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Burial, cremation or to take home...confused?

(45 Posts)
stephie101 Sun 22-Nov-09 11:03:51

Hey guys, some of you may know I'm just recovering from surgery for an ectopic pregnancy that went on for well over a month, treated with methetrexate twice then surgery. Well I went for my check up, all is well, but because I had surgical removal, under new legislation I have to decide on burial, cremation or to take home, the bean that was only 4 weeks, i'm really confused guys, they've said it costs for burial and cremation, what should I do, I spoke to my partner and he's happy with whatever I decide, I'm not sure what to feel, up until now it was a case of, a few cells joined together that nearly killed me(as i had ruptured)....any views or idea's really welcome...i'm stuck...xxsad

busybutterfly Sun 22-Nov-09 11:13:56

Firstly, you poor thing. What an awful thing to have to decide. sad

I wouldn't let the cost be an issue at all.
Do whatever your heart says is right for you.

My situation was different from yours but when my DD1 died I chose burial, so there is a gravestone/plot/place I can go to.

frasersmummy Sun 22-Nov-09 11:17:49

Oh god I had no idea you had to make this decsion so early on ..

My little boy was stillborn and I wanted somewhere to go take flowers, windmills, letters etc so I opted for a burial

Take care of yourself

Trafficcone Sun 22-Nov-09 11:19:43

That must be very new legislation. My baby was 'removed' at 12 wks, we're not sure how old they were when he/she died and the hosp cremated the remains. I was given no choice and wasn't allowedto see the baby so I'm sure they'd never have let me take it home which would have been my preferred choice.

Arsed Sun 22-Nov-09 11:33:48

I wasn't allowed to keep my 13 week mmc baby either and to be honest I'm glad I dint have to make the decision. Poor you having to go through it

If I had the option I'd have taken mine home and buried it myself somewhere beautiful and planted a tree on top, I am thankfull though that that decisionwasnt given to me.

My local hospital cremates all the babies together, they have a proper service, have prayers said etc. The hospital pay for it.

frasersmummy Sun 22-Nov-09 11:41:34

when did this legislation come in does anyone know?

and what does it say..?? it seems a rather odd piece of legislation to me

stephie101 Sun 22-Nov-09 11:51:51

I just found it really weird, I put the situation to bed, and didn't feel loss as such, just glad to be alive really,if I had been further on,known I was pregnant, then it may be different. i don't know, ive been told it's like a normal cremation or burial, where I would have to attend, I don't really think I want that.

I know the legislation has been made since the bristol hospital issues, the nurse told me that a girl even held a full funeral for a molar pregnancy at 3 weeks.

I think I may bring it home, the nurse did say it was also still inside the fallopian tube, perhaps I could do something myself to mourn my lack of fertility now...dunno....hmm.

hoops997 Sun 22-Nov-09 13:14:56

stephie I work in a crematorium and we have the communal service from our local hospital, when I had a MMC at 8 weeks I had my little one cremated and I scattered the ashes in he grounds where I still go now and talk to him.

I think it's a good idea to have a little service to get some closure and you can take the ashes away with you, so you can scatter them wherever you feel is right for you. I know at out Crem it costs £15 for a baby cremation....which I know is still a cost but affordable. You don't have to have a full blown service with prayers/minister you can just sit in the chapel and say goodbye while listening to music/silence.

I hope this has helped a tiny bit and that you are able to do whatever you think is right for you x

sh77 Sun 22-Nov-09 13:55:24

Gosh I never heard of this. I wanted a natural loss so that I could bury my little baby (died at 5-6 weeks), however, I was not aware of any legislation. Natural loss didn't happen and so had erpc on Thursday. This was never mentioned to me.

I would be grateful for any links on this issue for future reference (hope not to go through this again but one never knows).

hairyclaireyfairy Sun 22-Nov-09 14:18:01

When I had my latest miscarriage,heartbeat stopped around 10 weeks I was told that the baby was kept for three months before a communal cremation but if I wanted to make my own arrangements I should just phone the ward and I discuss it.
Personally we will be having the communal cremation, not because of costs etc, it just feels right for us.

stephie101 Sun 22-Nov-09 14:23:56

sh77 I know that before I was discharged it should of been mentioned, because you had an erpc, you should be able to contact the ward and discuss this, iv'e never heard of it before, for me iv'e now decided to collect and go for a long walk on the beach and do my own personal bye bye.....
I'm really glad Ive posted this thread, it's helped me and I'm sure helped you guys too....

RadlettWomble Sun 22-Nov-09 14:34:51

This seems a particularly strange choice to give people without putting in place any sort of counselling. Surely they must have offered you the chance to talk this through with someone at the hospital?

stephie101 Sun 22-Nov-09 17:17:55

Counselling...hmmm, no they didn't offer that, I was first told at the desk, about 'burying my baby', i kicked off then it was explianed properly. see I don't want to offend anyone, but really at 3/4 weeks and 2 doses of methetrexate, is it 'a baby'?? I have two fab kids, from 2 straightforward pregnancies, it's not as if like some of you guys that have known they were pregnant, had dating scans and had the bean in the right place....and tbh I really feel for you, I miscarried when I was 17, I was 12 weeks, I didn't even know I was pregnant, but I did my own thing back then, that was 13 years ago...

