I was 10 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child until last week, when I started to have light bleeding and mild abdo pain on Monday night. Saw GP first thing Tues am and couldn't be scanned by EPAU until Weds pm. Was out of my mind with worry. Anyway, scan showed no heartbeat and baby too small for my dates. I ended up miscarrying at home on Thursday pm. It was traumatic, excrutiating and has left me feeling completely devastated. I so longed to have this child and for 10 weeks had thought that I was nurturing it, bonding with it,...I had started to imagine life with our new baby, for our DS to have a sibling to play with, etc., etc. and now...nothing. I just can't seem to get myself under control at all and am veering between total rage one minute and then inconsolable floods of tears the next. I know in my mind that it wasn't meant to be, that early miscarriage is very common, that it's nature's way of dealing with a problem, that we can always try again, etc., etc., and all the other bits of "helpful" advice I've been given since Thursday, but it doesn't change the fact that it was our baby, that we wanted this baby, that it was growing inside me and now it's dead.
I'm sorry, I must sound really rubbish whining on like this and I know that what I've been through is nothing like as bad as miscarriages that happen later in pregnancy. However, I just feel all at sea and so alone with this. The hospital were so insensitive and wouldn't even confirm that it was a MMC, only that there was no heartbeat and that the size of the embryo was no indication as I could well have my dates wrong. I told them that I was absolutely 100% sure of my dates, so was this in fact a MMC and all they would say was come back next week for another scan and then we'll know more. So I went home to face a miscarriage alone, with no advice from them whatsoever. In the end, I got some info from MN posts that I least gave me some idea of what to expect and how painful and harrowing it would be.
Sorry for rambling on like this. I just feel as though my heart has been ripped out and my world flipped upside down. I'm sure things do get easier in time and that a lot of these feelings are fuelled by rioting hormones, but right now I just feel at rock bottom.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
missed miscarriage at 10 weeks; is it normal to feel such grief?
15 replies
jazzymama · 20/09/2009 20:43
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