missed miscarriage discovered at 12 week scan. I need to know more that what they are telling me.

[vtiredmummy]

Last week I went for my 12 week scan (v scared, as I had a mc at 6 weeks back in March) and the sonographer said "I'm afraid it's not good news..." I will never ever forget those words or seeing the picture of my tiny baby on that screen.

It had only died a few days earlier and there were no signs at all. Even on the scan day I was still very nauseous, swollen boobs, clearly showing a bump, extreme tiredness, all the stuff people tell you means you have a 'healthy baby inside you'

I opted for an ERPC as I'm afraid I couldn't bear the though of carrying my dead baby inside of me, or passing it and seeing it which scared me so much.

The first mc was so different - much earlier, never really felt 'pregnant', never got to a scan as I started bleeding heavily and this was the only sign something was wrong.

All the medical professionals made it clear that I wouldn't get further tests as I have to go through 3 in a row to 'qualify' for these. And that it is likely to just be two coincidental chromosome abnormalities ion a row. So I think I might look into being seen privately as neither dh nor I feel that we are strong enough to try to get pregnant and go through this again without being armed with all the facts. And because this mc was so different to the last one.

Has anyone gone through testing after mc's? What types of thing could be wrong? What will they test for? This was my third pregnancy - my first one was totally problem free and I gave birth to a beautiful ds (now nearly 3) with no complications. Can things go wrong , or not go back right after childbirth?

To end on a happier note, when we told ds that tiny weeny baby was no longer in mummy's tummy, he told me that it was high up in the sky and living on a star now. Which made me weep like anything, but helped me an awful lot.

[BonjourIvresse]

i'm so sorry for your loss. I'd recommend reading Lesley Regan's book on Miscarriage, as this covers the issues you are strugglin with at the moment.

Rest up and take it easy. It might not seem like it at the moment but it will get better and your mind and body will heal.

[YouLukaStunning]

Sorry to hear your news vtiredmummy

babyloss site and forum may be helpful for you

My children still talk about our babies in heaven . It helped me a lot over the years - and them too!

[YouLukaStunning]

Lesley Regans book is good, I agree. If you would like me to send you my copy let me know, I'll pop it in the post.

[kissmummy]

hi there
poor you, that's absolutely horrible. if you go private, if you live in London, from my experience the various blood tests they will do will cost around £800. the NHs does pretty much the same tests but as you say you have to go through three MCs to "qualify." you get the results MUCH quicker privately.
they will want to test your partner too to see if they can identify any chromasome problems. there are various other things they test for which you can find in Regan's book or elsewhere on the internet. like you i had a problem free first pregnancy, and then for reasons nobody has been able to identify, three consecutive miscarriages. my tests all came back clear. i have always wondered if something happened to my body during pregnancy or childbirth that kind of damaged it for future pregnancies, but nobody has ever suggested that can happen!

[vtiredmummy]

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I shall certainly read the book that's been recommended. I'm a bit of a bookworm anyway and take a lot of comfort from reading.

How do I deal with seeing pregnant friends? I have a very close friend who is 5 wks ahead of where I would have been, and I can't bring myself to see her. I took my son to a soft play area today, saw a woman with a tiny brand new baby and started crying - I didn't even know the woman!

[BonjourIvresse]

Don't see them for a bit - they will understand. YOU will feel stronger and able to do this later on though t will be painful again when thy give birth.

If you can send your older child away to rellies for the weekend and hole up with DH watching DVDs to distract youself from the immediate searing emotional pain. Its important that you get space to cry as much as you need to, and if you are having to put on a front for your DC you won't be able to do this. Get your DH to hide away all the baby stuff/ maternity clothes that you would have already got out.Eat and drink what you want ( including alcohol unless you are contraindicated because of painkillers. Iron rich foods would be good though becuase of the blood loss.

Remember you DH will be hurting too and make sure he gets a chance to deal with this either by talking to you, going out to the pub with a mate, going fishing ( what ever he does susally when he needs some time out)

If things aren't starting to get better emotional in a month, don't hesitate to seek conselling. You GP can refer you. I found it invalable.

I didn't have a ERPC, so I don't know whether you still get blood loss, but if you do sitting down to have a shower in the bath is helpful while it is very bad, and big granny knickers in a dark colour are useful too to acommodate the night time pads.

[ladylush]

So sorry to hear your sad news I've had 4 m/c (btw ds and dd)and one of them died at 9 weeks but I didn't find out til I was 12 weeks. I had various tests on the NHS after my 3rd m/c: karyotyping (checking for chromosomal defects), clotting problems, examination of the uterus. Nothing found. Went on to have dd (10 weeks old) who was born 10 weeks early (they don't know why)but is doing well. I hope things work out for you in the future

[vtiredmummy]

Congratulations ladylush it is lovely to hear stories of hope from others who have been through this.

Thanks for the advice too BonjourIvresse I do worry about dh. He had to 'carry on as normal' as I was firstly too much of a wreck to do anything, then recovering from op and unable to do much of use. I don't want to steamroll in one direction and find out later it is not what he wants. He assures me that he wants what I want. I worry the combination of this, the last mc and him being made redundant earlier in the year (he has a job now though - hooray!) has put a strain on our marriage that we might not recover from. Has anyone else felt like this?

ERPC was weird - I have hardly bled at all, even tho they warned me to expect quite heavy bleeding because I was quite far gone for this procedure. It has been a week since the op now so I assume heavy bleeding won't re-appear(?) and they just did a thorough job in the op...???