Am I being an arse?? I don't want to upset anyone, but it nearly killed me..sad

Pingpong Sun 22-Nov-09 17:29:23

Sorry to hear about your ectopic stephie101. It's not new legislation. I also had an EP (treated with methotrexate and then surgery and RFT removed). I wasn't asked what I wanted done with the baby. I was asked what I wanted done with the 'products of conception'. Choice was communal cremation or individual burial. No mention of taking anything home.
I opted for burial so DH and I have some place to go.
This was back in Feb 2007. Again the Bristol case was mentioned. We were not charged anything.
You have to decide what feels right for you. At least you were given a choice. It seems many women aren't given a choice or told anything about it.

sh77 Sun 22-Nov-09 17:48:36

Steph please don't feel bad. I think a few of us are quite glad you raised it as it is something to consider. I do feel if it was the law, more people would know about it. In my own case, my consultant sent the tissue of for testing, which is fine as if it gives me some answers, I will have some clarity.

stephie101 Sun 22-Nov-09 18:09:00

Products of conception does sound a bit better in my case tbh, thanks for your understanding guys, Iv'e been matter of fact about it all,so has dp....

Can I ask do you get ashes back after cremation?

tinkerbellesmuse Sun 22-Nov-09 18:27:07

This seems a very strange piece of legistlation - I don't mean to be rude but do you think maybe you misunderstood?

I don't think you are being an arse at all and TBH I think if someone had offered me a burial or cremation of a 3/4 wk pregnancy I'd have found that strange but I know it is very personal and everyone feels/does things differently and you have to do what is right for you. There is certainly no "wrong".

When DS died in utero at 22 wks we were offered a cremation or burial but were told that if we opted for a cremation there would be no ashes due to his age.

bb99 Sun 22-Nov-09 18:27:15

Depends on if it's a communal cremation.

We had communal crem for emc and went to the service, but it was all organised by the hospital - they just told us the date and where it would be.

Before that we had our own cremation for 18+ bubs, but that was again organised by the hospital and paid for by them (cheaper than counselling!) but health authorities do vary on all sorts of things (we're lucky where I am) and the same goes this time around.

With the communal one they scattered the ashes at the crem and with the later one I've got my boy at home in an urn (suites me, might not be to everyones taste).

I can give more details on how to retain ashes if anyone is interested as DS1 was tiny, but we did get some ashes. Often when the POC / baby (trying to cover all bases here - no offense intended to anyone) is small, with a cremation there are very little or no ashes - I kind of liked the idea of my teeny bubble literally flying off up into the sky smile, but felt really strongly that I needed something to take home with DS1 - different every time smile

See if the hospital has a 'Relative Support' team, Chaplaincy Service, or PALS service, as they should be able to give you a bit more help and support with this if you want it.

Hope you are feeling better Stephie101! You sound as on the mend as you can - you remember, no right or wrong answers here (not helpful, sorry) you are def. not being an arse! Hope you can find the answers as to what to do!

xx

bb99 Sun 22-Nov-09 18:29:10

Tinkerbellesmuse - our posts crossed.

sh77 Sun 22-Nov-09 19:24:39

OK I have been thinking about this post. So, can I assume that the hospital does not just incinerate the tissues but blesses, cremates and scatters the ashes? Also, please could someone remind me of the Bristol case - I have a brief recollection but remeber the details.

I had my ERPC done at a private hospital and so will check what they do. However, as my tissues was sent of for testing, not sure if a differnt policy applies.

hoops997 Sun 22-Nov-09 19:25:23

You can get your ashes back, there will be about a handful of ashes, we put our baby ashes in a little white box, which some parents prefer bacause it's less reconisable than an urn.

Hope this helps....

sh77 Sun 22-Nov-09 19:38:47

Here are some guidelines from Royal College of Nursing. It was published in 2007 and deals with issues surrounding the sensitive handling of fetal tissue.

http://www.rcn.org.uk/_data/assets/pdffile/0020/78500/001248.pdf

LunaticFringe Sun 22-Nov-09 19:47:23

Message withdrawn

sue10 Sun 22-Nov-09 19:50:24

Sorry about your eptopic Stephie, hugs to you.
Thank you for all this info, i didn't realise any of this and am a bit sad that i wasn't offered anything when i had a mmc!
I' dont know the Bristol case but will google it.
Hugs to everyone
sueXXX.

sue10 Sun 22-Nov-09 20:01:01

Lunaticfringe,
our posts crossed over, just wanted to say how very sorry i am about your dd and think your advice is the spot on in doing what feels right. That was nice of the funeral directors, very kind.
sueXXX.

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