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Did you keep busy or have time to yourself?

(10 Posts)
cloudwine Fri 30-Oct-09 11:12:52

Hi
I had my MC confirmed on Monday and having opted to let nature take its course, I'm still bleeding heavily/ cramps/ backache etc and very weepy on and off.

I'm holding it together infront of my DS as I don't have family to help out. DH has been amazing but is very much feeling that I'll be better once I'm back at work and in my normal routine rather than sitting with my own thoughts (I teach and am off for half term this week)

I can see his point, but I feel I need time to feel stronger, stop bleeding and to learn to manage emotionally and hormonally so that I'm not bursting into tears all the time (my boss is also a cow, and I'm sure won't make allowances once I return to work).

What are you're thoughts and experiences?

RomanCandleJollster Fri 30-Oct-09 11:20:14

cloudwine so sorry you have lost your baby.

I also have a DS, so chose with my MMC in August to have the ERPC just to "get back to normal" asap.

I'm a SAHM so didn't have the dilemma re work etc, but also have no family to help out. Felt ok (both physically and emotionally) really quickly, but then became a bit gloomy again in later weeks at reminders or triggers.

Only you can know what's best for you, but no one could be surprised or disappointed if you felt the need for time off work. Listen to your heart.

Hope you feel better soon.

Anya4 Fri 30-Oct-09 11:25:55

Don't feel like you have to go back to work too quickly - I assume your DS could continue to go to nursery/whatever which might give you a little bit of valuable time where you can just be yourself rather than trying to hold it together for him.

Be gentle on yourself - not only is this a rubbish thing to have happened, but your body is far from recovered physically/hormonally/emotionally.

cloudwine Fri 30-Oct-09 11:56:08

Thanks Roman and Anya

I just feel like I'm hiding in the bathroom every time I need to cry so that DS doesn't see me and get upset- he's 3.5. I'm not sure whether some time for me to cry and sleep when he's at nursery 2 days next week would be a good thing as I'll be by myself all day whils DH is working.

I think my fear with work is that if I'm not ok when I'm there, there's nothing I can do about it (teaching young children means I can't have a coffee and a sit down if I'm finding it hard to cope)

I'm so upset that I think I'm no good for my DS at the moment. I have zero energy and enthusiasm for things, and am not ready for facing the world yet. I told close friends but don't really want to bump into other mums as I don't know what to say to them

kissmummy Fri 30-Oct-09 12:15:50

hi cloudwine it's rubbish isn't it?
with my miscarriages i have generally tried to minimise time off work because personally i've found it helpful to be forced to get on with my every day routine. but then i've generally felt okay physically - it's been the emotional side i've found very difficult. i think it's a very personal thing, and depends on your working environment, whether you feel up to going back to work quickly or not. it's a shame your boss is so awful sad i've found the whole miscarriage/work thing very difficult - as i've now had four miscarriages i've really had to let my boss and colleagues know what's going on as it has all become such a saga, with seemingly endless appointments for scans, blood tests and D+Cs sad. i feel quite exposed/humiliated that everyone in the office knows of this very private situation, but i had no choice. i'm sure the whole thing has cost me any chance of promotion (i work in a 90pc male environment and will now be labelled as having 'women's problems...blush ) but that's the least of my worries for now.
it sounds to me as if you do need more time off - i know that feeling of not wanting to face the world and if that's how you feel then it could be difficult and very exhausting trying to hold yourself together at work.

popsy1 Fri 30-Oct-09 14:58:19

Hi Cloudwine. I'm so sorry for your loss, i hope you are looking after yourself.
Based on my experience, i also teach, i went back to work too early. I lost my baby boy at 19wks+, spent some time in hospital and then at home to physically recover. My husband, like yours was and still is amazing, thought it was best to return to work in order to return to some 'normality'. I found it extremely difficult to cope in the first few weeks and as the end of term tiredness and stress takes its toll, i found it even harder. Having to be constantly around young children and every mum in the school seemed to be pg was hard!
I'm not advising you not to go back to work but just to take extra special care of yourself. Work will always be there and there are far more important things to deal with. Getting yourself well and emotionally strong will be far better than running yourself down.If you need to cry, then go ahead!! Remember kids will often say things that others don't! When i returned to work a little girl said " is there a baby in your tummy?" i replied no and tried to change the convo she proceeded to say " well there looks like there has been!!" no harm intended i know, but i was gutted sad. There were other occassions where i had to literally fight back tears.

Always around for a chat if you need a friendly ear.

Take good care

xx

Scatt Fri 30-Oct-09 15:25:33

hi cloudwine

so sorry to hear your news, it such a sad to go through.

My first mc in March I didn't take much time off and I though it better to return as soon as possible. I teach too and it really just delayed me dealing with the mc and I spent my summer hols feeling pretty anxious and upset and in the end I went for counselling.

I've just been through a 2nd mc, I've taken 2 full weeks off, and while I seem to be so much more upset this time, I think its better out than in. I have worried that'll just want to stay at home crying in my jammies for ever, but already I'm beginning to feel better. My DS has been at nursery 2 days this week, the time on my own has been so helpful.

Allow yourself time to be upset if that's what you need, and do not feel guilty about this.

Scatt

cloudwine Fri 30-Oct-09 15:38:27

Thanks again and Im so sorry for your losses

kiss and popsy, you have really been through a rocky ride. I've cried for everyone on this forum who has had more on their plate to deal with than I have, including you, but it does show me how strong we can be when we need to be.

At work, I job-share and I don't feel very close to the lady who supports the class on the days I'm there, so I'm not sure how supportive I would find everyone. I keep thinking that after the initial conversation with the head and the staff, I shall be expected to adopt the stiff upper lip approach and carry on as normal.

popsy- "Getting yourself well and emotionally strong will be far better than running yourself down". I think that may have answered my question

Daynee Fri 30-Oct-09 15:47:48

Hi cloudwine Is your name a hint about your drink of choice? LOL - I love my wine! Anyway, I just wanted to say that it's total shit and nothing else can be said about how you feel after a mc. I am also a teacher and have had 4 mc's in a row (no children). I only took off work for 3-4 days after each one and 3 of them were natural mc's. I took off from work once the bleeding go heavy, then went back when the bleeding had stopped. Like *kissmummy" ws saying, I also had to tell my boss because it just kept happening and I couldn't just keep making up things! My boss was great but I ran out of sick days, even though I didn't take that much time for each one. They added up pretty quickly, and that wasn't counting the days I had to leave early for Dr. appointments! Ugh.

And so emotionally, I was and still am depressed so I don't really know if what I've done was the right choice. If I would have taken more time, would it have made a difference? Probably not. I'd still be depressed, and when you're depressed, work is not going to be fun, and neither are most other things! So, in my opinion, you mind as well go back because no matter how long you stay home and grieve on the couch, it doesn't make it any better in the long run.

Well, I moved to another state and have a new job now and I just keep praying that this doesn't happen again because it's a big school here and I don't want to be exposed again. I'm also thinking about taking antidepressants now because it's just been too much and I want to be able to enjoy things again and be productive at work, ya know?

cloudwine Fri 30-Oct-09 15:48:13

scatt, I'm so sorry for you too

I'm totally with you with worrying I may rot in my jammies for ever! Your post makes a lot of sense to me, I think I just need to be reminded that it is perfectly ok to wallow if that's what helps. I need to try not have expectations of how I should be feeling 3 days/ 1 week after, and that may help the guilty feelings I have for not being supermum to my DS at the mo, (or superteacher for that matter!) Thank you.

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