[BonjourIvresse]

I had a spontaneous misscarriage at 10weeks, after having a healthy baby girl 5 years ago. I now have a healthy baby boy who is 5 months.

I guess you just have to let DH know that you are there if he needs you, and that he has the freedom to do what makes him feel better especially if that is going to go and have some cave time.

I don't know about the ERPC. I'm sure if you google it tere will be some useful resources about it.

[LilianGish]

This happened to a good friend of mine - healthy 5-year-old dd with no complications then two miscarriages. In the end she and her dh went private as, like you, she didn't want to wait for a third one. In her case they couldn't find anything wrong, but suggested it could be age related (she is 39). When she got pregnant again they gave her hormone injections during the first three months (not sure of the details) and she is now 18 weeks pregnant. She says she feels much happier having had all the tests and the very close monitoring with this pregnancy - she's been told she's past the danger point now (4, 8 and 12 weeks), but feels that whatever happens she's done everything she can possibly do iyswim. Good luck.

[HeadFairy]

so sorry to hear you're going through this vtiredmummy... I agree with the others, time is a good healer. It will get better and easier to bear. Try to avoid your friends with babies or who are pg for a while, they will understand.

I had two mcs back to back too, mine were earlier (6 weeks) but my gp was very sympathetic and did lots of bloods even though I hadn't qualified by having 3 mcs (thank God!) He did full blood count, cd21 progesterone test, thyroid test, liver and kidney function tests and quite a few others I can't remember (they took 8 tubes of blood from me). Is it worth approaching your gp if he or she is sympathetic enough and asking if you can have some preliminary tests?

I'm now 27 weeks pg, and I passed what would have been my second due date last week, and I barely noticed it. I only remembered in the evening when I noticed the date and remembered it would have been my due date. Time really really does help, of course getting pg again really helped me, but some feel they're not really ready to face it, which I totally understand too. For me, I was absolutely obssessed, I had to get pg as soon as possible straight afterwards.

[YouLukaStunning]

vtiredmummy - I have just dug out my copy of Lesley Regan's book.
I hope to never have any need for it ever again. CAT me with your address and I will put it in the post to you tomorrow.

[vtiredmummy]

Thanks for the info on tests. I've spoken to every medical person I got to see over the last week what with the scan and op, then my GP called me on Monday. All of them said point blank no chance of tests on NHS until I'd had three mc's.

I just got so upset with them using stats to try and convince me - 1 in 4 pg's end in mc. Which is fine, except as I kept telling them 2 in 3 of mine have ended that way so far...

I'm 30 now, so was a nice young(!) 26 when I conceived ds, 27 when I gave birth, so I guess the extra 4 yrs might have had an effect.

So say I went private for tests etc. would the NHS still scan/monitor me more closely if I got pg again because of my history? Or would I have to get any monitoring of a pregnancy done privately?

[ladylush]

There are some walk in early pregnancy units around. Where do you live?

[HeadFairy]

Ah vtired, that's rotten. I don't think there are hard and fast rules, but it must be down to the practice budget - perhaps ours had money left over to spend and I was just lucky!

Don't worry too much about the age, you can end up beating yourself up too much and that's really hard on yourself. I'm 39 and perhaps that's why I found my mcs a bit easier to accept, because I thought that at my age I probably should expect to have a bit of a rough ride. I always put my mcs down to age although actually I think one failed to implant properly (don't know if that's age related)

[oranges]

Whereabouts are you? In a next pregnancy, the NHS may monitor you more closely, but you could also pay for an early private scan yourself. It costs around 100 pounds, and can be hugely reassuring to have one done at around 8 weeks.

[BonjourIvresse]

I was 26 when I had my first daughter, had my miscarriage at 31 and had my son aged 32. In childbearing terms, you are still considered to be young.

Just try to live day to day at the moment, its still so early after your miscarriage and you need to grieve. Prof Regan's book is really helpful to mull over stuff.

I know it is a naturally human reaction to try understand and find out why and it is one of the hardest things to accept about miscarriage that you may never know why for sure.

[ladylush]

I am 37 and just had my second baby. Firstborn was when I was 32. The m/c I had were all completely different and the hospital said they were not age related.

[vtiredmummy]

I live in Kent, so not sure if it is the area I live in that they're not allowed/able to do tests on me. One of the doctors I have seen over the past week did say they will give me a scan at six weeks (I think) since I've had two miscarriages. But I'm now scared stiff of scans as the last two I've had have been bad news!

On another note (probably tmi...) I have suddenly started bleeding bright red blood and much heavier than the past eight days of darker and very scant amount of blood. I called the ward where I had the ERPC this morning and got told it was probably nothing and down to me to talk to my GP if I was worried, not them. I don't want to a)bother my GP unneccesarily or b) sit in my surgery waiting for an appt for 2 hrs on what should be my first day back at work, but am a bit concerned. Does anyone know/have experience of this happening and being normal?

[ladylush]

Ime the bleeding after m/c/erpc fluctuates a lot but if you are worried or passing too much blood then seek advice.

[ladylush]

Don't know how easy it is for you to travel to London but St Georges has an excellent EPU where you can self present. It is open mornings Mon-Sat. Yes it's nerve wracking going for scans but my thinking was that it's better to know than to torture yourself wondering if all is ok