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How am i supposed to feel? I need your help ladies

(16 Posts)
popsy1 Fri 25-Sep-09 16:57:03

I dont know how i'm supposed to feel, react or what i am supposed to do. My best friend had her baby girl this morning and its left me in tears all day. Every time i think about it, i cry. I lost our baby boy at 19wks in February (i am thankful they had a girl)and our friendship has been strained since really. I kept away when they told my dh they were pg as i couldn't cope seeing her reaching all the stages i never. I couldn't do the baby convo's about what shes bought or planning.
I've just starting seeing her over the last few weeks, although i feel things aren't the same sad. I don't know what to do. If i hadn't lost my baby things would have been so very different.We orriginally thought we couldn't have anymore children, so her having children was the next best thing. How times have changed!!! They originally asked us to be godparents, although not sure that still stands.
I'm sure i sound a horrible friend, i wasnt before all this happened.
Any advise ladies, really could do with some support from those who know xx

kissmummy Fri 25-Sep-09 17:24:37

You don't sound like a horrible friend, you really don't, and i'm sure your best friend would understand, if you ever got the chance to explain to her. I've had three early miscarriages, which have been immensely painful experiences, but nothing like the agony you must have been through losing a baby at such a late stage. it can be hard for people who haven't been through it to understand the sadness of very early miscarriages, but i'm sure pretty much anyone can understand how hard it is losing a baby later on. If there is no time to talk to your friend, perhaps you could try writing her a really lovely letter, explaining how you feel, and how happy you are for her, but that her lovely baby reminds you of all you have lost? I'm sure she will understand your need for space. If you still want to be a godparent, tell her - she may be afraid to ask again in case you don't want to do it because of all you've been through. good luck

ladyhelen2 Fri 25-Sep-09 17:34:28

Hi popsy. You are so not a horrible friend. I totally get where you are coming from. The same happened to me last year. I had a mc in Feb, pg again in April when a really close friend announced hers to. We were due 3 weeks apart from each other. I mc'd in July and I couldn't bear to see her. It felt like I was watching my pregnancy. She fortunately did understand ( 4 years ago, it was vice versa ). I could only keep in touch by text and could only really bear to see her when I got pg again. Its been a bit different between us but part of that is that we just don't have the time to see each other very much any more.

Similarly after my mc in Feb, 3 weeks later another close friend gave birth. I went round ( I had to get it over with) but couldn't hold the baby and as soon as I was in the car, just crumbled.

Your friendship I'm sure will recover. Just take your time, perhaps stay in touch by text if you can't bear to see her.

What an awful thing for you to have to go through. I wish you all the best. xx

Mouette Fri 25-Sep-09 19:52:32

Dear Popsy, please don't beat yourself up. My sil gave birth 2 weeks after I lost our first baby boy at 17 weeks. I could not bear to see them (my own DH's brother, sil and niece) and we avoided them and the baby as much as possible. Things only returned to normal when I got pregnant again. Your reaction is 100% normal. Don't force yourself to see them or feel happy for them if you don't feel like it. Your priority must be to give yourself time to grieve. They will understand. Time will pass, things will get easier, but for now, you shouldn't make things harder for yourself. Big hugs. xx

JessiLynn Fri 25-Sep-09 22:19:26

Popsy,

I'm sorry this is so difficult. But as everyone else has said, it's so, so normal. Please don't beat yourself up, and don't feel pressured to see the baby before you're ready. Even if your friend can't understand, you have to take care of yourself, and there will be time to patch up the friendship later on, if need be. I really like kissmummy's idea about writing a letter--do you think that would be helpful for you?

Please be kind to yourself and let us know how you are doing.

(((((Hugs)))))

popsy1 Fri 25-Sep-09 22:22:59

I hoped I would be pg by now, thought it would soften the blow. However I'm not, we are having to have fertility treatment which is adding to the stress.
Just found out the babies name via facebook which has annoyed me, thought our friendship was worth more than that. Sorry, really having a bad day don't know what to do about any of it. So fed up.

Thank you for your replies x

ADifferentMe Fri 25-Sep-09 22:30:15

Popsy1 - went through this myself - lost my first child at 19 weeks (termination due to severe abnormalities, we had no choice except wait for a stillbirth). My best friend gave birth a month later. I struggled with being happy for her (she stayed with me through most of my labour) and despair.

I suspect from your last post you may be giving mixed messages - can't cope with being with her, can't cope with hearing things through Facebook. I really would write and explain how you're feeling - she won't know unless she's been through it.

By the way, my best mate's baby is 17 this year and mine is 16 - we're closer than ever.

popsy1 Fri 25-Sep-09 22:43:56

Hello all.
My husband kept in contact with them throughout the time I didn't see them. We did text initially but she didn't like texting as things can get confused. Then about 6wks ago I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt and that I was happy for her but I hurt just too much. We met a few times after that & It was as I said, wasn't relaxed, well for me anyway.
Re her name, I just thought it wouldn't have hurt them telling us rather than via facebook. Maybe I'm expecting too much.
Sorry to rant, ramble but I don't really have anyone who understands.
Xx

ADifferentMe Fri 25-Sep-09 23:13:38

Popsy, it's still very early days for you. I felt I'd been through a bereavement and was trying to mourn someone I'd never met - very confusing. For a long time I had huge mood swings - one day I'd feel perfectly OK, the next that I just couldn't cope any more.

Don't be too hard on yourself or your friend. Friendships do change over time and the strong ones survive. She's probably feeling very awkward too.

Mouette Sat 26-Sep-09 11:15:19

I couldn't bear to look at my SIL's updates on Facebook after we lost the baby - it was all about her DD and it hurt too much. Honestly there is no harm in limiting contact for a while. It's likely anything she does or doesn't do will hurt at the moment. xx

popsy1 Sat 26-Sep-09 21:34:18

I think you may be right Mouette, it's a no win situation. She can't win as even I don't know what I want. One day I want our friendship where it was, the next I don't want to see them yet I'm jealous when I hear others have seen them. Ridiculous, I know! I just want things to be how the should have been.

Thank you again for your posts, it does help.

Hope you are all having a good weekend
xx

Mouette Sun 27-Sep-09 15:41:08

Take care Popsy. All your feelings are completely normal. I hope you will be able to start healing a little soon. It is so horribly hard to lose a baby so late. xx

popsy1 Tue 29-Sep-09 12:39:37

Thank you Mouette. It helps just knowing i'm not going insane and that others have struggled with similiar situations.
next step- The visit!
Will let you kmow how i get on

xxx

Mouette Tue 29-Sep-09 18:59:52

xxx
Where do you live? Not London by any chance?

popsy1 Tue 29-Sep-09 20:22:25

No, I live in the Midlands x

Mouette Thu 01-Oct-09 17:28:16

Was asking because I know a support group in London. But if you want to talk to someone, the Miscarriage Association can put you in touch with people who have been through a similar thing. I also found this website useful: http://pregnancyloss.info/

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