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Miscarriages and waiting for a baby so hard

(6 Posts)
peanutpie Sat 31-Oct-09 12:30:17

I had a miscarriage a two weeks ago and people keep asking me how I am. I feel like saying I just don't know. I want to say, it's not just the miscarriage, it's that now I've opened the door to desiring another child I feel in limbo. I feel I'm going to have an open wound until we (hopefully) have another baby.

It's not only the miscarriage, it's what happens now. Am I going to get pregnant again, will I stay pregnant? am I going to have another baby? I guess that is the ultimate question, will I have another baby? and I feel along way from the answer to that just now.

I had two miscarriages and a 5 year wait for my first child, so I know what the waiting and wondering is like. It's awful!

Sigh!!! Sorry to be so miserable but I just need to get off my chest! I've been working really hard looking after my son this week and now DH has got him for the day. I think a day in my pjs is in order...

kissmummy Sat 31-Oct-09 16:02:09

hi peanut, SO know what you mean. the whole process of the miscarriage is absolutley horrendous, but then you have to deal with how you feel afterwards too.
in my experience some of the lowest points have been two or three weeks after all the physical side of things is over. This time, my fourth miscarriage, i have become very fearful about the future and whether i will have more children. after the other miscarriages i was always confident it would happen eventually. but somehow having a fourth miscarriage seems to have massively raised the stakes - it looks like i must have a real problem, not just bad luck - and with all the NHS tests we've had not showing anything useful, it's hard to keep positive. i have started fearing this is really going to affect my life long term, whereas before i thought, we'd soon be able to put the whole nightmare behind us. I don't have any solutions, as i feel much the same as you - only to keep planning positive things, whether it be looking into adoption, if you're interested in that, or counselling, or really anything that makes you feel you're doing something positive to move forward..

peanutpie Sat 31-Oct-09 19:25:49

Hi kissmummy Sorry to hear that somehow it is your last miscarriage which has pushed you into this area of fearing whether you will get your hoped for next child. Personally I think this is one of the hardest bits - if only we knew for certain what the future held!

But of course we don't and while we wait, I think you have some good ideas for staying positive, counselling and considering adoption.

Not sure what I'm going to do yet about that stuff. It's early days for me in terms of trying for another baby so basically the way forward seems clear - try and get pregnant again and see what happens. However, alongside that I think it would be useful for me to build some support for what feels like is going to be a difficult time, probably in the form of counselling. I had counselling through the period when we tried to have our first baby and it was extremely useful.

I haven't followed all the threads, but how did you decide to have your last miscarriage? Did you have an operation,or wait or are you still waiting?

Dozer Sun 01-Nov-09 19:52:41

Hi ladies,

Feel very much like you, have had three miscarriages since my DD who is nearly 2, and have found out (after lots of stress with both NHS and private tests) that my ovaries are a bit dicky and not producing enough progesterone to support a pregnancy. Feel glad to have got some information, but worried for future pregnancies, am now TTC again and have been prescribed progesterone supplements (cyclogest), but no guarantee that it'll be OK.

Have found it hard to explain to friends and family - they tend to say I should just be happy with what I've got, or "it'll be fine in the end", but that's not necessarily the case. I know how lucky we are to have our daughter, but it's still very hard to know that we might never have another one.

I too am thinking about counselling, as think that whatever the outcome, it will be good to get some professional support. But it's time / money....

I try to imagine ten years into the future and hope then that, either way, whether or not we'll ever be able to have another child, we'll be OK. It has helped to speak to a family friend (now in her 60s) who had just one child in the 1970s and then lots of miscarriages, and moved on, made the best of life etc etc. It's the process of getting from here to there that is difficult!

Best wishes.

kissmummy Sun 01-Nov-09 22:14:15

hi peanut, i went for "expectant managament" ie trying to have the miscarriage naturally; but it's now more than two weeks since the pregnancy failure was confirmed, and probably close to four weeks since the embryo died, and i still have only very slight bleeding, so i expect to have a D+C this week. it's frustrating as the bleeding is finally starting to resemble a very light period now, so it could be that by this time next week, everything will have happened naturally, but i don't feel i want to wait that long in case the bleeding doesn't get any heavier and it just drags on and on and on. i think i've given it enough time. my surgery is booked for Tuesday. i'm disappointed, as it will be my third d+C and i was trying to avoid it, but i've done my best.
i am definitely going to continue with the counselling. might try to find somewhere cheaper, but perhaps i'll be able to have fewer sessions with this expensive counsellor i'm using, who is really experienced and specialises in miscarriage counselling, compared to if i went to someone cheaper who isn't so experienced in this area.

peanutpie Mon 02-Nov-09 19:33:06

Dozer It's really difficult isn't it, and other people, who want to make you feel better, and often don't help. I hope that TTC goes well and the drugs you are taking work out.

I was thinking about trying the hospital counsellor. I've got the number from the miscarriage leaflet I was given at the hospital. I talked to the hospital counsellor last time and I found it really helpful. Also I've just found out that there is a local group called 'pregnancy support services' who have miscarriage counselling so I may try that as an alternative.

kissmummy It sounds like you have done all you can to miscarry naturally but you've reached the where it can't go on and on. If you had the operation today then I hope it went OK.

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