to her and see how she feels. I know other people have planted tree's, but I was afraid that if i did this it would die and I'd feel even more tormented.

i don't think there's anything you can really do to make her feel better. Just let her talk about if she wants to and let her know that you are really sad that she lost her baby too. I felt that no-one else felt any sense of loss when I miscarried and it would have been so helpful to know that someone else loved my baby too.

You sound like a brilliant sister to be so concerned. I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

Diddle Mon 04-Jul-05 13:01:06

brighteyes - I have suffered 2 miscarriages this year, and although i am not surrounded by newborn babies, a few people who i see regularly were pregnant at the same time and we have two family friends with babies.
I know m/c can affect people differently but it didn't keep me from seeing them, i was happy for them, and realised how lucky they are. it made me broody but babies always have.
Just be there for her, make sure she's okay, even after a few weeks or months, keep checking in with her.
It will take a while for her to come to terms with it, and i often felt weeks after it had happened, that people had forgotten about it altogether.
There is nothing you can do to make it any easier for her. I often found that when i was distracted it was easier, but spent most of the first week or two crying all day every day.
It will be hard for you to know what to say, and often she may take it the wrong way, i was most upset when people kept saying that at least i'm young enough to try again, and at least you know you can conceive at all, which are both true but at the time all i could think about was my baby, my child, that was there one minute and gone the next. I can remember saying, its not fair, over and over again. I was so mad at the world, and still am. but it has got a little eaiser to carry on with life.
She'll get through it, but it will take a while.
I hope that she is okay and that you and you're little one are doing well, congratulations by the way. you really are blessed.

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